Just over a year ago, I started to get depression. I had no reason for it, and that always annoyed me. I'd think, "oh its because I feel fat" but I wasn't even that bothered by that.

Then I started thinking "people only care about men, there always the main character in movies, people only care what you think if you're a man" and I really wanted to be male. I wanted to be in a rock band, but all the big rock bands are made up of men
I'd watch movies with men I admired and cry at the fact that I never could be male.

Then I found out about the whole transgender thing and thought, "maybe I am male". I felt happier, but also sad about the stigma of being trans.

So I started presenting as male, being called a male name/male pronouns. That was fine, I felt male, not just that I wanted to be, but actually felt like I was male. I was desperate to get hormones.

Now I have gotten new anti depressants, I think the depression has lifted quite a bit. I am now thinking "hey, it'd be easier to be female" "maybe I could be a girl" "I like the make up and clothes a bit, why not". I still think I am male, I want to be male, but the stigma of being trans really puts me off transitioning. I'd be some short weird male that'd never get a girlfriend. I was an attractive female, I'd have no problems dating as female.

I'm worried however that I'll be female but end up thirty wishing "I wish I had just transitioned back when I was a teenager, I was going to but I put it off" but then I am worried I will transition and also regret that.

I'm just so confused. I have a appointment with the private gender clinic on the 22nd, and I am worried I still won't have made up my mind by then.

Can the depression make me feel like I am trans when I am not, and now it has lifted I don't feel as trans anymore? Or am I just scared of being trans in today's society? I am so confused.

Hi Scotty,

I don't think you need to put yourself under unnecessary pressure by feeling you have to have made your mind up by the 22nd. It will probably be with the assistance of the therapist and talking to others, for example in a support group, that you will be able to gain a bit more clarity about where you stand.

All you can really do in terms of this stuff is be honest with yourself and look at what you feel you need to be your very best and most happy and productive self.

Take care and I wish you well on your journey.

I asked my therapist a similar question a million times (and still do to this day): "Are you sure I'm transgender, and this isn't just a symptom of a psychological issue like depression?"

And each time, the answer is, "Yes, you're transgender.  First, it's extremely unlikely that depression would manifest itself as gender dysphoria because gender dysphoria rarely leads to a lessening of depression in someone who is not transgender.  Depressed people most often seek solutions that lessen their pain - drinking, drugs, spending, outlets like that.  If you weren't transgender and you decided to change your gender, you'd be in so much more pain - it's just not a viable solution to the problem of depression for cis people.  Second, the fact that when you take steps to change your gender you feel very happy and calm strongly suggests that the underlying issue is that you're trans.  If you weren't, you'd feel awful, ashamed, embarrassed etc."

Or words to that effect.

I'd strongly suggest finding a gender therapist and talking these things over with him or her.  One of the common complaints from the trans community is that "we wish we transitioned earlier."  If you're trans, it's probably best to find out sooner rather than later.  Seeing a therapist doesn't obligate you to make any changes to your life at all - you could well figure out that your trans issues are something you don't want to act upon - but you owe it to yourself to explore the issues in a safe and understanding environment one-on-one to figure out how to move ahead whether you're trans or not.

All the best.

I think people certainly CAN be confused about these things. They are confusing, at least until they're not.

Can depression cause trans feelings? I don't think it'd be very common, but depression can cause people to do things out of desperation. That's why the "rules" say you need to have depression under control before you obtain HRT, etc. It's not perfect, because if the dysphoria is the cause of the depression there's a Catch-22, but some caution is in order.

So it's great that you're lifted out of the deeper depression, and even better that you have a gender clinic appointment. You don't have to figure out your final answer before you go in, their first job is to help you with that. If you're not sure, take things slowly. Transitioning is a journey, not a jump off a cliff.

While we can often think quite irrational things when we are depressed it can also be difficult to sort cause and effect from our feelings and thoughts. And yes, it can feel overwhelming and confusing.

