So, I registered on OKCupid  a few days ago and I didn't put down trans. I was just looking  to see what kind of reaction I got with my picture. I really didn't expect this handsome and sweet guy to start trying to get to know me. I guess I got myself in a bit of a pickle. He's rely good looking and sweet. It's not fair to not tell him, He lives in Florida and I'm in Illinois so I truly doubt we'll ever meet. He says he's straight and divorced so I'm guess once he finds out it's over. The question is whether its wrong to build a friendship on a minor lack of detail such as being trans. My picture and name are real, it's just the fact that I'm trans is left out. I truly doubt this will go anywhere other then a friendship, I'd just like to talk to someone as me.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 07, 2015, 10:04:42 AM
So, I registered on OKCupid  a few days ago and I didn't put down trans. I was just looking  to see what kind of reaction I got with my picture. I really didn't expect this handsome and sweet guy to start trying to get to know me. I guess I got myself in a bit of a pickle. He's rely good looking and sweet. It's not fair to not tell him, He lives in Florida and I'm in Illinois so I truly doubt we'll ever meet. He says he's straight and divorced so I'm guess once he finds out it's over. The question is whether its wrong to build a friendship on a minor lack of detail such as being trans. My picture and name are real, it's just the fact that I'm trans is left out. I truly doubt this will go anywhere other then a friendship, I'd just like to talk to someone as me.

Not sure I understand the problem. Can you let him know you're trans in one of your messages? Then leave it up to him. Some people are comfortable with trans woman, some not. Probably best to find out early, right?

Online where I can keep my anonymity sorta I basicly tell people straight off the bat, sure it might be painful at times but to be honest let's say if they WOULD get really mad then you don't care about that dude or girl anyways. But when you know him for some time and got to know each other first then things are more difficult and precious.

the problem is on whether there is is any harm when your just being friends with someone just not to mention that . It's really not a dating situation as just because of the distance and any thing more serious then friendship would that a long process and by that time he would know because if it got any where near the point of going beyond friendship , which is highly unlikely do to distance, I would tell him , but just to be friends is it necessary .

Honestly if you're not going to have a relationship or intimacy with this person, I wouldn't even bother. Don't lie about it, but it's really on a need to know basis. If it's just a friendship, just be yourself.

Quote from: ImagineKate on January 07, 2015, 10:39:56 AM
Honestly if you're not going to have a relationship or intimacy with this person, I wouldn't even bother. Don't lie about it, but it's really on a need to know basis. If it's just a friendship, just be yourself.

well, that's the thing I just want to be myself

I feel that stating it before someone approaches you is important because you're only going to hear from people who don't have an issue with you being transgender. If you put it off, you have a 50/50 chance, they may accept it, they may not.

Hi Steph

I gotta agree with Devlyn on this one.  If you go ahead and put it out there, at least there would being less chance of you or them getting hurt or you running into a transphobic person.

well, thanks for the reply's . I know the perfect way is to just put transgender down. he's really good looking.

If you're worried about having the "trans conversation," then have a conversation with him about your fear instead. Tell him that you have something about yourself which can cause people to reject you, and you'd really like to talk to him about it, but you're also really scared that he's going to reject you. See how he reacts to that, and then see if you feel safe enough to tell him based on his response.

I would tell him. 

If you are friends he will eventually learn quite a lot about you, and if he then turns out to be transphobic then it can end badly.  It can hurt, but sometimes knowing someone is a bigot is better than finding out at a later date. 

On the other hand, sometimes it's acceptable later in a relationship not not earlier in the relationship?  But I don't take that chance.

- Ara

Quote from: stephaniec on January 07, 2015, 10:35:21 AM
the problem is on whether there is is any harm when your just being friends with someone just not to mention that . It's really not a dating situation as just because of the distance and any thing more serious then friendship would that a long process and by that time he would know because if it got any where near the point of going beyond friendship , which is highly unlikely do to distance, I would tell him , but just to be friends is it necessary .

Ah.

I believe that our history is ours to share or not share as we see fit. Like any private event in our past, it's up to us when we trust a potential significant other enough to divulge.

I.e. It's entirely up to you.

It is totally up to you, just remember if you omit this fact and later tell him you risk rejection from someone you will prob by then care about.

Quote from: suzifrommd on January 07, 2015, 11:28:09 AM
Ah.

I believe that our history is ours to share or not share as we see fit. Like any private event in our past, it's up to us when we trust a potential significant other enough to divulge.

I.e. It's entirely up to you.

Not much of a relationship if the other person's wants and needs are considered unimportant until we decide they are.

It's complicated because we just started messaging  each other . I really didn't expect this to happen. The best thing would of put trans down, which I did , but I made a mistake when registering  and had to start over and didn't put it down because It was just an experiment to see what happened. It does feel good not to have  question my appearance not knowing . I know I need to tell, but maybe I could hold off for a tiny bit. He said I was beautiful so I'd like to enjoy the moment while I can.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 07, 2015, 11:37:04 AM
Not much of a relationship if the other person's wants and needs are considered unimportant until we decide they are.

Good point.

But does a pen pal really NEED to know our history?

I mean, a lot of friends don't know that I had a nose job when I was 17. Do they need to know? A lot of my friends don't know that I tried to get my PhD but dropped out before I finished. Do they need to know that too? Isn't my history private? Why does someone need to know everything I've gone through in my life?

I persist in claiming that our past (both trans related, and non-trans related) is ours to talk about when we see fit. We don't owe anyone an accounting of how we became the person we are.

Maybe the wants and needs of one (vis a vis privacy) are secondary to the wants and needs of the other person to know everything about oneself.

Quote from: suzifrommd on January 07, 2015, 12:02:02 PM
Good point.

But does a pen pal really NEED to know our history?

I mean, a lot of friends don't know that I had a nose job when I was 17. Do they need to know? A lot of my friends don't know that I tried to get my PhD but dropped out before I finished. Do they need to know that too? Isn't my history private? Why does someone need to know everything I've gone through in my life?

I persist in claiming that our past (both trans related, and non-trans related) is ours to talk about when we see fit. We don't owe anyone an accounting of how we became the person we are.

That's perfectly fine, I  prefer to have the people I'm involved with know exactly who I am, including my past. Are my parking tickets important in that discussion? No. Being transgender? To me, yes.

I don't know. To me disclosing trans status is really only important if you're going to be intimate with someone. It's like my nationality and citizenship. It is somewhat important to me but when I meet friends IRL I don't go telling them my whole life history. Either they know or they don't, either they care or they don't care. A lot of people I know think I was born in the US, and when they find out I'm foreign born they are surprised. I don't intend to deceive them, it's just not that important to me and I'd rather not have them judge. Some people treat me like less of a person because I wasn't born and grown in the US. Same happens with transgender, people treat you like less of a person because you're trans. When asked I am truthful, but I don't really go lay it all out up front.

(I do mention it here in my signature because there are so few trans girls from my birth country, and I'm interested in meeting trans girls and trans men from the islands.)

seems to me a lot of valid points. In my case it's just the particular situation . Someone on line , living quite a distance apart, more probable than not will never meet in person much less physically, basically just a   possible friendship after at least many months down the road. If the friendship ever got that close the inquiring afraid to be rejected questioning might be the best.