It has been 6 months now my husband of 24 years told me he had gender dysphoria and wanted to be a woman.  You can only imagine the anger, the pain, the hurt that I felt. I have gone through a lot in the last few months, trying to hide a lot of my pain and confusion and trying to enjoy the holidays because I have a 9yr old son and didn't want him to feel the pain I was feeling. I even tried getting help from my big brother who ended up shunning all of us after Thanksgiving b/c I didn't know if I could do X-mas dinner at my house because of all the problems I was going through. My father passed away in the midst of this all as well as my husbands sister who had cancer for 2 yrs. Its been quite the roller coaster, let me tell ya. Both of us are feeling so much pain. I love my husband and thought I would be with him forever...see our son grow up together...get grey and wrinkles together...but now I don't know anymore.  I have been trying so hard to hold it together. He tells me all the time that I am the stronger one of the relationship, and always have been. The hats I have to wear have now become a tremendous weight on me and I don't know how much longer I can do this. We have fought, cried, threatened to kill ourselves, cut ourselves, hurt ourselves in some way and it just hasn't seem to get us anywhere.  I want the man I married back...he is not totally gone, but I can see the changes. He even tried to grow boobies! That killed me to see...but the worst of it was the emotional changes it was doing to him. I told him he will kill himself if he doesn't get off the drugs! He says he has stopped...I pray he has.  It got so bad one day that he wrote me a goodbye letter and just before he left, I just happened to come downstairs and see him "dressed" in female clothes and make-up on his face. I went into shock and tried to kill myself right then. He stopped me just before I got the knife out of the rack. I cried for hours that day... He promised he would never try to kill himself again...I pray every night he never attempts that again. He has recently found someone to talk to. It seemed like it made him feel better.  I made a decision that day to try my best to be supportive and love the person who is inside that I feel in love with...and let me tell you it has really made a difference in my husband. He seems happier now.  That's all I care about really...but for me...I can't stop hurting inside.  I started looking at old pictures today and now all I can see is loneliness for me as I will never see my "old" husband again. Never can see my family together again... No more pictures to show off together...  It hurts too much.  I don't think I will last much longer.  I've tried seeking help, but guess there isn't anymore people left in this world who really cares for this kind of stuff...  I don't understand it all that much either, but would at least try to help someone if I could.  My family can't help and I don't think I want to find another husband. I'm 43 and I think the time of going out to bars is just not my thing anymore.  And how could I knowing I would hurt my husband. He wants me to be happy and says to do what I have to do, but all I want is him and me like we were...  I would rather be dead than feel this pain... I just wish I had the courage to end it all...  I wish I could find a witch doctor or hypnotise him back...  I don't think there will ever be any hope...ever.

Oh hun I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through!  My wife has been going through the same thing since I came out to her, you're not alone in how you feel. I have tried to understand my wife's point of view, she feels the same as you. The problem is, we see things from different worlds, it's as hard for a a trans person to understand a cis persons view of things as it is for a cis person to see a trans persons point of view.  Just know that you are NOT alone. There are places you can find help, please don't give up on yourself, you have a future, although it may not seem like it right now. Many, many people have been in the same situation as you, you WILL find a way through it, stay strong hun, for you and for your son. Hugs.

Hi Lost Lady,

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Discovering that your SO is transgender can come as a complete shock, but it is far from being the end of the world and it does not necessarily mean the end of your marriage.  My wife and I are better than ever after 20 years of marriage and me coming out two years ago at the age of 43.  The fact is that gender dysphoria tends to be quite progressive in nature.  If mine did not progress like it did, transitioning would not have been necessary and I would never have needed to so much as come out as transgender.  Your SO likely has what is essentially a woman's brain and it cannot be rewired.  What saved me from drinking myself to death was going to a qualified gender therapist, psychiatrist and endocrinologist who put me on estorgen.  Estrogen made me feel SO much better almost right away that I knew I could never go without it.

Please find a therapist with some expertise in this area.  Your son needs both of his parents to be alive and happy.  Society is making rapid progress with transgender issues, and years from now it will not be seen as a big deal at all.  In fact, there has never been a better time to be transgender, and I am thankful and proud to be around for it.

Hugs,
~Jill

Welcome Lost Lady to Susan's family

Lots of topics to explore in the significant other boards.

It truly is hard and I echo Jill's and other posts.

Therapy is needed. If you and spouse want to keep your relationship it will take all your acceptance of each other's

Respect and communication.

One last note: your child does not need a life full of sadness due to a parents loss over emotions.

Hugs and lots of SO here.

Hi   

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Lost Lady,
First of all, welcome to Susan's.  I think that you will find people here who will listen and help you.

First of all, I feel sorry for both of you because you're both hurting.  Your husband is hurting because he see's how hurt you are.  Then you see how hurt he is, plus the weight of the upcoming changes in your life, and then you hurt.  It's a vicious circle.  You BOTH need to seek therapy NOW before either of you threaten to hurt yourselves again. 

