Hi,
It's been a while since I posted so heres the update. Pretty much I have gone full time, still no HRT (insurance problems) and everything was perfect. My kids accept me and love me more than ever (2 sons - 15 and 18), my wife accepting, supportive, and helpful over the last year and a half. Sounds great right?
Anyhow I don't get out much, I am a housewife, take care of the house, kids etc. so not everyone around here was aware of my being trans ...Until my wifes 180

We had a nice day shopping, having fun, laughing etc but out of the blue when we got home she asked me for a divorce (this was DEC 18) Since thenshe has flip flopped back and forth until New Years Day when she consistently says she wants it. She is picking up the papers to bring home and fill out tomorrow, then she and my "sweet" lol mother in law will go file.

During all this she is outing me to everyone she meets, including old friends of mine (which are no longer friends now) and the way she tells it, she is making me a laughing stock. I don't even feel human anymore. She treats me like crap, but expects me to treat her with dignity and respect (like best friends) and expects our sons to act nothing is going on (yeah right)

My sons' are on my side and are wonderful, but I can't take them with me as I will be homeless, jobless, and have no family, friends or anyone to count on.

She has so far given me til end of March to leave, or until the divorce is final.

I truly need a pick me up, I about to lose all that matters in my life, my wife and kids. I'm having bad thoughts but too chicken sh** to act on them. I'm just so confused and feel so hopeless, unwanted, unloved, a waste of space and not even worthy of being human.

Sorry to be a bummer today, I just needed to talk to someone

Melanie, do you have a therapist? This is abuse, pure and simple and you shouldn't have to handle it alone (well alone except for us). Also, if she contemplates divorce that seriously you need legal advice soonest.

My own situation is bad but not as bad as that. I can barely imagine what you're going through. I'm willing to bet you're strong enough to get through it though. You say she's been behind you on this, any idea what prompted the change?

Hi Melanie,
Yep!! Just goes to prove, ->-bleeped-<- happens.

Now that you've accepted that fact, it's time to move forward, take as much control as possible, and fight, if necessary, for YOUR rights.

Just because of who you are, doesn't mean you have no rights. You are equal in this relationship, just remember that. Lots of people are going to try to tear you down. DON'T LET THEM. Their thoughts and feelings are just that THEIRS. Not yours.

Don't sign or file anything until you've reached an acceptable form of mediation. You have just as many rights in this as everyone else.

Just the thought of losing everything should be enough motivation to ditch the chicken ->-bleeped-<-. Have that later if necessary.  

The very first thing I want you to do, is make the last sentence below your mantra, but in the opposite. It will read thus; " I'm having GOOD thoughts AND acting on them. I'm so CONFIDENT and feel HOPEFUL, WANTED, LOVED,  and in a good position, worthy of being the great woman I am."

Why? Simple; because it's true. I wouldn't have written it if it wasn't.

Quote from: MelanieH74 on January 07, 2015, 09:05:04 AM
I truly need a pick me up, I about to lose all that matters in my life, my wife and kids. I'm having bad thoughts but too chicken sh** to act on them. I'm just so confused and feel so hopeless, unwanted, unloved, a waste of space and not even worthy of being human.

Just remember THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't plan it this way.

Now get back on your horse and start moving forward.

Huggs
Catherine

Thanks,

I do have a therapist. My wife always acts like everything will be ok before I see her, but then she tears into me AFTER the appointments when she knows I can't go back for a bit.

Catherine Sarah, thanks for the pick me up. but what rights are you talking about? She has a job, I have been unable to work. She pays for the house, it's located in the middle of her family, when I leave, I don't have anywhere to go, so why put the kids through that. I'm milking time by leaving at the end of March or when the divorce is final to figure out something and at least the weather will be warmer.

I guess what I'm saying is the only right I have is to leave with my heart in hand and a boot up my a**

Any suggestions are welcome

Hi Melanie.

This sounds like an extremely awful situation. But on the bright side you can continue your transition pretty much unimpeded now.

I agree on not signing anything until you get an (your own) attorney to look at it. Often, divorce is one sided but it doesn't have to be.

Oh, I plan on continuing transition when I leave for sure, she was holding me back a little on that as I felt I was walking on glass where HRT  was concerned. I had put it on the back burner for a while to work on our relationship. My sons and I have attempted to talk sense into her, maybe stay together til my youngest was 18 (2 years). She agreed for a minute but changed her mind once she spoke to her family and co-workers who all tell her to ditch me.

I would've been on the board more, but she thought everyone would put ideas in my head. If she's divorcing me anyway and kicking me to the curb, I say screw it, I start doing things MY WAY and if she don't like it what's she gonna do... DIVORCE ME lol

Lawyer up.  If you are dependent on her, you may be entitled to alimony depending on where you live.   Whatever you do, don't cave in.  Sometimes the best defense is a good offense.   In households where the husband was the breadwinner and the wife took care of the house, how often does the wife end up homeless and destitute after the divorce?  You have rights here.

Hugs,
Jill

Hi Jill,

That is good advice...but she makes a living on a dept store salary and if she has the children, I wouldn't want to take away from them. I'd suffer anything for their well being

Please make sure to look out for number one, Melanie, and be safe.

Bug hugs,
Jill

Thanks sweetie,

At least I have bought some time until at least the end of March to see what I can come up with once my head has cleared a little. With depression and anxiety taboot, it's been rough and last night was rock bottom so far. I'm not gonna lie, I tried something stupid last night, but apparently didn't take enough. Having you girls here today makes me glad I just fell into a long sleep.

A couple of nights ago, I asked my wife what she thought the quickest way to die was. She told me to google it.   I did, and last night when I tried to OD myself, she sat there and watched.

