Hola.  This is extremely difficult and I'm not even convinced I will hit the "post" button when I'm finished.  Making an account here was, I guess, the actual "first step" but this will be my first time telling anybody about this.  So far, this forum has been an amazing boon to me and I hope to be able to donate.  There were so many stories that mirrored my own in the introduction area that it gave me the confidence to push forward.

I guess I'm the overcompensated-growing-up-to-try-to-convince-myself-I-was-a-dude type.  Though... there were so many signs and it was like a bell went off a couple of weeks ago and it all came flooding to me until I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I am a woman.  I actually closed my eyes to type that last word.  I'm tearing up now just thinking about how it explains my entire life.  I don't know what to do.  I'm married with a young daughter and I'm in my 30's.  If it came down to it, I would live the rest of my life in agonizing and crippling depression to keep my wife but I think she might be okay with it but I just don't know how to approach that conversation. 

It's been eating me up for days now and I was thinking it might go away but it's only becoming this theme of obsession.  Thinking things like "I'll never be passable", "I'll lose most of my family", "I actually love my Isaac Hayes deep voice", "I can't afford it", etc etc...

The dam finally burst the other night when I was laying in bed with my wife while she was sleeping.  I felt down there, above my dude-parts, where my vagina should be and pushed in a little bit.  It was like somebody stole something from me and I cried myself to sleep. 

There's so much more to this but I just wanted to get this much out there.  Does it ever get better if you ignore it?  Does this have a foregone conclusion where I have no choice at this point?  Sorry to keep this so short but I'm getting a bit too emotional here in the dark, waiting for my wife to get home.  Thanks for reading.

No one I know has gotten better by ignoring it, sorry. What you can do is be slow and deliberate, see a therapist, take only the hormones, under a doctor's care, that you really need. It's gonna be hard, I won't lie, but you have to discuss it with your wife. Tell her how you feel, that you don't want to lose her and keep her in the loop, but at the same time don't over share. It's tough, I know, I'm doing it. At times you will hate yourself, your life and the world, but it's a trial, you can survive it and come out stronger. It's OK to mourn the parts of being male you liked, it's even OK to keep them. We have a medical condition and we decide what accommodations we need to make to it.

All my best wishes to you! Oh, and one last thing, you have to talk to your wife, but don't do it while you're distraught and she's tired.

Quote from: Dee Walker on January 07, 2015, 11:03:57 PM
No one I know has gotten better by ignoring it, sorry. What you can do is be slow and deliberate, see a therapist, take only the hormones, under a doctor's care, that you really need. It's gonna be hard, I won't lie, but you have to discuss it with your wife. Tell her how you feel, that you don't want to lose her and keep her in the loop, but at the same time don't over share. It's tough, I know, I'm doing it. At times you will hate yourself, your life and the world, but it's a trial, you can survive it and come out stronger.

All my best wishes to you! Oh, and one last thing, you have to talk to your wife, but don't do it while you're distraught and she's tired.

Thank you.  A therapist is definitely on the radar for my agenda.  By "I'm doing it", do you mean you have a wife and are doing the mtf thing?  Also, what do you mean by "don't over share"?

I already feel better just talking about this to somebody.  Congrats, you are the first person, heh!

Quote from: Abysha on January 07, 2015, 11:08:03 PM
Thank you.  A therapist is definitely on the radar for my agenda.  By "I'm doing it", do you mean you have a wife and are doing the mtf thing?  Also, what do you mean by "don't over share"?

I already feel better just talking about this to somebody.  Congrats, you are the first person, heh!

Yep, together 35, married 33 years. Right now I don't know if we'll last another 35 or if I'll be gone tomorrow. I came out to her the first week in June and started HRT the first week in September. By "don't over share" I mean keep her apprised of what's going on, involve her in decisions, but don't tell her every little detail, she won't appreciate it. In many ways you're becoming the "other woman", she may or may not adjust to that. You have to decide the balance you'll be comfortable with and what you're willing to negotiate. How far you HAVE to go in transition is your decision, how much she can accept is hers. The hard part for both of you is respecting that.

Going to bed now, but I check here every morning. I'm not ignoring you.

Thank you so much.

It's encouraging to hear of a functional married couple going through this.  To be honest, it's my biggest fear right now.

But then again, it's becoming something that can't be stopped, anyway.  This last hour has probably been the best I've had in over a week.  Again, thank you.

Hey Abysha!

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Congrats on pressing post at the end of writing your first message! Sometimes it's those little steps that are the biggest.

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Hi   

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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V M

Welcome Abysha to Susan's family

So many topics to explore and posts to write

Safe passage on your path

" If it came down to it, I would live the rest of my life in agonizing and crippling depression to keep my wife"

That doesnt sound good. If things were reversed would you want your wife to live the rest of her life in agonizing and crippling depression to keep you? Maybe break up gently and once things have settled down and youre happy in transitioning, be good friends? Im still friends with my exGF, it was super hard at first but these days we talk a lot I love her loads. Just my 2c.
Best wishes to you, you deserve to be happy! x

Quote from: alexbb on January 08, 2015, 10:25:58 PM
" If it came down to it, I would live the rest of my life in agonizing and crippling depression to keep my wife"

That doesnt sound good. If things were reversed would you want your wife to live the rest of her life in agonizing and crippling depression to keep you? Maybe break up gently and once things have settled down and youre happy in transitioning, be good friends? Im still friends with my exGF, it was super hard at first but these days we talk a lot I love her loads. Just my 2c.
Best wishes to you, you deserve to be happy! x

If things were reversed, I'd stay with my wife and proudly call her my husband.  I just have a hard time believing another would do the same for me.  She is the most wonderful woman I know but, even so, I feel so vulnerable and unsure of what would happen.  It's so unpredictable that I would be equally unsurprised if she reacted on either end of the spectrum (embracing or shunning).  I've never been into dudes and I've even explored that possibility years ago so I know I'll want to stay with her so it's really all up to her at that point.  That scares the crap out of me.

On a side note, I sort of toed around the subject the night before last and her response was positive but it turns out she didn't take the hypothetical tiptoeing far enough.  She's never been the best at reading me (which comes in handy most of the time) so it was frustrating when I thought I pretty much came out to her and found out I really didn't.  But, at least I found out that, if I died, she would consider marrying a woman and that if I had a horrible motorcycle accident and went totally cyborg, she would stay with me.  I don't know about you guys but my line of inquiry that night seemed pretty suggestive yet she was oblivious.  At least it's a start.