Alright so my question is how do deal with your trans thoughts? I've always had them for like ever but they usually come and go and I can go about my life, but lately its been constant day to day basis and is really starting to affect my life. I don't know if transition or therapy is really right for me right now but I cant really seem to stop thinking about both options, ill be in the gym (ex power lifter/currently pursuing bodybuilding) and find myself holding back or worrying how all the muscle mass might affect me down the road if I choose to transition. It just kinda feels like I am fighting myself at this point and getting nowhere.

My story pribably will be little comfort but at least you know you are not alone.

After my srs i realized 1 thing :

I wasted 40 years of my life obsessing to various degree about my transition. I NEVER allowed myself to actually live and think of other things.

Now this is my story and doies not speak of others, but know it is a normal thing.

Delays and purges are incredibly common, I know exactly how that feels.

I did it over and over again up until it simply became too much. And much the same as you, I finally found my gender variant thoughts to literally be affecting my life- at 28. I decided to see a gender therapist and began transition in the following weeks... feeling that if I was going to do something about it, I was all-in. The gender therapist helped me work through a lot of that and it smoothed the whole process out, getting me to think about certain aspects that I had overlooked and making sure that this was indeed something I wanted to do. And, she helped provide me some support/reassurance when I needed it most.

Posting here and getting feedback is great, but I highly suggest at least a couple visits to a good gender therapist. They can be good for lots of stuff- not just hormones

How do I deal with it? Easy I come here to talk to my family.

This whole thing is racing though my mind nowadays like it were the autobahn. I just keep coming up with questions in my head that I can't answer. Now for the most part I tell myself, yes these are important questions, and I let myself know I wanna embrace the Inner Woman. This calms me down a for a while as I figure out a plan on either how to work towards it or another solution.

There a lot of questions on here that help with everything. Don't be afraid to ask them, no matter how stupid or repetitive they might sound. Everyone on here knows a little something about something.

Good luck

It helped me to have a plan - to know when and how I was going to go full time, even if it was many months off.

My meltdown happened at age 43.  I had a life-or-death heath scare that made me re-examine my priorites, went from 285 pounds to 195, then put on 25 pounds of muscle.   Apparently this was a recipe for disaster.   It seems the weight loss and muscle gain made my testosterone levels go haywire while my endogenous estrogen went way down.   I became MISERABLE, and I could no longer ignore my gender issues.

My guess is that your muscle mass is keeping your testosterone levels up, which is fueling dysphoric thoughts.   As soon as I went on estrogen, I felt a lot better.  The more I took, the better i felt.  When I got the orchiectomy, I had never felt better.   If my dysphoria was a "10" (or "11", as we metalheads like to say) before, it's a "2" now.

My advice- get a qualified gender therapist NOW.   If bobybuilding makes the dysphoria worse, you should probably stop.  Life's too short to spend it miserable.

Hugs,
Jill

Thanks for all the responses

Quote from: Jennygirl on January 06, 2015, 09:18:09 PM
Delays and purges are incredibly common, I know exactly how that feels.

I did it over and over again up until it simply became too much. And much the same as you, I finally found my gender variant thoughts to literally be affecting my life- at 28. I decided to see a gender therapist and began transition in the following weeks... feeling that if I was going to do something about it, I was all-in. The gender therapist helped me work through a lot of that and it smoothed the whole process out, getting me to think about certain aspects that I had overlooked and making sure that this was indeed something I wanted to do. And, she helped provide me some support/reassurance when I needed it most.

Posting here and getting feedback is great, but I highly suggest at least a couple visits to a good gender therapist. They can be good for lots of stuff- not just hormones

Yea I think I've gone through like 3 purges that I can remember... for some reason it seems to bother me more during the winter months don't know if that's common, I've wanted to go see a therapist for a while but don't really know how to go about it 

Quote from: Jill F on January 07, 2015, 10:46:06 AM
My meltdown happened at age 43.  I had a life-or-death heath scare that made me re-examine my priorites, went from 285 pounds to 195, then put on 25 pounds of muscle.   Apparently this was a recipe for disaster.   It seems the weight loss and muscle gain made my testosterone levels go haywire while my endogenous estrogen went way down.   I became MISERABLE, and I could no longer ignore my gender issues.

My guess is that your muscle mass is keeping your testosterone levels up, which is fueling dysphoric thoughts.   As soon as I went on estrogen, I felt a lot better.  The more I took, the better i felt.  When I got the orchiectomy, I had never felt better.   If my dysphoria was a "10" (or "11", as we metalheads like to say) before, it's a "2" now.

My advice- get a qualified gender therapist NOW.   If bobybuilding makes the dysphoria worse, you should probably stop.  Life's too short to spend it miserable.

Hugs,
Jill

Hey Jill
first off congrats on the epic weight loss that's awesome.. I am still coming to terms with the whole trans thing not going away it just seems to be getting a lot more difficult with time

That's weird, my gender variant behaviors would always seem to come to a head around winter/cold weather. I have no idea why. It felt like some kind of seasonal hormonal thing.

I knew to expect it to rear its head by the time I was in my early 20s. When I was 28, it came full force like a freight train (and timed perfectly with a few other major life events). My decision was clear and easy to make- I went from thinking of myself as cis male to mtf to mtf transitioning in about 6 blindingly fast weeks. Just a month before that, I had half condemned a friend's story of his coworker that was transitioning (I still can't to this day believe that I said what I said to my friend about it). I guess it was a wake up call to me, because I realized that I had wanted that for myself all along and. It was a cowardly/jealous reaction that made me question myself enough to get the ball rolling.

I just talk to other transgender people who've been in my situation before and know what it's like. Other than that, I read threads and post here occasionally when I feel like I can relate to a post or a thread.