I recently registered to this site because I am in need of some help.
Also, this will be pretty long, I'm sorry.

I am a 16 year old biological female and about a year ago, I realized (or rather accepted) that I might be transgender/transsexual (i'm not so clear on the difference, sorry), but this really started bothering me and making me crazy maybe three years ago. I kept having fantasies of me being a man and I really felt like a boy sometimes. And at the time, I had known what a sex change was and all that, but it had really freaked me out and I hated the idea of even thinking about having a sex change or transitioning or anything. I didn't know if it was normal to be feeling like a boy or wishing I was born a boy, so I asked my mom if she had ever felt like she wanted to be a man and she said no. That's when I really started to panic. I tried to ignore it, but it would come back into my head.

About a year ago, I found out what transgender/transsexual was and thought maybe that's what's been going on. I talked to my friend about it because she is genderfluid and knew a lot of transgender people so I knew that her of all the people in my life would accept me. She is currently the only person who knows all this about me. She calls me by male pronouns and gives me advice on how to pass and all that.

The more I talked to her about how I felt, the more I started to realize that I've kind of felt this way before, but never really knew it. When I was little, maybe 7 or 8, i would play with my cousins all the time. And every time we would play characters, I would always want to be a boy character, every single time. My cousin asked me why I always chose to play a boy, and I didn't really have an answer for him. I just felt embarrassed. I don't know if this is a sign of being trans or not..

I've been having severe dysphoria about my height (i'm only 5 ft tall), my chest, my voice, my jawline, and my lack of facial hair. I'll once in a while have bottom dysphoria, but it's never as bad as the others. I have thought a lot about going to gender therapy and possibly going on testosterone. I dress masculine a lot of the time, but not as much as a could because my mom told me she didn't like people thinking I was a boy when I'm with her (i'm not out to her yet).

The thought of my curves getting smaller and the possibility of facial hair and a lower voice gets me so damn happy, but I've recently been having second thoughts. I'm thinking that maybe all this time I've been lying to myself about being trans.. What if I don't really want all of this, what if I'm just delusional? Sometimes, my only dysphoria is my height, but does that even count?? When I'm called by female pronouns, I feel uncomfortable, but I'm not even sure I'm okay with male pronouns all of the time either. I feel like I might just be genderqueer or bigender because  I do feel a little bit like a girl sometimes (with the feeling of being male still there), but I still might want to transition.

I'm just so confused right now. I'm not sure if I'm really trans or genderqueer or if I'm just lying to myself about being trans. I'm also not out to my family yet, so I'm also not sure if I'm just subconsciously repressing this feeling of being trans in fear of coming out, if that makes any sense or if thats even possible? I know I have a lot of time to figure this out for myself, but this is driving me crazy. I'd just like someone's opinion or reassurance. I'm really scared, anxious and confused about all this. Thank you.

Welcome Skylar,

I know exactly how you feel right now. You want so desperately to change and be different but you find to yourself struggling see what the path is. I along with everyone on here will be happy to try point you in the right direction and hopefully make you decide what is right for you. now if only we could just switch our brains into another body we'd fine right lol.

You sir, I welcome you.

Love,
Marty (Sammi )

Skylar,

Welcome to Susan's family.
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Stay safe and healthy passage on your path, popcorn?

Izzy
Forum News: new for our members under 18 a new safe place just for you. Youth talk.

I ask myself the same question everyday.

You could be genderfluid or genderqueer and still not be happy with your current body. Transitioning is about finding happiness or inner peace, if you will, it doesn't necessarily have to involve 'transitioning' in the traditional sense, maybe you can find happiness when you start expressing your self, maybe not, and you'll need to make changes to your body, but a gender therapist is a good start.

Hi Skylar, welcome to the forum.

The only person who can decide if you are trans is yourself. If you could press a button and instantly become a man would you press it without hesitation? That might give an indication of how you feel about the idea of transition.

I think many of us have such reservations about the idea of transitions because it is not a simple and straightforward process as pressing a button - we have to morph our bodies through hormones and surgery and use other props such as clothing, etc. Even then the result is often far from "perfect" - from height to size to voice to hips to reproduction and any number of things it still doesn't get us 100% the bodies we wish we had been born with. And then there are the social and family aspects - facing ridicule, contempt and rejection is often a big part of the process. I don't say these things to be negative, just to point out the reality most of us face in one way or another when we transition. It's normal then to question if the process is even remotely worth it. Do the cons outweigh possible pros or the other way around. That is why it is no simple decision, much must be considered. And that is why it is much better to discuss these things with a therapist or a counsellor. Get a sense of your gender identity and what would be involved in transition were you to go down that path.

Hopefully this forum can help guide you in that decision too.

Hi   

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

There is no rush to figure out how you identify even though it feels like it does.  I used to be in a very similar situation and eventually after lots of worrying I just decided the label didn't matyer very much, whays inside of me did.  You also don't need to have dyphoria to feel more comlfrtable as the other gender either.  The best advice I can give you is be patient, stay positive, and trust yourself.