(As I've mentioned on other threads, I am still at the stage of understanding the extent of my GD and trying to figure out how to get professional help)

So after a few days of being apart - yes, through the Christmas and New Year week too due to our work schedules - I finally met my wife today morning. She didn't notice much when I picked her up, but when we returned home and I was changing, she noticed the female clothes under my jacket, my new women's jeans, as well as my shaved arms and legs (I had only shaved my torso before this). Although she commented on the 'hotness' of it all, she also jokingly asked if everything was fine with me. We had other work planned for the morning, so I didn't immediately lead her to what I wanted to talk about.

However, when we went out for lunch, I started talking about our relationship over all these years, what we liked and disliked about each other, and even experiences from our childhood. I was trying to lead it in ways that might make her connect the dots, but she just said as we finished lunch that this was the best conversation we had had in a long time.

After returning home, I finally sat her down and told her that I was increasingly seeing cross-dressing as a way of comforting myself emotionally and not just as a sexual experience between us. She didn't immediately understand, and responded with "oh my god are you turning gay", so I explained to her that I am absolutely sure of my sexual orientation towards her and my faithfulness to her. However, I was no longer sure about my gender identity, and that this was different from sexual orientation, and it was not just about a 'harmless kink' like cross-dressing, but what I really felt from within. I told her what gender dysphoria meant and what it was doing to me. She knew I hadn't been eating or sleeping properly for some days, but I added that I was having this rush of memories trying to show me who I really was, and it was hitting me hard and repeatedly like a sledgehammer.

She replied, "I know you have a very sensitive and caring side and I have always loved you for that, but you can't just let it overpower you. And it need not always be expressed in overtly feminine ways, or by wearing certain clothes, but you can positively channel it into your behavior, your work, how you treat other people etc."

Our conversation from there went back and forth between the world outside (e.g. male/female behavior in general and in our culture and how we were both rebels of some sort) and the intensely personal (e.g. our plans to have a family, where she has to be the mother and I the father, and I assured her that will happen). It also went back and forth between us holding each other and reassuring each other that everything was fine, and her occasionally saying "ok now you are freaking me out" especially when I said that I had been reading about transition etc. I just told her in a matter-of-fact way its different stages and said I wasn't really considering any of it, and that even if I were to, I knew the financial, social, professional consequences for us were too large.

I also told her how I had found this website after searching and ignoring other sites which were either too titillating, too simplistic or too technical, and that here, I had found a lot of good advice after I posted my experiences. She initially wanted to see what I had written, but by the end of our conversation, she said there was no need as I had pretty much told her everything.

I told her I was looking for professional help but she was skeptical (as I am too) about finding it where we live. At the end of it, I think she is simply hoping this is a phase for me that will go away. I am hoping so too, but I'll only know for sure as time goes on...

Glad you got it out.

Just keep positive and communication open.

Yes outside professional help is a great starting point.

Many have said its a phase, let us know if it is?

Hugs

Thanks Izzy and Patrice.

Today, I was simply happy that my wife could hear out something so unusual and not just snap at me, but instead respond with love.

But words can only do so much, there is still this feeling in my head that I can't get out in words, and it just seems to weigh so heavily on me all the time. It doesn't seem like it will go away, but I am just hoping against hope I think...

Professional help is the next thing on my list.

@ Patrice: Can I discuss my area of residence with someone off the forums (so it can't be found in a Google search)? Wife is not exactly OK with it, but that's mainly because we don't know any good therapists here. Once I find someone I can convince myself about approaching, I'll talk to my wife as well.

Hi Cindy.

A good resource is Psychology Today. You can look up gender therapists via area and insurance types. Also, you can contact them from links from the site.

Including your wife from the start is something I wish I had done.

Hi Cindy,

I am currently experiencing something similar. My dysphoria (lifelong) got way out of control a while back and then recently much worse until I sought therapy for my sanity and relationship about six weeks ago. My experience in therapy and from this board, is dysphoria will not go away no matter how hard we try.

My therapist has helped me get a better understanding of dysphoria and what exactly it means for me personally. She provided me some great coping mechanisms to get me through some difficult moments. She also taught me about self acceptance, and avoiding disregulating activities and the key to maintaining balance, by healthy eating, exercise, getting out with friends, and much more. This sounds basic, but truly is not to be underestimated in dealing with dysphoria. Get sleep, and a strong daily routine.

Your wife seems very supportive, and as suggested, you should bring her along with everything, but be mindful that she may not like or accept everything you are about to tell her. Somethings we experience are not to be shared in full, even with our wives who support us. At least not until they are ready for it. It also helps for us to first understand some things fully before telling our wives. Go slow with her and she will understand better than dropping total bombs on her.

