I posted the following at another site and am looking for your inputs, experiences, and advice?


MtF, 8 months in with obvious development...small yet feminine breasts, hips growing. Stealth to all including the wife - haven't approached it yet, unsure how far I'm planning to go with HRT, deathly afraid of losing her...yea, I know - not the way to handle this ...

With that said here are some vignettes from the past few months...

While on driving on vacation my wife reached around me on both sides of the car seat (I was driving and she in the back) and very sensuously massaged my breasts. We were visible to other motorists, and that factor coupled with the total unexpectedness of it, along with how INCREDIBLE it felt nearly drove me to orgasm - had it gone on I would have, with unpredictable results at 85 MPH on a six-lane freeway but she stopped after about 5 minutes.

On the return drive a few weeks later I got the same treatment "to keep me awake" for a total of at least 90 minutes during our 18 hour drive. I made no effort to hide how heavenly it felt.

When we were home I asked her to try to bring me to orgasm just through massage; she sat behind me in bed with her legs along mine, and was able to do so. I practically melted. She openly asked me if I wanted to be a woman ... I laughed and said that couldn't happen.

When getting out of the shower once she noted that it looked like I would need a bra if my moobs got much bigger...I countered with, "You'd better hope not, or I'll not need you" and she laughed.

While in bed I pulled her hands over to my chest as she spooned me and she kept her hands there as we fell asleep.

She made the comment about what had changed about me that made me a much better person to be around, and a better husband, and hinted that I was maybe having an affair (which I've done once in the past, technically...long story)

In bed I vastly prefer to be submissive although maybe 1/3 of the time I take control ... No matter what her hands are on my boobs which are slightly more than a handful in size. She's made the comment, "There's only one Woman in this relationship."

She's recommended that I start using a face care regimen and I do what she does - toner, moisturizer and another specialized moisturizer for the eyes.

I've had next to no body hair for several years ... Shaving, then laser (laser sessions I kept secret). She's never complained and likes stroking my legs and gently cupping and holding my face in bed. I.love.it.

In bed the other night she mentioned my moobs and commented on their size ... I deflected by saying they would likely shrink when I finished dropping my extra weight. I'm down 20 and have another 25 to go ... Problem is they are likely to become even more obvious instead.

Brought up Brad Pitts (I think, I loathe celebrity culture so I'm not sure) child who at the age of 8 is dressing opposite of his/her gender...coincidence or sounding me out and looking for a reaction?
She insists on me keeping my hair short, which I do, although I periodically threaten to "just let it grow." I don't mind the butch look.

At the beach on vacation I wore a T-shirt in the water and again it was OBVIOUS I had something going on on my chest but she made no comments.

I don't think she'd divorce me, but I could see her abandoning me and moving in with her family some 1200 miles away...and I am more madly in love with the woman every day. She even tastes better.
More if I think of any thing to add.

E1: I've lost quite a bit of strength and while wresting and what-not she's made the comment that she is stronger than I am; while I can "win" due to experience and technique, I've no problem with being weaker than I was, with the commensurate loss in muscle size.

E2: She noted a while ago that she was taller than me now; I laughed and noted that was unlikely but I did measure myself and Inhave in fact lost a full inch 5'5" now which is about perfectly her height.

E3 Just remembered she has oddly made comments about my earlobes being "small" and has caressed them repeatedly. Has mentioned this at least 3 times while in bed which stikes me as odd.
My ears are not pierced though I would like them to be.




Edited For Language

 No idea. But it is a bit selfish to completely go for your goals already being on HRT while your meaning to be soul partner knows nothing about it. She does seem to know, she even directly asks and hints about it.

The longer you wait with this the harder you make it for yourself. I would say, be honest. If you had an affair before and stayed with you, she shows she trusts you. But yet you do not trust her enough in return.




Edited For Language   

Hi   

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's some quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Hugs

V M

It sounds like your wife is already keen to what's going on. If you told her what was up, I don't think she would be surprised. It also sounds like she'll be very supportive. It ALSO sounds like a way to add passion and excitement to your marriage!

You're in a good place.

Welcome to Susan's

I am married and I came out to my wife 2/15/2013 and started HRT 5/28/2013. CVS called on the phone and she asked why and I told her. My wife has stayed with me and we love each other very much. I hid a lot from my wife and now I am totally disclosed (she read my Susan's posts). I have a chance to keep honest now. It feels great.