She is at work now until 7pm and won't be here to trigger me.  You girls are literally saving my life. Thanks

Quote from: MelanieH74 on January 07, 2015, 09:44:25 AM
Thanks,

I do have a therapist. My wife always acts like everything will be ok before I see her, but then she tears into me AFTER the appointments when she knows I can't go back for a bit.

If you have a decent therapist, that my dear is a load of crap! Currently I can't afford to go see my therapist, but I have her phone number and her email and I'm under orders to contact her at least once per month. If I don't she contacts me. The point being that any good therapist expects you to get in touch if something traumatic happens. You need to let your therapist know about your wife's pattern. You SHOULD also tell her about your suicide attempt. That will likely get you a 72 hr. observation at the hospital, but that means immediate help. Your call. It sounds like you're in a rather conservative area, so some of this might be difficult, I understand that. Keep yourself as well as you can.

Oh, and about your wife not wanting you to come here because of our perspective, she's isolating you. That's what abusers do.

Why will you be homeless? You are married at the moment and when you get a divorce you split assets. I hope you don't have a ridiculous pre-nup agreement. So long as you don't, you, having been the one to stay home and look after the kids for however many years you have done so, at the sacrifice of your own career means you are entitled to a lot. Why should you move out by the way, you are married, assets are shared are they not? Is it not also your house? Why shouldn't she move out. Don't fall on your sword for the sake of your kids. That is a load of bulls***. You need stuff too, you need a home and you need your kids, your kids need you too. Don't think you are doing a noble deed by taking this lying down. Take what is yours when you divorce, and that is a 50/50 split, plus maintenance if the kids live with you. Don't give in and give her what she wants.

Thanks DEE,
I won't be isolated from here any more! Even if I am on my own on the street I'll find a wifi hotspot for my laptop or go to the library. Her watching me do that last night and not saying a word but daring and pushing me into it has as of this morning really letting me see how she is. No one should intentionally make me feel that way, let alone my wife. Starting the fed up angry phase vs sorrow for the failed marriage.

As long as I have SUSANS, I'll be ok. I'm due to see my therapist in about 2 weeks. Out of courtesy and hope for understanding I have let her sit in on my sessions, but I'm barring her a** from here on.

I felt like crap before,  not being able to help work and help with the finances. She had me be a stay at home wife, was great about when I came out to her and over the last year and a half, it like she was hiding a demon or something the way things are now.

My 18 year old son will be here with my youngest, though he wanted to go with me.  At least my youngest won't be alone since I am forced to leave.

Of course I have questioned being transitioning, but the answer is still clear.  I HAVE to. If I repressed who I am at this stage of everything, I would truly be doomed

As for today, everyone is helping me get my head straight.

Dee, I didn't even realize I was being abused until you mentioned it, I was just thinking I am scum and deserved it and more concerned with saving this family until my youngest was 18

Keep giving me insight and thank you

Hi Seras,

We are buying the house on a land contract in which she's been paying, she knows the owners, and I have no way to make the payments. If I sue for alimony, that'll make the kids do without. I'm not just laying down, I just don't have many options that don't include taking from my kids. Besides that this house is in the middle of rural WV, smack dab in the middle of her family who has been told God Knows What by now. She even turned my oldest friend on me so who knows what she's said <sigh>
If I can't make the house payments, then my kids NOR I would have a place to live

Quote from: MelanieH74 on January 07, 2015, 12:36:29 PM
If I sue for alimony, that'll make the kids do without.

Who told you that? You DO know that if the roles were reversed she'd likely be suing YOU for alimony, right?

Listen, she's probably talking to an attorney or at least getting some advice, and having personally dealt with a good few of them, if it's one thing they are experts at is saving their client's butt! If that means playing the sympathy card and using the kids as a shield, your wife will do that.

You sacrificed at least part of your life and career as a stay at home homemaker, you need to be made whole. Asking for alimony is not unreasonable. The bonus is that if you have money in your pocket maybe you'd be able to see your kids off and on.

we scrape by the way it is, and only on a single dept store salary, If I took alimony, they'd never make it. I can't do that to them even if I suffer for a while

If she wants a divorce so bad let her pay for it and see how she likes being on the receiving end of the stick for a change.  You've done nothing wrong and your wife appears hell bent on making you pay - perhaps with your life - which is wrong.

Please don't let her abuse you in this way; stand up for your rights because if you don't she will attempt to take everything. Playing fair has gone out the window; take what is yours and move on.

Quote from: Seras on January 07, 2015, 12:24:33 PM
Why will you be homeless? You are married at the moment and when you get a divorce you split assets. I hope you don't have a ridiculous pre-nup agreement. So long as you don't, you, having been the one to stay home and look after the kids for however many years you have done so, at the sacrifice of your own career means you are entitled to a lot. Why should you move out by the way, you are married, assets are shared are they not? Is it not also your house? Why shouldn't she move out. Don't fall on your sword for the sake of your kids. That is a load of bulls***. You need stuff too, you need a home and you need your kids, your kids need you too. Don't think you are doing a noble deed by taking this lying down. Take what is yours when you divorce, and that is a 50/50 split, plus maintenance if the kids live with you. Don't give in and give her what she wants.

I agree with that. Get what you deserve. When it is the other way the women usually get the most. Ask for your fair treatment.

You are not the initiator here. You are not "doing it to them". You need to think of yourself. Don't be a pawn.

Shame you have a land contract that is pretty sucky way of buying a house. I guess if you default you lose everything? You should check the contract if you can. I guess maybe it does not count as an asset though after all.

My dear sweet mother in law is helping her cover cost as she is the one filing, we will both use court appt attorneys, and as far as assets, there is only the house which I can't afford