Therapy is essential. The sooner the better. I am in Ontario, Canada. Not sure where you're from. Feel free to PM me any time if you have any questions. Like I said, I am new here as well, and certainly not an expert but will offer anything I can. One thing about this board is you will find you truly are never alone anymore.

Amelia

Thank you all for the tips, but Psychology Today only lists therapists in the US and Canada and I am on the other side of the world.

@ Amelia: sent you a PM.

Quote from: cindy16 on January 04, 2015, 01:33:17 AM
Thank you all for the tips, but Psychology Today only lists therapists in the US and Canada and I am on the other side of the world.

@ Amelia: sent you a PM.

Laura's Playground has an international list of therapist http://www.lauras-playground.com/intgender_therapsits.htm

BTW - If I were your wife, I'd be a little freaked out too with some of the conflicting statements you made. Perhaps it is simply TMI. Having open and honest discussions and avoiding TMI takes practice. Especially at this point when you have a thousand unanswered questions of your own.

Thanks Joanne, but I only found one in my country and the profile doesn't seem like I want to trust them. It's the same as many other doctors I found, i.e. mentioning gender below many other issues. If you want, I'll send you a PM mentioning my country and the specific profile I am talking about, and you can read it and tell me what impression it gives you.

Btw, what is TMI? Also, please let me know exactly which parts of my original post have conflicting statements.
I really mean it - I am still hoping someone finds a contradiction in what I am saying and shakes me out of this situation.

Its really good you can talk about this to your partner. But beware they may not understand because. You coming out may be to much for them .

I know im now divorced

TMI = Too Much Information
Which was my second impression when you wrote "Our conversation from there went back and forth between the world outside (e.g. male/female behavior in general and in our culture and how we were both rebels of some sort) and the intensely personal (e.g. our plans to have a family, where she has to be the mother and I the father, and I assured her that will happen). It also went back and forth between us holding each other and reassuring each other that everything was fine, and her occasionally saying "ok now you are freaking me out" especially when I said that I had been reading about transition etc. I just told her in a matter-of-fact way its different stages and said I wasn't really considering any of it, and that even if I were to, I knew the financial, social, professional consequences for us were too large."

First it is No nothing is going to be really different, to Well I was checking out how to transition, which to her is becoming a woman. I don't know how often in the past you may have gone out in women's clothes, albeit under your winter coat, but that also may have been a major escalation, only to followed soon with dropping the T-Bomb and investigating transitioning.

Or, as I said a case of TMI with you just talking about all the overwhelming thoughts that are bouncing inside your head right now. Open and honest communication is what has kept my wife and I together. There were also plenty of TMI times (on both sides) as well as raw, unfiltered emotional outbursts. Hopefully both parties can understand the real message.

Many therapist seem to list LGBT issues, Sexuality, or Gender but when you dig deeper into their practice no further mention at all. So you do have to question how true it is. Like is it there simply because they recall in PSY-510 being in class the day it came up? A trans support group, local, regional, or even nationwide may be of some help for recommendations. You may also look into Yahoo Groups, Google Groups and even FaceBook for leads. You can also try contacting the therapists office to arrange for a quick 5 minute or so call to feel the therapist out.

Thanks a lot Joanne.

TMI = (oh ya, why didn't I think of that) 

I see the contradictions you pointed out, and absolutely, it can freak out a partner who is hearing all this for the first time, but that was not really the case with us. My wife or I didn't even notice such contradictions in the flow of our conversation, we were too busy rationalizing the whole thing, and her eventual advice to me was that I have to reason my way out of this. Her fears are more about safety and social acceptance etc, the same as mine, rather than what it does to the gender roles between the two of us. The having a family bit, well biologically it has to be that way, and we both love children, so that's where we left that.

What freaked her out was this (and now I realize how it was all TMI, as I forgot about this specific detail too from our hours long conversation) - when she was hearing out the different stages of transition and what works, what doesn't work etc, and I mentioned the voice thing, she suddenly remembered a time from a few days ago when I spoke to her on the phone in a fake female voice. At that time, she found it really amusing, but now, putting all of this together, she perhaps thought I'm already giving in and trying to change myself without even fully understanding what it is. I just said that was a joke, and honestly it was, as I do mimic others' voices sometimes (not just female but across the spectrum) and that was more Mickey Mouse-ish than female.

Anyway, I do get the need to balance open and honest communication with taking it slow and first understanding it fully.

And whatever my opinion of therapists may be, I think I surely can feel it out for a few minutes and decide whether I want to open up to anyone else or not. Maybe I'll do that.

@ Rachel: Thanks, but as of now, things seem fine between us. However, she is also hoping that I will eventually get over this...