Salutations!

You can call me Ara, a pseudonym I quite like.  I have a feeling that I might just be transgender, specifically MtF transexual. 

This has been a complicated realisation for me.  I started off identifying as a gay man, then as non-binary.  That lasted a long time, but I've been getting more and more frustrated about the lack of physical direction. 
In a way I kind of wish I had more physical dysphoria, then I'd be certain.  I do have it, but it's a rare occasion.  It's that thing, the more I think about it the worse it is.  I do get emotionally distressed when people try to gender me as a man, masculinity just isn't for me.  I don't view myself as particularly feminine either, I prefer to think of myself as androgynous mentally.  But as body goes, I don't know!  I would prefer to be female, but I don't know if that's even a possibility as it stands.

I guess I'll find out, I want to try HRT for a while before doing a proper transition.  I live at home, which means I'll need to hide it a bit.  I also have a job that's quite physically demanding, which means I'll be trying to keep some of my muscle strength for as long as possible.

So this is me saying hello!  I might be around for quite a while.  Eventually I'll show you more of myself, but not until I can reveal myself to the world at large.

<3

Hello Ara

Welcome!  Plenty of us went via the gay route...at least my reasonning was that, if it worked, it would be a lot easier and cheaper.  But with my last boyfriend It became crystal clear that I wasn't gay, would never think in a similar way to a gay man, and knew that I was a woman and wanted to be one.

Take your time - there is plenty of it to decide on how you want to undertake your journey.

Good luck
Julia

Thank you Julia!

I must say, I was blown away by how pretty you are!
In some ways I would prefer to be a gay man, other times I would prefer not to be.  Sexually I can't really think of myself as a woman, but as an older person I can't view myself as a man.  Although, I think I'd prefer to have a future than just a sex life, and I assume my sexuality would grow to accommodate my physical changes as they happen.

Still can't picture myself as heterosexual, even as a heterosexual woman.  Jeez....

Hi Ara 

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Hugs

V M

Welcome Ara to Susan's family

Lots of topics to explore and posts to write

Safe passage on your path

Hi Ara,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Just before you get tangled up in things, you might think about seeking the advice of a gender therapist. They can probably steer you in the direction of where you see your destination.

As you mentioned you gave a demanding physical job. HT will compromise your ability to perform. Physical dysphoria is not a prerequisite for ->-bleeped-<-. Don't guess, you'll find out somehow. Make a definite plan to sort things out. And HT isn't a try before you buy commodity. It's serious mind and body altering hormones.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Hello Catherine,

I think there's only one gender specialist where I live, and I've heard it can take months or longer to get an appointment.  For now I'm just going ahead with a psychologist, and probably going to get HRT from my GP.  I know it's a very serious step, but I expect that after three months or so I'll have a greater sense of whether I have made the right decision after all.  The changes at that point would be enough that I'd know if I'm happy with it, but not enough to force me to transition socially if I'm not ready and none of them would be permanent (though perhaps there would be fertility problems, but I don't want children and even if I did I don't think biological children are on the cards.) 

It's not something I'll try on a whim, that's for sure.  I'll be quite sure of myself by the time I start HRT that I'm making the right decision, however it's really good for me to acknowledge that it is far from being a permanent step. 

To begin I'm merely psychologically preparing myself.  I tend to daydream a lot and at the moment I'm making an effort to incorporate this different gender identity into my daydreams.  Not that I'm particularly a "man" when I daydream normally, I'm just who I physically am.  I want to start having a mental image of who I will be in the future.  I have some ideas based on actresses I really like and women I know in real life but it's going to be different to see what woman I will become. 

I've been quite fortunate to know many awesome trans ladies already because of my involvement in queer politics.  They're amazing, and their diversity encourages me because I know there isn't just one kind of trans woman. 

Regards,

Ara

Quote from: Ara on January 05, 2015, 09:21:45 AM
Thank you Julia!

I must say, I was blown away by how pretty you are!

Awww thanks!  Flattery will get you everywhere, darling! 

Quote from: Ara on January 05, 2015, 09:21:45 AM

In some ways I would prefer to be a gay man, other times I would prefer not to be. 

I can understand this to some extent, although I think you must sort this part out clearly as soon as possible.   I'd ask you to think carefully about the pros and cons of what you're considering.  Make a list with two columns - gay man & trans women - and within each a list of pros and cons equivalently.  Try to separate fact (albeit hypotehetical) and feelings, but put them all in.

Quote from: Ara on January 05, 2015, 09:21:45 AM
Sexually I can't really think of myself as a woman, but as an older person I can't view myself as a man.  Although, I think I'd prefer to have a future than just a sex life, and I assume my sexuality would grow to accommodate my physical changes as they happen.

These are interesting comments.  I too got to the point where I was horrified about becoming an older man.  But I was pretty clear over 20 years ago that my gender was female.   So, again, if you are not able to think of yourself sexually as a woman,  what would be the advantages of transitioning?   My gay friends view with horror the idea of losing their penises - after all they seem to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to use them wherever they can!

