I hate to admit it, but I have been kind of trying to just hide my feelings and go on with life hoping that this would never come up in my life again, which obviously was impossible.... which I guess to some degree I knew... Anyways, since my last post, I have just been focusing on other stuff unrelated to anything involving sexuality and gender, but for whatever reason, while my parents were out of state on Sunday, and I was sort of watching MLP with my youngest brother(I was pretending to look at my phone, have to admit the show is really good), I suddenly started feeling upset.
I ended up spending about 3 hours searching the internet, once again for answers. Now, after this being I think the 4th time in the last year that I failed to escape these feelings, that I am in fact transgender and just trying to avoid disappointing my family.
Now after seriously looking back at my childhood, I can see some things that probably hinted at my gender identity, like I remember wearing big shirts to pretend I was a girl, or when I was a little older than that I would pretend to turn into a girl, then other things like loving to play with my friend's dolls.. Probably nothing too obvious since I was so shy back then. Then I remember around age 12, I started feeling what I guess was gender dysphoria, where I hated everything that was happening to my body.
By age 13 or 14 I had started crossdressing late at night when my family couldn't catch me... besides one time when my mom did find me with I think panties in my room, but she just dropped it pretty fast. Around that age I also started to become somewhat antisocial, spending at least 8 hours a day playing video games, where around age 14 I made my first female character on an online game.. Which was also one of the first times I guess I felt accepted, even though I made sure everybody knew I was born a male.. Which I guess people stopped believing after a while because multiple people started telling me I don't act/type like a male, I guess.
Around age 15 I started to self harm for the first time, still crossdressing whenever I could, but started to lose interest in video games and moved into the world of YouTube. What really helped then was my family took in Chinese exchange students for a few weeks, and I socialized for the first time in a while, but the dysphoria stuff started to seriously get to me then, and I considered committing suicide on Christmas Eve of that year... Which didn't happen because I realized the effects it would have on my youngest brother, who looks up to me, and would have likely ended up being taken back into CPS custody(he is actually my nephew, my parents are adopting him).
I think around early 2013, when I was 16, I ended up deciding I must have been gay, because I started going to a youth group and found myself hanging out with the girls more than the guys. Which eventually led me to finding the word "transgender", and shortly after that I came out to 2 of my guy friends who pretty much just said that they knew something was up and that they were okay with it. I started growing out my hair around the end of 2013.
Now, pretty sure it is obvious what has happened in 2014, just going back and forth on whether or not I am actually transgender. But honestly, now looking back at my whole life, and not lying to myself about showing signs of it from a young age, I am sure I am. Most likely, if I do decide to come out to my family, I will wait until after I graduate in a few months, and have a job... in case things go badly(which I doubt they will).
I guess for when I do eventually need to come out, I have a lot of things to use as an entry point, and when it comes to explaining to my parents especially, I have been doing tons of research into the Christian's view of trans people(like the Catholic church not having an official view, and if I ever wanted to get SRS I would pretty much just need my doctors to sign a paper for a priest). I doubt I would come out right away like I planned, because there is so much stuff going on in my family right now, like my brother and his wife having a baby, issues with my sister, me graduating high school, etc.
But I did learn a lesson today, I should be more careful on who I tell when the time comes, because it could literally be spread across my town within a day, and some people here are homophobic/transphobic.
I did think a bit about coming out though, and I think for when the time comes, I will tell my family it is okay for them to refer to me as however they want, since I really don't care how they refer to me, and to make the adjustments easier.
Now to get to bed, because it took me an hour to type all of this out.. but it is the first time in a while I have been honest to myself, especially about the signs in my past.. which now makes me seriously think my parents know that I am either trans or gay.