One thing that I want to point out - the "he" that has always been there for you will still continue to be there.  That loving person inside won't change.  In fact, if the conflicts are resolved by coming out and going through transition, the "she" that will result will be far happier and less conflicted than "he" ever has been.  You may end up with a closer relationship in the end. 

But, it will involve you being able to let go of the "him" in order to embrace "her".  Yes, that's tough - really tough.  But you have to remember what I said - that person that you fell in love with and had a child with is still there - just in a different package physically and emotionally.  I would imagine that all "she's" looking for is acceptance of "her" by you.  "He's" been struggling all this time trying to keep a secret and now that it's out, probably feels not only the pain of changing "himself", but additional pain to see you struggle, as well. 

Once you make the decision to accept "her" and decide that "this is going to work out, no matter what", then I think that things will be better.  Do you remember the part in your marriage vows "in sickness and in health"?  That's commitment, pure and simple.  The change in your lives will involve commitment on the part of BOTH of you.  You'll both need to sit down and have a talk and say to each other, "We're gonna see this through, no matter what. We love each other, and that's what's important." 

But again, you BOTH need therapy.  "He's" experiencing all of the changes and you're grieving AND having to deal with the changes as well.  Every person who goes through this needs help to make it.  The fact that this hurts so much is merely a measure of how much you care for each other. 

Keep your communication lines open at all time - BOTH of you.  Each of you need to know DEEPLY what the other one is feeling at all time. 

Please write again.  That's what we're here for - to support and help each other.  I will be thinking of both of you.

Thank you for writing me...  My husband stayed home today because he saw how unhappy I was.  We have always been there for each other and I think we always will until we die...  God knows I have tried to understand, but the fact that this world is loaded with ignorant people who wants to hurt those who are not "normal" and I don't think I could go through seeing my husband getting hurt, beat up or even killed!  The life he wants is only full of hurt and torment and loneliness.  I don't want that for him...  I wish we lived in a world that was accepting of no matter what you wanted to be or do, but its not.  I miss so much of what we had...  I miss his stubble on his face when he use to tickle my neck...  I miss playing with his chest hair...  I miss his beautiful hairy legs...  I miss his manliness...  I just miss the man.  I do love him so much and could not think of living without him, I guess that is why I said in my last post that its either with the man I married or death.  I know my son would be messed up if I died, but I feel I'm already dying inside anyway...what's the difference.  Yes, I know I need help too...but what I usually get is, "live with it, or leave".  And like I said before, how can I leave when he is everything to me.  I have already cried my eyes out this morning and will start again if I don't stop writing.  I wish you could understand...  I had a bad life growing up and when I met my husband I felt like everything would be better and I would never hurt again...like this I mean.  It doesn't matter how much he says he loves me and he is still the same person inside.  I do see the differences both inside and out.  I don't want to see him hurt anymore and I don't want to hurt either...I have no choices left in my heart it seems.  There seems to be no answer.  He has chosen a path of misery and I can't help him anymore...I do try.  Maybe if I hit my head hard enough I will forget everything and who I am and then he can just clean up my drool.  I almost feel like I'm 18 again and getting kicked out into the world with no idea of what to do...its been forever it seems since I chose to become a stay at home mom.  I gave up my working to take care of the home and my beautiful son.  I just thought one day after he got older I would go back to work somewhere doing something...I thought I had time.  Now time is my enemy.  I have given so much in my life that I have forgotten who I really am.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I have no family who really cares or understands.  I am alone.  Alone to take care of me and my son.  I mean have you seen the jerks out here today?  When I was younger I was hot and had no problem getting a guy, especially the guys in the army   That is where I met my husband.  Everything was so perfect for so long.  Now I've gained weight and am older now, who would want me and my son?  Can't run to the base now looking for a husband...  Its not all about the looks, but its the way a man feels to me, ya know?  And I want that back so bad...  I don't want to be the man anymore...  I'm just running around in circles now...sorry.  So, that's it for now...maybe I will go drink myself to sleep.  So stressed out. 

Welcome to Susan's, Lost Lady. You an your husband are going through a lot. The both of you are processing who you've discovered and what it all may mean. I went through the same thing nearly 10 years ago. I was in my mid fifties. My spouse was totally shocked  when I told her I wear women's clothing. I was trying to understand what was happening in my life. At the same time I could understand her thoughts and feelings. We had been mariied twenty five years at the time.

It took time and patience and answering her questions to where she now supports me 100%. I've never been happier  . There will always be the haters. Being transgender is not a life of doom and misery. It's living authentically and enjoying life. My spouse and I will celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary in May. We go places and do many things together. If anything our lives are better.

