My nephew who is 5 going on 6 and my 3 month old niece is a big reason Ive never transitioned. It's one of many but is close to the biggest reason. My nephew needs an uncle and so down my niece, not a girl. He knows me as a guy, not a girl. What I feel inside is who I am but I know my nephew would be lost. He knows me, my guy name is matthew and matthew is who he knows, not larisa. Larisa is and always has been me but so has matthew and to transition would be like taking away one of my nephews best friends in a way. Same goes for my niece when shes older. This is something I sacrificed alot for and I feel that is more important than what I want.

The other reasons is that transition would possibly not make me a passing natural looking girl, I am terrified about surgeries and even if I became a girl physically, It still wouldnt take away or change how I never had a childhood as a girl.

Regardless I am transgender always and never ashamed and I have added some girl in my look and continue to do so and I will always see the world from a girls view more than a guy ever and so on. My brain is very girl and my interests, thinking and so on is girl and so know not transitioning is hard but I again feel my nephew and niece are more important than what I want.

I can understand and respect your decision. I would add though that I'm having a similar issue with my sister about her daughter/my niece. My sister is of a mind that my niece needs a male role model and apparently I was a good one, so now she won't let me my niece lest that memory somehow be ruined. my response to my sister was that it really doesn't matter if I'm a uncle or an aunt, I am an adult relative who is caring and loving which should be the real core of the matter. I haven't seen my niece for nine months now, she's without an aunt or an uncle, I'm sure ultimately she wouldn't care which gender I was as long as I am there for her.

Hmm. I have kids and I'm transitioning. For me either it was either they have two parents in good mental and physical health or they have two gender conforming parents, one of which was miserable all the time.

However if you are really trans, are you really that male role model that you want to be?

I think one's ability to have a positive effect on a child's life is not gender specific - women can have influence as well as men.

That being said, if you're OK living as a man, no need to transition, right?

Found this link on explaining gender transition to kids:

http://www.gires.org.uk/explaining.php

You might find yourself unpacking stereotypes for them, such as that all boys are X or all girls are X. But I think kids are uniquely positioned to understand gender without bigoted views having been thrust upon them by society.

I have a 5 year old niece that has known me for 2 years as Allen. This year I was re-introduced to her as Ashley. She seemed ok with it. There is a little girl (about 5) in my neighborhood that once asked why I was wearing a dress. I told her I'm becoming a girl. She seemed to understand. She even told me that she hopes it works out for me. They don't need the details, but they can certainly understand the basics at that age.

I wonder if you need to fret about it so much? Kids are great - they're extremely open to changes in circumstances and ideas. They don't have the prejudices adults do. They'd more than likely just accept it, but it's your life and your decision.

Hi there. I have a five year old nephew and four year old niece, as well as three seven-year-old cousins. They're all coping absolutely fine with my transition. They were somewhat confused at first. But children are extremely adaptable and resilient. Don't underestimate them!

I can assure you that your nephew doesn't "need" an uncle, just like my niece didn't "need" me to stay an aunt. In fact, my niece is the one who tells people that I'm a boy and sticks up for me when others screw up and refer to me as female. My nephew sure loves the fact that I "became his uncle", but our relationship hasn't changed one bit. My niece was not sad or angry when I told her that I wasn't really her aunt. She still loves me, and calls me a boy even though she still uses female pronouns. (the only reason for this is habit. She grew up calling me she and by my female birth name and isn't old enough to understand that most males use male pronouns and most females use female pronouns. It's just a grammar issue, lol)

So yeah, the kiddos know me as my birth name, but now they also know me as Luke. And they love and treat me just the same.

If that's what your choice is, then that's your decision and I have total respect for you, because that level of self-sacrifice is selfless and beautiful. But I don't think you should see it as something that black-and-white. Kids are innocent, it's the world that makes them think this or that. They might be confused at first as to what it means that you're not their uncle anymore, but their aunt, but they'd probably accept it much easier than many adults do. People can be incredible role models, no matter the gender of the adult or the child. Single mothers can raise their sons to be wonderful men.

Also, surgery is a personal choice, and the importance of passing differs person-to-person, so that's also something for you to think of by yourself, but it's never too late to transition. If you change your mind in five years and decide you do want to transition, don't be held back by, "Oh, but it's too late now," because it's never too late if you decide to transition

Quote from: Larisa1983 on January 08, 2015, 10:39:54 PM
My nephew who is 5 going on 6 and my 3 month old niece is a big reason Ive never transitioned. It's one of many but is close to the biggest reason. My nephew needs an uncle and so down my niece, not a girl. He knows me as a guy, not a girl. What I feel inside is who I am but I know my nephew would be lost. He knows me, my guy name is matthew and matthew is who he knows, not larisa. Larisa is and always has been me but so has matthew and to transition would be like taking away one of my nephews best friends in a way. Same goes for my niece when shes older.

Do you mind me asking a fairly personal question?

Is this your opinion, or did this come from the parents of your niece and nephew?