Quote from: Ara on January 05, 2015, 09:21:45 AM
Still can't picture myself as heterosexual, even as a heterosexual woman.  Jeez....

Um, Ara, you've voiced a huge number of concerns here.  If I was a mental health professional I'd be obliged to do a deep exploration.  May I be honest?   I really don't think that you are in the right part of your exploration to even contemplate HRT.  If used correctly HRT is a helping hand, not a solution,  and you need to be pretty clear why you believe that HRT will take you to a better place.  What is this better place, and why is it a better place than being a gay man?  Transition is a hard process for most of us, with major social change, possible rejection from family, friends and employers, huge cost, and a lot of physical pain.  Have you seriously considered the 150-250 hours of nasty nasty electrolysis to remove your facial hair; the cost of facial surgery to fix underlying bone structure; the lifelong commitment to dilation if you have SRS?  Beyond the cost of therapy, the interventions I listed earlier easily could cost US$50,000. 

Being a gay man is quite easy in the western world; I've been there.  Being a woman is harder.  Being a transgender woman is a lot harder still.

Best
Jullia

Hello Julia :-)

I know I still have a lot to work out.  At the moment I'm just focussing on getting back to my psychologist.  (I was seeing one, then I had some financial problems.) 

I just want to clarify that last point a bit.  I said I can't picture myself as a heterosexual woman, not because I can't picture myself being a woman but just because having a queer sexuality has been a major part of my identity since I left high school.  It got me involved in university activism and social clubs, and even got me going to national conferences to run workshops.  The realisation that being transgender would likely also make me heterosexual is just so surprising because I have spent so much time trying to remove the heterosexist social programming we're all taught as kids in order for me to see myself as equal. 

On the other hand, even around gay men I don't feel "myself".  I know I'm not one of them.  I can't see a future for myself as a man at all.  I'm fairly confident that my issues with sex and sexuality are only there because they developed within the body I currently have, and that they will change over time.  If not, no big loss.  It's always been uncomfortable for me (possibly due to physical dysphoria, or because my partners view me as a man) and I truly feel that if I was to lose my sexuality and sex life entirely when I become a woman then I'd be perfectly okay with that. 

What I do know is that when my friends view me as a guy then it really hurts me.  I know that's how I appear, but it's not how I want people to view me.  If anything I want them to just see me as myself, without the context of gender changing their views.  But if they were to view me as a woman then they'd be a lot closer to the truth. 

I know I have a lot to think about and work through, though :-) 

Hiya

OK, that's all a lot clearer.  Yes, again, I totally understand how it is to assume a sexuality and orientation either knowing or later realising that it's not the right fit.  Gay was not a bad place, but I knew it wasn't for me.  It did, however, allow me to validate that I am perfectly comfortable with male partners as well as female ones.

You are in an interesting and privileged position if you are working towards becoming a trans woman, and having been part of the G in LGBT for a good time.  There is a lot of talk on this site regarding the grouping of T as part of LGB, since we are very different on many fundamental levels.   Indeed, one of our number ran a long thread this weekend on whether her contribution within some LGBT collective was actually harming the LGB initiative.

On reflection, while trans people can totally also belong to LGB (gay trans men, lesbian trans women and other flavours), I think that the grouping of T within LGB is less than ideal.  But, given that LGB has strong visibility and power these days, I would prefer us to hitch a ride with them than try to create our own lobby since, in my opinion, so few trans people are powerful, visible or capable of being advocates and influencers.  Susan's is kind of unusual because you will find a small group of smart, articulate and relatively visible people here, but very few are advocates, and many of us would probably just like to disappear into our target gender.

I've limited my outreach to educating people in a couple of HR departments in the companies where I've worked.  But, if you are still active in LGBT politics, I think you could be a positive influence, since we do have substantial detractors within LGB, and there is a huge amount of educating that we need to do both internally and in society at large.

Regards
Julia

Hello,

I think the incorporation of transgender people and politics into the LGB world was a smart move, if anything it managed to bring straight transgender people together with gay and bisexual transgender people.  It's no longer just drag queens and heterosexual male cross dressers (as it very much was in the past.)  We're now a larger community and we've come further.  Another good point to note is that there is definitely a causal link between gender diversity and sexual diversity, and between homophobia and transphobia (and sexism!)  So it's good to stick together.

I think I'll try to stay within LGBT activism as much as possible as I transition.  A lot of trans women eventually leave LGBT activism because they want to just be seen as everyday women, not be defined as their gender history.  I might get to that stage, I guess I hope I do because that means that I'm content just to be who I am without needing to be politically active...

Oh well.  I just need to go to therapy more, then I can maybe start HRT and within a year I'll be probably full time!  That's scary but so exciting...

Regards, Ara.

Hi Ara and welcome to Susan's.