Dear Lost Lady,

You paint an understandably emotional picture relative to the shock this news can cause.  Many of us here remain successfully with our long term married partners in relationships that are even stronger after such dramatic tests.  While this is news for you it is likely that your partner has been privately dealing with this for a long time in fear and without clear direction or support.  I applaud your willingness to provide loving support and respect the depth of your feelings.  I trust no one here will question your valid sense of loss and pain.  Like any grieving process it may take time to see that a bright future remains within your grasp.  Many of us can assure you that we are happier and better adjusted people with the help of counseling and transition.  Relationships that can be flexible enough to withstand these stormy seas feature a resilience that can strengthen us for future challenges that may have nothing to do with gender.  My wife and I have been married over 40 years and she has known about my transgender nature for decades.  We still deal with kids, grandkids, great grandkids and any number of family fun and crisis that are a part of family life.  My wife remains a cisgender woman and my changes do not make her a man or masculine in any way.  People are very creative and there are ample opportunities to rekindle a loving and intimate relationship that deals with change.  Your partner did not lose a limb, a job or the homestead.  You may even find that she is a better mate than he ever was.  I hope you will choose to stick around for your son, for your own growth and for learning more about the truth your husband has shared.  None of us can really go back and it may be a new era of honesty for your relationship. That seems far preferable to living in shame and denial about who we really are.  Lots of significant others and resources here for education and support.  You need not feel alone as this is more common than one might guess.  Thank you for sharing with us.

Hi Lost Lady, welcome to Susan's Place! You're in a difficult situation, but the advice you're getting is coming from the experts, so try to make good use of it. Communicating is the key. We're open 24/7 here, there's always someone around for you.

Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you all for the love and advice and support you have given me...it really means a lot.  I do know the hurt that my husband is going through, more now than ever.  We had a very upsetting morning this past week and things got really bad...I did things that I am sorry for and pray that they never happen again. It got violent. I don't even remember what happened. I think that was a wake up call for us both. We both went to see his therapist that night and something inside of me changed...I made it change. I embraced his soul and love and loved him with all I had. I put everything I didn't understand away and gave him my heart and soul. I couldn't spend another moment watching him be so upset. He in return told me how loved he felt and how much he has missed it for these past few months. His happiness means the world to me. I am trying so hard, you have no idea. The thought of not having him or her in my life kills me. My husband is still hurting and I am still confused. I know he wants to please me as I do him, but the dysphoria is killing him. Forgive me for not being able to let him go...I keep thinking that because of his horrible abusive upbringing and the comfort he had dressing in his sisters clothes that maybe that is the cause...and can fixed? I have read so much and its awful that its ok for girls to be called "tom boys" and be accepted, yet when a boy does it, he gets called a "sissy" or even worse, a "->-bleeped-<-got". My husband told me his dad said those things to him all the time. My husband was called all kinds of things throughout his life, even by teachers because he was poor and was always by himself. I hate people so much...nothing but cruelty and hate for people who are not the "normal" fit. My husband tells me now that people are calling him "->-bleeped-<-got" behind his back and laughing...  How can I let this happen to him?  I tell him all the time that if I am with him and I hear that, I will kill that person!!  We live in a place and time where being transgendered is just not acceptable and all I worry about is my husband getting killed or hurt...  Isn't there anything that can be done to change him back?  I know most of you will say, "no", but with science being what it is today, isn't there anything we can do?  My husband seems so conflicted and wants to try to come back, doesn't that say something? How do you distinguish between being "mentally and physically abused" or being genetically altered in the womb??  Shrinks and therapists just don't seem to be really helping a lot...who else can we turn to for answers?  Please someone help me...I am trying with all my heart and tears...  Please just don't tell me to just accept this...I need answers to help me get pass this...I have been helping my family with so many issues and problems over the years with research and not taking 1 answer to be it and all...I have always been the rock...but feel like I am letting my husband down...and feel so lost...

"but the dysphoria is killing him"  Dear Lady that is what many of us here will confirm has been part of our truth too.  Oh we have tried mightily to make this go way, to be a phase or something we are kidding ourselves about.  There are countless anecdotal stories here of people who have and continue to struggle with these disclosures. 

We had a local presentation by a physician experienced in providing care for transgender people.  Another doctor in the audience asked if we shouldn't just focus on ways to "fix" that part of our brains.  We are not diseased and this is not going to go way with any known or acceptable treatment.  We all have challenges and this won't be the last one you and your partner face together.  You point out your own decision "I made it change."   Much of this is perspective and the glass still contains the same volume half full or empty.  You do have choices and the possibility for honest growth in your relationship.

Cultural discrimination and prejudice can be addressed and honestly seems to be getting better.  I am meeting very young people who have the support of family and friends for being themselves.  Six year old kids have stood up for their right to use the correct bathroom without school district hassles and prevailed in the courts of law and public opinion.

Please hang on for the long term.  You do seem to recognize there are no short cuts or answers that work for everyone.