I ask because my sister-in-law has recently been throwing comments like that at me: how it'll confuse her children; how they need an uncle, not an aunt; how it'll hurt their feelings and they'll be losing someone they love etc.  She's even had the nerve to suggest that my own children will be negatively affected by my transition too and how she's worried about them.  Just had some more issues with this again today, so it's fresh in my mind right now.

So, at the present time, my reaction to your post would be: you come first.  Kids these days are resilient, they're growing up in far different times than we did when it comes to LGBT acceptance, and you should not sacrifice your mental stability or your life for the sake of not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings, no matter how close you are to those other people, especially if the niece and nephew are really just parroting the opinions of their parents.

You are you.  End of story.  Your niece and nephew will love you no matter who you are, they'll survive unscathed, and they'll have few issues with your transition other than perhaps some questions that you can explain in child-friendly terms rather easily.

On the other hand, if it's you yourself who decided that not transitioning would be in their best interest, then fine.  You're making the right choice.

I'm just absolutely f**king furious at the moment that my sister-in-law dare stick her nose into my business and question my ability to be a good parent solely because I'm transgender and in the middle of transitioning.  I find it highly offensive, archaic, and ill-informed.  I despise the way she thinks that I'm doing something dirty and disgusting and embarrassing and shameful, like I'm crazy.

My kids are just fine with me.  If she's got issues because of her own ignorance, prejudice or beliefs, then that's her problem, not mine.

Always do what feels best for you ^^. It might has you lose something else over it but I don't want to convince you over something you seem to have already made a decision of. Just do what you think you have to do the most ^^.

With my niece its both. With the girl in the neighborhood its just my impression.

Yes I do have a sister who thinks it will confuse her 5 year old. I can't say anything more on that because she refuses to say anything and he definitely doesn't know.

Quote from: Brenda E on January 09, 2015, 07:38:44 PM
Do you mind me asking a fairly personal question?

Is this your opinion, or did this come from the parents of your niece and nephew?

I ask because my sister-in-law has recently been throwing comments like that at me: how it'll confuse her children; how they need an uncle, not an aunt; how it'll hurt their feelings and they'll be losing someone they love etc.  She's even had the nerve to suggest that my own children will be negatively affected by my transition too and how she's worried about them.  Just had some more issues with this again today, so it's fresh in my mind right now.

So, at the present time, my reaction to your post would be: you come first.  Kids these days are resilient, they're growing up in far different times than we did when it comes to LGBT acceptance, and you should not sacrifice your mental stability or your life for the sake of not wanting to hurt someone else's feelings, no matter how close you are to those other people, especially if the niece and nephew are really just parroting the opinions of their parents.

You are you.  End of story.  Your niece and nephew will love you no matter who you are, they'll survive unscathed, and they'll have few issues with your transition other than perhaps some questions that you can explain in child-friendly terms rather easily.

On the other hand, if it's you yourself who decided that not transitioning would be in their best interest, then fine.  You're making the right choice.

I'm just absolutely f**king furious at the moment that my sister-in-law dare stick her nose into my business and question my ability to be a good parent solely because I'm transgender and in the middle of transitioning.  I find it highly offensive, archaic, and ill-informed.  I despise the way she thinks that I'm doing something dirty and disgusting and embarrassing and shameful, like I'm crazy.

My kids are just fine with me.  If she's got issues because of her own ignorance, prejudice or beliefs, then that's her problem, not mine.

i would also like to echo the 'are you sure its ~your~ idea as to decide this decision ?' sentiment.

im also an uncle, and if i could financially get away with it, i would have started transition anywhere between 5 years ago, and 'in high school'. much as i might care for my niece and nephews (often goblins tho they may be), i sure as [F] would not willingly sacrifice my transition for them to retain an uncle.

i have a hard enough time trying to try to life for myself as it is, between having to fix what society broke about me, trying (in vain?) to build a well and truly independent life, and having to effortfully muster and endure days, weeks, months, years, decades, lifetimes of living as 'not myself' in the meantime (with the very real possibility that i might never achieve transition, at all, and yet still try to keep up with house chores, rehabilitative appointments, and other aspects of the volun-told life i seem to be destined for, and keep my sanity relatively intact.) - to be masochistically selfless enough to genuinely allow a trio of kids under 10, to add yet another facet of putting my life on hold for the voluntary benefit of others.

it may be fashionable in society to live for others and to help them in their endeavors, but by the same turn of the hand (and what most don't consciously realize) is that this also/usually means sacrificing your own life, and your own endeavors..... If you do not get to live for yourself in this life, then when ?

we expend so much of our lifetime in being good sons to our parents, good husbands to our wives, good workers for our bosses, good and macho buddies to our friends - when exactly are we allowed time to be who we are ? what time is allotted for us to be who and what we are ?  or is it only after our mortal bodies die and expire, that we are once again allowed to be well and truly ourselves ?

How about this instead, your family needs you, either a male you or female you, it doesn't matter.  Whether you choose to transition or not, it's your decision.  If you decide to not transition because of another person, you may end up resenting them.  Kids are remarkably able to grow and adapt their views of people and the world.  I doubt your siblings' kids will have much of an issue adjusting to your transition.