BTW, a rash guard helps at the beach.  You will need  nipple and areola protectors.

I don't know if she knows or is open to being with a woman romantically you may be projecting your hope on to her observations.

I will say this, you're playing with fire. She might be okay but betrayal and lying are on equal footing with straight and married a man not a woman for reasons why marriages don't survive.  The longer you wait the more likely she will feel lied to and betrayed. She may see your side which is the pain and suffering and fear that led you to hide but she might not.

I'm not going to tell you how to handle it but I'd get with your therapist on this pronto.

I came out to my wife in October last year. I thought she knew what was going on, but when I dropped the T bomb, it took her completely off guard. It basically turned our marriage topsy turvy. But we are recovering. At best though I think we'll be friends. At worst we'll have an amicable divorce. To be honest either is fine with me, as long as I get ample time with my kids. We have zero intimacy now. She doesn't want to be a lesbian (and to be honest I am realizing I may not want to be one either.)

She did say if I ever gave up on the idea of being a woman, her arms are wide open to take me back. So I guess in her mind I'm gone already.

In any case if you are considering full transition, you have to tell her. It might be rough in the beginning, or it may not be. She sounds as if she could be accommodating but it's hard to tell when stuff gets "serious."

Holy crap!  She's like handing you an easy "out" on a platter and you still haven't told her?!  It sounds like she's almost hoping you become a woman... man, you are lucky! 

Most of us are petrified not knowing how our wives will take it and there you are, knowing your wife is not only probably cool with it but may even like the idea and you still haven't told her.  If I could climb out of my box of envy and frustration enough to yell to you, I'd say "GO FOR IT, MS. PROCRASTINATOR!"

It sounds to me you may have a great marriage ahead of you even after your change.  Count these blessings and take advantage of them.  If anything, she'll just get mad at you for not telling her even after she's dropped all these hints. 

I agree with the others who say that deceiving her to go on HRT was a risky decision, but that ship has sailed. I would counsel honesty and communication from here, at least. My wife has made a point of talking to lots of partners and spouses over the years, and that's what she always says - that concealment and making unilateral life decisions without consultation are high on the list of things that destroy relationships.

It sounds like your wife might already suspect, which is encouraging in that she say she'd support you, but she also may be hurt that you outright lied to her.

Yes, that's the rub...she's running hot and cold on me...I dunno.

I'm ~9 months in and have never felt better or more 'right' in my life...don't want to lose my family over this, don't want to give up transition...quite the mess.

And for those who say 'out yourself' - pretty hard to do that but one way or another things will likely come to a head.

Inevitable.

Thanks for your insights so far

-Alyssa

The sooner the better because the further along you are, the more of betrayal it becomes. If she's on board she might even help you.

When you read this, bear in mind that I'm not telling you what to do, you are the only one who understands the particulars of your situation. So please take this as something to think about rather than specific advice or instruction. I don't know how to phrase some of this to be less direct without making it really hard to read.

I think you should think very hard about whether the route you're taking is fair to your wife and family. I don't see any way to both transition and maintain your family without involving your wife in the process---you will need her support, and that means you will need to approach this in a way that she can be comfortable with. It sounds like you think there's a chance that she will be open to staying with you through the change, and while I don't think anyone can interpret the vignettes you posted with any real significance, they certainly don't give evidence that she WON'T be closed to this. But I think the only fair way to figure that out is to ask her and hope to turn this into a shared journey.

You've already gone a lot farther than I'd be comfortable in stealth at home, but that's done, and your situation is different from mine and you know the dynamics of your marriage and I don't. "Outing yourself" can indeed be difficult, but it may be less difficult than the alternative.

In my situation, coming out to my wife was a complete non-issue, but I came out to my parents over the holidays. That was the hardest step so far, but I did it. It was really tempting to put it off, and when opportunities to have "the talk" arose, I found myself making excuses. But after a couple excuses, I sat down and asked myself whether there was any benefit to delaying the uncomfortable conversation. I had some reasons to wait that were not just "I'm afraid," but when I thought about it, they didn't stand up to even the slightest scrutiny. They were not reasons to wait, they were excuses.

