So, as the title says, I've found myself in a bit of predicament. About a month ago I broke up with my girl friend of 8 years (high school sweethearts), the short version is I was trying to move forward in life and wanted her to join me, but she seemed content to only take a class or two in community college with no drivers license, job or car and was pretty much unwilling to have a serious discussion about it. Not long after, my best friend told me that he loved me, after my encouraging him to speak his mind without fear of judgment. As I've only ever really been attracted to women thus far, I sort of evasively said that I didn't think pursing anything would really be a good idea.

I've spoken to him a few times about it and have tried to think about it more myself, knowing I could just completely shut him down and tell him that there was no chance of us ever being a thing, but at least some part of me doesn't want to do that. I really care about him, and for the most part our friendship is a long distance thing, I've been to visit him but he lives out of state so we mostly hang out online everyday, which has sort of allowed for an emotional connection even though I'm not sure about a physical one in the long run. If gender was removed from the equation, mine and his, I don't think I would really have any more reservations that in any kind of new relationship. He does know I'm trans, and in fact was the first person I ever told about how I felt, for however that factors in. So, in sum, I like him on an emotional level, he likes me on an emotional and maybe physical level but we are both apprehensive about doing anything even though on some level we both want to. He suggested maybe trying something slow the next time I see him in person, just seeing if we could cuddle or something without it being weird for either of us. But I'm still worried about what might happen if things go south between us, and I don't want to lose my friend. At the same time, I don't want to let someone who obviously cares for me a great deal pass by because I was so hung up on dating exclusively women.

Oh, and to make things more complicated, before all this, we had started to plan to have me move out to room with him in his state so I could finally have a room mate I trust and can start living out of my parents house. Anyways, I'm confused and not really sure how best to proceed, so I'm trying to think about things from every angle. Any advice, suggestions or similar personal experiences would be more then welcome, and if not, it's still nice to try to get my ideas out, even if they are kind of a tangled mess.

That happened to me with a friend I knew since high school. He moved to New Mexico from Chicago. This was way before I acknowledged the trans thing. He invited me to visit in New Mexico for the summer, I was going to school at a University. I went  and ended up staying 3 years  and are friendship turned quite lovingly physical . I went back to school in New Mexico and we drifted apart. and I came back to Chicago. I still love him though, but I'm sad because I don't know where he is and I'll probably never see him again.

Aww, it seems like things have a way of working out like that. I think with my friend and I we both care about each other but don't want to mess anything up either. Then there's the added fact that I've never been with a guy and don't really find them physically attractive, and he's never been with a non cis gender woman. >_<

well, good friendships are good to hold on to.

I definitely don't want to lose him, that's for sure. I know he feels the same, it's still tricky to keep that from happening, if that's even possible. Hard to control everything in life.

well, if you share a place things will work out one way or the other. I'm thankful for the time I had with my friend, it was just the case of we were starting out in life and ended going in different directions.

That's good, at least. I'm glad you're still around Steph ^_^

no place to go

I had a similar issue with my best friend, we decided to take a chance, and we've been together 20+ years now. Admittedly, that was without the trans aspect (though her orientation was largely towards women as well - funny how things work out!) or the risk of moving in together right away. It might be best to take things slowly at first.

I'm glad it worked out for you two, we still would have almost 7 months until I would have graduated and be ready to move out anyways, but yeah I'm still not sure if I want to take the gamble or not. Decisions...decisions >_<

While I haven't been in that particular situation, I have in the past experienced similar moments of getting close to a friend and then pursuing a relationship.

What I wonder from your story is:
- Do you think your friendship can be the same even if you don't see what could happen? Him saying he loves you sounds like a pretty strong thing and I imagine that it's hard returning from that. Will things still feel normal if you reject that love? Also, this has clearly come to affect the prospects of you guys rooming together. Which kind of leads to the other question
- Say you try things out but they don't feel right ... do you think you could maintain the friendship after that?

And here's where my experience jumps in. I have dated close friends, friends of years, twice in the past now. In neither case did it work or feel right after some time.
In one case, we got pretty physical and in that sense went pretty deep, but it was clear the rest wasn't working out. Years later, I'm still friends with her, and actually she was the first person I came out to since after going through that with a close friend it kind of became hard for it to feel wrong to share anything with her.
In the second case, it was long distance and when we met up it was clear there was no spark physically. So it just ended and we were able to remain friends, to the point we share stuff about our boyfriends and she asks me for relationship advice.

Relationships don't kill friendships. People do. And I think that if your friendship is indeed based on a solid foundation, if you were to test the waters and fail it wouldn't necessarily kill that friendship. It could make it awkward for some time, but in the end it's the connection between two individuals that survives. Again, assuming the friendship is based on a strong foundation of trust and respect.

I think the greater question is if you want to do it, because for the most part it kind of sounds like you do. Try to ask yourself ... if you found out he didn't actually love you but made a mistake ... would you be disappointed?
Also, make sure to consider whether you're wondering about him because of him or because of fear of not finding someone else. I feel like us trans girls in particular are in danger of settling because of fear that it'll be too hard/impossible to find another guy in the future who will accept us. Make sure this isn't affecting your decision process.

The living situation sounds a bit more complicated. If you wind up dating I would for sure recommend looking for a different place/different roommate. If you don't, I honestly don't know if it'd be weird living with him. I don't know what I'd do in that case.

Thanks Fairy, ^_^ I missed your reply when I was looking over the thread but you have some good points. And I think you're right. I've dated friends before and I'm still pretty good friends with most of them afterwards, so it's not an impossible thing. Today is my flight so I'll be seeing him at the end of the day finally >_<. I don't think this affection comes from fear of not finding anyone later, but I guess I still worry that maybe I'm hiding that from myself. At the moment we've resolved to just see how things go now that we will both be single around each other, and see if their is some chemistry between us, with no hard feelings if there isn't. I wouldn't blame him if being with me just wasn't how he thought it would be. It might be a little odd getting back to normal but I think we still could. Anyways, wish me luck! My stomach gets all twisty just before I go to the airport >_< Hopefully it all goes well. Thanks for the advice everyone.

Good luck Elle.  Take it slow and if it doesn't feel right stop where you are.  You've got to be the one to say no, if it's speeding too fast Lady.

-Alana

Thanks. I'm waiting to get off the plane now >_< here's hoping things work out. ^_^ if I can ever get out of this freaking plane...

Well I still have one day left here but it seems like things have gone far better then either of us expected. We seem pretty physically compatible, minus my having the wrong equipment for the moment but he doesn't mind. We still have to see how it goes long term but I'm optimistic

Quote from: Ellesmira the Duck on January 16, 2015, 10:05:26 PM
Well I still have one day left here but it seems like things have gone far better then either of us expected. We seem pretty physically compatible, minus my having the wrong equipment for the moment but he doesn't mind. We still have to see how it goes long term but I'm optimistic

Awesome! Been on the edge of my seat for some time waiting to hear what had happened.

I'm so happy for you!