To me, it sounds more like you aren't ready for it.  There are a number of leaps of faith involved in transitioning, and ways to prepare beforehand.  Maybe in the meantime you can get ready for them, monetarily and emotionally.

For me, the time I realized I had to transition was when I realized it was that or suicide.  Losing me altogether would have hurt my family infinitely more than my being an awkward subject or embarrassment to them.  In the end, they adjusted and still love me, and I should have trusted them more.

My four year old niece (who is like a daughter to me) has had no trouble with my transition. In fact it took her about two days until she was only calling me "Damara" even when whining or having tantrums... 

Kids are just more flexible with these things than any adult would believe.. I may have a bit of an advantage in this case because my sister is very pro-lgbt and we've never placed big distinction on "male" or "female" things. RuPaul is big in our house. lol!

But my point is I don't think the concern of kids being "confused" or needing a specific gender model. Kids IMO need loving compassionate people to teach them how to love themselves and others..  But indeed if you're okay living as male that's great!

Larisa, I can empathize with your feelings, or your choice, not to transition. I struggle many days with that decision. Life is all about balance, there are no absolutes beyond death and taxes.

In the past I made the very firm decision not to transition after actually testing the waters. Today, I still hope not to have to. We make decisions each day based upon the best available information at that time. Every choice is subject to change as the conditions on the ground change.

I think it's wonderful that you're thinking carefully about this, and how it affects those you care about. As important a personal journey as this can be, gender is "only" one piece of the puzzle that fits together into ourselves. For me, it's been really important to think about the bigger picture, not just decide to transition because I know I ought to have a female body to match my brain. My goal is to be happier and to live a fulfilling life, and if transition would not improve my chances at that, I would not do it. For others transition may be more essential, but although I'm dysphoric, I know from experience that I *can* be pretty happy in the form I was born with. Not everyone can.

I worry a lot about how my transition will affect my own children, particularly the eldest, an 8-year-old boy. That's actually the biggest concern I have about this by quite a wide margin. After thinking a lot, talking to my wife (we are staying together), talking to my therapist, thinking some more, etc, I have decided that it will be ok. Children are flexible, and while I think it will be difficult for him, he will be ok. My wife and I are staying together, so regardless of my gender expression I can help give him a loving, supporting, safe home. He won't have a man in the house, but millions of kids do just fine that way, and he'll have two loving mothers who will do a fine job. One will even be able to teach him all the tricks guys need to know.

The way I like to look at it is that yes, this will be difficult, but that's not the same thing as bad. I don't accept "that's hard" as an excuse from my kids---I expect them to learn to do hard things. He (and his younger sisters) will get through this and they'll be all the stronger for it. He won't understand this now, but years from now, when he's faced with a difficult challenge, I think he'll remember my example of being honest and true to myself in the face of adversity. I don't know how I can teach him that if I hide from who I am.

Anyway, that's how I feel, but everyone's situation---external and internal---is different. I am not trying to tell you what to do, but I am hoping you'll at least consider that having an older family member come out as trans does not have to be a negative thing.

Quote from: jeni on January 22, 2015, 08:51:15 AM
I think it's wonderful that you're thinking carefully about this, and how it affects those you care about. As important a personal journey as this can be, gender is "only" one piece of the puzzle that fits together into ourselves. For me, it's been really important to think about the bigger picture, not just decide to transition because I know I ought to have a female body to match my brain. My goal is to be happier and to live a fulfilling life, and if transition would not improve my chances at that, I would not do it. For others transition may be more essential, but although I'm dysphoric, I know from experience that I *can* be pretty happy in the form I was born with. Not everyone can.

I worry a lot about how my transition will affect my own children, particularly the eldest, an 8-year-old boy. That's actually the biggest concern I have about this by quite a wide margin. After thinking a lot, talking to my wife (we are staying together), talking to my therapist, thinking some more, etc, I have decided that it will be ok. Children are flexible, and while I think it will be difficult for him, he will be ok. My wife and I are staying together, so regardless of my gender expression I can help give him a loving, supporting, safe home. He won't have a man in the house, but millions of kids do just fine that way, and he'll have two loving mothers who will do a fine job. One will even be able to teach him all the tricks guys need to know.

The way I like to look at it is that yes, this will be difficult, but that's not the same thing as bad. I don't accept "that's hard" as an excuse from my kids---I expect them to learn to do hard things. He (and his younger sisters) will get through this and they'll be all the stronger for it. He won't understand this now, but years from now, when he's faced with a difficult challenge, I think he'll remember my example of being honest and true to myself in the face of adversity. I don't know how I can teach him that if I hide from who I am.

Anyway, that's how I feel, but everyone's situation---external and internal---is different. I am not trying to tell you what to do, but I am hoping you'll at least consider that having an older family member come out as trans does not have to be a negative thing.

Agree completely. I think if other factors like career, safety, relationships with adults (spouse, parents etc) are in place, i.e. either they won't be affected at all or affected to an acceptable degree, then worrying about how kids will look at you should be the last thing on your mind. Kids' minds are very plastic as others have already said, and any prejudice etc comes only when adults inculcate it in them.