Does anyone else pre-HRT (or not) feel like when they present themselves as the gender they feel, they feel like theyre "playing a part" because they dont have the body they want to see themselves in? Kind of like the feeling when youre forced to present as your gender assigned at birth. Because I feel this way a lot. I am a trans man and when I present as male, I feel comfortable and confident, but then I see someone who knows I have a female body and I feel like I'm lying or I'm just pretending to be a boy. Is this just another form of dysphoria or am I actually lying without fully knowing it? I also have really bad anxiety so could this be from the anxiety too?
I don't have dysphoria a lot recently and I've ealized why: When I am alone, I see myself as male. I look in the mirror and I see a boy. My breasts and curves dont bother me so much until I remember that "cis" men dont have these things, and I remember that no one else sees me as male. Then, I feel ridiculous for presenting as male when everyone I know has known me for years as female. I get embarrassed that I dress male because of this. I'm afraid people will make fun of me or think I'm crazy for trying to look like a guy. 
Does it seem like I might be lying to myself about being trans? Or that i've convinced myself to think that?

I can definitely relate to what you are saying. Right after I went full time at work, I questioned myself because I felt like people just perceived me as a guy who happened to be wearing girls clothes. For me, thinking about what it would be like to go back to presenting as male and realizing how much better I felt helped me to get through it.
     Now that I have been full time for a few months, I am being perceived more and more as female each day. While it's important to realize that your gender identity is separate from other people's perceptions, it can definitely help when people are interacting with you as the gender that you already know you are.  Ultimately you are the only one who can decide what is right for you, but for me, I could never go back.

Looking back at my life, I know exactly how you feel regarding "acting a part". I have always felt self conscious about appearing too feminine in how I walk, act, gestures, ECT. I was denying who I really was. BTW I'm a pre everything MTF.  For some reason a huge wave of  dysphoria  hit me a couple of months ago and was severe enough to motivate me find a gender counselor.  The one positive that I have taken from all of this is that I will no longer act the part of a male. I have decided that I will be myself at all times and stop worrying if my "male act" is holding up.

I'd say it's a mix of anxiety and dysphoria. It sounds similar to me; by myself I usually don't get too much dysphoria, because I'm not really aware or reminded of the things I get dysphoric about. Outside or around people, I'm on-edge because of my anxiety, so I think about everything and then I remember that I have all these 'discrepancies' (for lack of a better word) between how I look/sound, and who I am. But it's not that I feel like I'm playing a part, it's more just discomfort.

Honestly, if you feel like you're a man, you're a man. Your body doesn't decide what your gender is, so you're not playing a part, you're being yourself.

I know the feeing and I like to think that it will fade away.  I too am pre everything. When I go out in Punic I still present as male (no where near close to passing or even being questionable yet) but at home I am starting to feel more and more like a woman but recently I have started to question that too. But the way I figure it is just my mind trying to confirm that I am truly a woman.  I don't consider when I dress up to be a lie at home but I am disgusted by what I see when I go out.  So hang in there be strong and walk with your head up high only you know if you are on the right path.


Vicky
MtF

Totally understand.  I don't really wear female clothes because I know I hate the shape and hairiness of my body.  I'm working on that and I don't want to buy ANY clothes, male or female until I lose that weight.  Until then, I really feel like I'm a guy in drag.

But at the same time, presenting as male, I feel fake, too, like I'm a woman in drag.  Except I "pass" really well. [emoji6]

I am pre-everything and I consider my clothing styles are somewhat andro.  Jeans, t-shirts, polos at work.  I hate wearing ties or any distinctly male clothes.   

Dysphoria is a strange cruel mistress. Or mister.

Oh, yes, I know the feeling well.  Most of the time when I'm out and about I feel quite comfortable, but it happens often enough, for whatever reason, I start feeling phony, like I'm just putting on an act.

Sometimes I get angry.  It's not my fault that I don't have the body I need, that I should have got.  I'd like to put in a complaint, but I don't know who to go to--God, Fate, some celestial joker, who knows?  All I can do is live with it.

I would suggest that it's just a matter of what you are used to. Dressing to suit your figure and look requires a lot of hit and miss, even for cis women. They've had all their life to work through the stuff that doesn't work for them (and many still get it wrong). Women's clothing is of course designed for the female body shape so you will need to accommodate that or it simply will not look right. As for feeling like you are "play acting" that goes away the more you do it.

Oh totally, I felt that way for a long time but it's eased up the longer I've been on hormones.  I think it's pretty normal.
I also felt like early on I was overcompensating with male behavior, etc, and it didn't really feel natural but somewhere along the process of becoming comfortable with yourself I think you naturally find your groove.
It makes sense, after all a large part of how we see ourselves has to do with how we feel perceived by others like it or not. Things will get better bro!

I know exactly what you're talking about.

It didn't help that the clothes didn't fit exactly right either. Now even with just a little padding/redistribution I feel MUCH better about myself, even though I'm not at my "final" shape yet.

In fact, wearing men's clothes is awkward. It doesn't feel right. My men's trousers fit oddly and they just look odd in my opinion. Even the skinny jeans look and feel awful now. They're too tight around the legs and the seat is always sliding around, I have to adjust it. I just give up and wear women's jeans now.

If you start hormones, I promise T will probably change the way you feel. This is a fact. Your male identity wont change, but will probably be boosted.

Hey Skylar,

You describe some very common feelings that many of us have dealt with in our transition or journey of self discovery.  Early on i too wondered if this was simply delusional, making it up or simply convincing myself of something I wanted.  Then there is the contrasting reality of how hard many of us worked to deny, repress and forget these trans feelings.  That level  of life long repression makes it hard for us to go back and basically connect the dots of our past to find the truth of who we are.  Yea we get it, our bodies may not reflect our basic gender identity and I too worried about looking ridiculous and being hated on.  The truth is our fears get magnified in isolation while most people (at least in the west) could care less about another masculine appearing female or a feminine appearing man.  We are not immune to having stereotypes about gender and may be part of why people like me take a dramatic shift to publicly present in a fashion that is closer to my congruent self image.  Initially I wore nothing but skirts and dresses for months.

I would ask myself why anyone would talk themselves into being a member of a maligned minority with the potential for hatred and huge personal risk and loss.  I doubt you are crazy but you may want to consider a therapist for a licensed opinion on that   You are more likely finally being honest with yourself and dealing with another uncomfortable truth?

Instead of thinking of it as trying to be something, let yourself just be.  As a transperson, just worry about being you, not how others perceive it.  Oftentimes the people we perceived as our judges or audience, are too preoccupied with their own stuff to care.  The friends you wish to keep will hopefully be accepting of your new change in status.  It may involve some embarrassing conversations, but supportive friends are worth it.

I highly recommend listening to Eli Conley's Pinocchio.  Which can be found on his YouTube channel or on Spotify/iTunes - All the Livelong Day EP, performed with Hip for Squares.  He's a transman singer songwriter, and the song is all about what you are talking about in your OP.

I've struggled with a sense of not fitting in all my life, so I don't really care as much anymore whether people see me as a "real" woman because I'm too tired of caring about everyone's opinion.