Hello again Susan's folks!

So after coming out to myself last year as trans-masculine (for lack of a better term- I'm actually not super psyched about labeling myself but I am happy with male pronouns and a more masculine appearance), I've been making efforts to start embracing the self and the body that I think I would be most happy with for my future.

However, I think I worry and overthink things a lot. I didn't always know I was a guy- in fact, I'm glad I spent my high school years as a girl, in a way. That girl is a part of me, but it's not the part that wants to be... shown, for lack of a better way of putting it. Still, I do love myself and my body, even if it needs to change a bit for me to feel the best about it. It's still my body though, and I don't reject it, and- this probably seems silly- but I constantly worry that this means I'm not trans and I'm just psyching myself out?

Anyway, I met with some HRT folks in the area earlier this week and they told me they could start bloodwork and therapy stuff whenever I wanted it, and now I'm not sure... when to start.

I've only been 'out' to my close friends for about three weeks, and these nagging concerns that I'm not trans enough still stay doggedly in my mind. However, I feel that taking T would really help me look in the mirror and finally feel like it's me that's staring back.

Maybe this is all silly, I just wanted to know if anyone else had a similar dilemma during their transition?

Thanks, and hugs to you all!

Kiernan

Hi Kiernan! First of all, congrats on all the steps you've taken -- this journey isn't always an easy one, but the moments of bliss we do get out of all this trouble are worth the struggles in between, at least in my opinion.

First off, I'd just like to put your mind at ease about not being "trans enough" or trans at all because you're not an extreme. Just like gender and sexuality, I've found that dysphoria and the entire trans* umbrella lie on spectrums, as well! One thing I saw a lot when I was questioning the same things is this handy reminder: cis people don't question their gender! They know what they are, and haven't the slightest inclination (usually) to try on another gender for size, so to speak. Those same feelings you mention, about knowing that hormones will help you find that person you want to see staring back at you in the mirror? That's exactly what convinced me that T was the next step in my personal transition. That being said, only you can decide what's best for you, whether that be steps to medically transition right now or in five years. Your journey is yours alone, and no one else can dictate what that means for you.

If you're not sure if you want to start T right away, a therapist still might be a good option, if your wallet isn't stretched super thin, or if your health care is fairly extensive in covering the costs for hormone therapy (like mine luckily was). If, while attending sessions with a therapist, realise that T either is or isn't the best option for you, even if it's only for the moment, than perhaps they can suggest things to help in the meantime. Mine recommended me to a female and trans-friendly adult boutique that offered stuff like binders, packers, STP devices, etc., and it really did help until I could transition medically.

Sorry if I went overboard, but as I've been in your boat in the very recent past, I thought some insight from someone that finally made a decision one way or the other might be helpful. Also, congrats on coming out to your friends! I know that can be hard, but support feels amazing, once you have it.

I am also guilty of a lot of overthinking.

I came out last summer, started therapy in the fall, and started the informed consent process in late November to get on testosterone. Prior to all that, I had been trying to work through my gender issues for about 8 years. For a really long time, I was positive that I would not go down the hormone route and would only be pursuing top surgery if anything.

But I found the longer I waited, the more I wanted. I saw other guys starting to transition and getting great results on T. I did my homework on it and all the surgery options for about a year before I came out so that I could tell people exactly what I was planning to do.

And I was still terrified that I was maybe making a mistake when I walked into my first HRT related appointment. I was terrified (and excited) applying my first dose. And now? My mood is better, I feel more at home in my body, I don't get misgendered in public. Based on what you've said your goals are, I think T would be great for you. Maybe talk to a therapist or one of the HRT people you spoke with and see what they have to say. They probably hear loads of personal experiences from people just like you.

Thank you both so much for your input! I think I'll wait it out a bit more just to put my paranoid side of myself to rest, at least a little more... and in the meantime keep doing what I'm doing pre-T. It's just always confusing and tough when your feelings don't quite seem to match most people's when it comes to transitioning, but I guess that's a matter of individuality among every trans person, aha! Thanks again!