I would say I never categorised myself as "trans" before I had heard about "sex changes"... up until then it was a fog of jumbled feelings that never fit anything that made sense. Then it all started to click and makes "sense" - the only problem being that the "solution", changing my birth assigned gender to fit how I identified, raised considerable hurdles and potential headaches. Most people who, upon realising they might be trans, are very unlikely to feel happy about that - even if it explains everything. Not because there is anything inherently wrong with being trans but because cis centered society itself is so hostile to trans gender. That isn't out fault... but society makes it our problem.

Anyway, I'm glad you are seeing a therapist, that is the best way to start unravelling how you feel and to get a better understanding. Don't worry about not having the "answer" before you start, that is for the process of therapy to uncover

One thing I would caution about is that there are trans people who never transition because their GID is not that severe. They find other outlets for their GID and that usually works for people with less severe forms of GID. Some (not all) male cross dressers may fall into that category, for example. They feel a need to present female so they do and they find that relieving but don't feel the necessity to undertake the entire transition journey. And that's fine.

The reason I mention this is that you might be trans but not extremely dysphoric and may be happy living female but doing various other things for yourself. Some FtMs who never transition dress very butch, take on jobs in more male centric industries and become "one of the guys" but are still known to be female.

And finally, maybe you're not trans but were grasping at something to hold onto when you were depressed. Depression can mask a lot of things and produce behavior out of the ordinary.

As others have noted, your best bet is to work closely with a therapist who has training and experience in gender identity issues. A professional can help you figure out what's going on and what course to take. Even if you are trans, not transitioning may be an option. So explore things with a good therapist and let them help you.

Lots of good advice here already! I just want to echo what's already been said: don't pressure yourself by thinking you have to figure it out until the 22nd! It's the task of a good therapist to help you figure out these things.

In terms of mental health conditions, I think I have read somewhere that in some cases a dissociative identity disorder can "mimick" or at least heighten the feeling being trans*, and extra extra care has to be taken in these cases to make sure that transitioning isn't going to exacerbate the condition.

Hey Scotty
I think its normal to feel like this. I was feeling like this like a week ago.
All of the stuff transitioning entailed was freaking me out. It suddenly became real that I would be labeled as a "->-bleeped-<-" by most people forever ( not a women ) I also thought I have waited to late. Now I am going to be this 6 ft tall kinda akward girl and dating other women seemed impossible.
The more I thought about the less I cared what anybody called me or saw me. I would finally be comfortable in my skin.
All my life that's all I've wanted is to be who I was supposed to be and when I looked in the mirror at this masculine guy I would cringe sometimes.
I was put on anti anxiety meds for something unrelated and I take anti depressants. I think with how they work on the brain you can become content in circumstances that would otherwise make you crazy.
I don't think its the depression just kind of a side effect of the meds. If you know you are a guy then you should pursue that. Otherwise you will regret it.
I tried to deny myself all my life. Now I'm 31 and I'm finally accepting it and like you were saying if I would had came out at your age I would be much happier. More feminine, years of hormones and there effects less adrogenic effects and through probably all my procedures. Possibly with a good career and love life.
Since I waited I forfeited all these things for along time. I still feel young and feel like there is great hope. I do wish I had the time back though.
Just clear your head and think about what's the most important thing to you. Then talk to the therapist. I hope you get it figured out. Only you know if you're male or female though. No one can tell you different.

I do think it's possible to have some overlapping between the two. Depression can make people wish they were someone else and OCCASIONALLY this might manifest as wishing to be another gender. However, these cases are few n'far between and usually getting on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication will dissolve these desires. A trans* person would still want to change themselves despite these medications. This isn't cut and dry but that's usually the defining factor.


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When you are in a depression you are often digging into the deepest depths to find yourself, so it is not weird to think you are gay, lesbian, trans, or prefer to be a bird instead.

I think many disagree and will often say that if they couldn't transition, they would have done suicide. Although I can understand the thought, I do believe you have to be out of a depression to decide gender dysphoria or not (or at least out of a first depression). If you are in a depression you are always unhappy, no matter what while I personally think gender dysphoria slips in and when you realize you are not happy with who you present as, it starts to dig in deeper and eventually turn in gender dysphoria/depression mixture.

Rambling now ._. but seeing as how you are happy now whether you present male or female, I don't think you are transgender. But! Just don't lock it away. Explore who you are and enjoy ^^. You can already do a lot without getting hormones.

hey scotty,

Yes I feel the same way. I get really bad depression when things in my life get really stressful or when I'm struggling with weight issues. Than I'm in the mindset that maybe living my life as the other gender will make things better. The answers right now just seem blank as if someone tried to erase the answer multiple times. I've been thinking a lot like this too lately, as for me it's not only the wiliness to physically change me but my life as well. I can say that I've lived a good life so far, but I want to move to the next phase in my life. That for me is where being transgender comes in for me.

Coming on here and talking about my everyday problems is what helps make that depression go away. When people listen, the pain can slowly go away.

I'm here for ya if you ever want to have a heart to heart talk about life.

Love,
Marty (Sammi) 

I worry about that too, I've been depressed for much longer than I've been considering my gender issues. However whenever I picture myself free from depression it only seems possible if I picture myself as a woman. Anytime I think of myself as a middle-aged man I can't imagine being happy with that life at all no matter what my circumstances are. What's more, I've been on anti-depressants for 3 months now and if anything I feel more convinced that I'm genuinely transgender. The thought that I might not actually be transgender now really upsets me.

Quote from: Kirey on January 07, 2015, 05:02:44 PM
When you are in a depression you are often digging into the deepest depths to find yourself, so it is not weird to think you are gay, lesbian, trans, or prefer to be a bird instead.

I think many disagree and will often say that if they couldn't transition, they would have done suicide. Although I can understand the thought, I do believe you have to be out of a depression to decide gender dysphoria or not (or at least out of a first depression). If you are in a depression you are always unhappy, no matter what while I personally think gender dysphoria slips in and when you realize you are not happy with who you present as, it starts to dig in deeper and eventually turn in gender dysphoria/depression mixture.

Rambling now ._. but seeing as how you are happy now whether you present male or female, I don't think you are transgender. But! Just don't lock it away. Explore who you are and enjoy ^^. You can already do a lot without getting hormones.

I agree with this as it's very hard to make the right decision when you're depressed. I've battled depression for a long time, I tend to do things in haste that I later regret when I'm depressed. A therapist will help you understand if you're trans or not.

when depression is at it's peak, it tells me to give up, that I shouldn't try to help myself. It's very important to deal with depression so that it doesn't overwhelm you.

As for me, I think I know the answer if I'm trans or not, but I also know that transitioning won't 'cure' anything, I'm always going to be depressed about how I look, why I'm alive, and the world around me. I sometimes wonder if I would have been any better if I were just born a cis-girl, and the answer is no, because I'd still be obsessed with my looks and depressed for the same reasons I am today.  I'm just rambling about myself now...

I always say imagine your self elderly. Would you want to grow old an elderly man or woman? Idk why but this has helped me in consideration. Also, there's nothing wrong with men liking make up and pretty clothing. I know Val from FTMtranstastic does drag parties and enjoys it. Maybe you're just a feminine man?

i was extremely depressed to the point of trying to kill myself till i saw some nice transition videos and decided screw it, lets do it. since then ive not felt depressed at all. the dysphoria was the main stressor for me i think. letting everyone i know see who i really was, and being that person 24/7 stopped me feeling like i was at war with myself. it was also clear for most people the dysphoria never ends, it just gets worse the deeper you dig into masculine life. that settled it. being a 30something transgirl wasnt brilliant but it way less bad than that. and it turns out, its actually lovely! i thought it would make people hate me, but actually everyone is super nice! other problems worry me, or make me nervous, but its a 3/10 worry, not a 10/10. no biggy. i can handle them and resolve them without panicking. it feels fab.  my 2c