Anyway, those are my thoughts, and maybe there's a thought in there that will help you with your decisions. I wish you the best whatever path you choose, and I hope your wife and family can understand and work through this alongside you!

any updates?

NSFW!



No change, no updates, still closeted.

We were intimate last night and we really take our time now; she spent a goodly amount of time on my breasts, suckling and massaging them - enough to make my toes curl.

Yet she is rather religious and I don't think she would be able to reconcile the actual vocabulary with the reality. The dichotomy now is obviously there.

Maybe we are both trying to savor the Sunset of our relationship, neither one willing to rock the boat and hasten the coming of the night.

Don't give up yet.  A great love is worth fighting to keep but, yea... odds are stacked.  Try to find middle ground that gives you enough and isn't too far.  At least, that's my struggle.  I have to present as a guy to keep my marriage intact but can go out and about as a girl too.  Totally not optimal but I am not willing to lose my wife. 
Best of luck though and I hope you can make it work. 

Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on January 10, 2015, 02:58:12 PM
It sounds like your wife is already keen to what's going on. If you told her what was up, I don't think she would be surprised. It also sounds like she'll be very supportive. It ALSO sounds like a way to add passion and excitement to your marriage!

You're in a good place.

Oh yeah, she knows. And you may likely not as good as hiding your tracks as you think you are. My wife playing with my breasts would not be totally out of the blue. She always knew that turned me on. Just like being on the bottom.  She also knew of my "hobby" of cross dressing from about day 1

I TOTALLY understand how you've been doing things to date. Been there done that, got the hat. I've been on/off low dose HRT a few times over the decades for the emotional reset. Always stopping what the conflict arose about being "normal" when things started not working so well downstairs.

The ONLY thing that has kept my marriage together after I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife 6 years ago has been open and honest communication. Something I knew NOTHING about aside from having spent a long time with my wife who self describes as "Pathologically Honest". By the end of my third TG support group meeting I knew two absolute truths; 1) That I Needed to be there and 2) It was past the drop dead point for telling my wife what was up.

Telling most wives is never easy. Dropping the T-Bomb on a wife during a period of a long distance marriage that was shaky and a wife who was also chronically ill, depressed and near suicidal many days was not on my top 10 list of things to do. Six years latter we are still together. Plenty of tears shed on both sides. Plenty of difficult conversations made all the more difficult dealing with TMI and unfiltered emotions.

YMMV

I'd get on with confessing if I were you. The reality has to set in sooner or later, her actions seem like she would be supportive.

Quote from: JoanneB on January 16, 2015, 08:00:17 AM
Telling most wives is never easy. Dropping the T-Bomb on a wife during a period of a long distance marriage that was shaky and a wife who was also chronically ill, depressed and near suicidal many days was not on my top 10 list of things to do. Six years latter we are still together. Plenty of tears shed on both sides. Plenty of difficult conversations made all the more difficult dealing with TMI and unfiltered emotions.

Wow,  Joanne, that is quite a story, I am really amazed that you had the courage and strength to do that. I am so happy that it worked out for you, it sounds impossibly hard!

My wife is unbelievably supportive and happy about this, but I still have some trouble with the TMI factor. I like to be open about what I'm feeling and going through, but as positive as she is about the transition, she is often uncomfortable if I talk about sexual feelings. She explained it once as making her feel too much like I'm talking about a fetish. It's not, and she knows and believes that, but I can kind of understand where she is coming from. Still it can be frustrating because, understandably I think, there are a lot of those feelings---as much as this is not about sex, it's pretty closely linked. (The most amazing thing to me is how completely my once overwhelming urges vanished pretty literally the instant I admitted to myself I was trans!)

Quote from: JoanneB on January 16, 2015, 08:00:17 AM

Telling most wives is never easy. Dropping the T-Bomb on a wife during a period of a long distance marriage that was shaky and a wife who was also chronically ill, depressed and near suicidal many days was not on my top 10 list of things to do. Six years latter we are still together. Plenty of tears shed on both sides. Plenty of difficult conversations made all the more difficult dealing with TMI and unfiltered emotions.

YMMV

Wow. Sounds a lot like my wife.  No long distance but very rocky right now.  If I may ask, how did you tell her?  What helped? 

My problem is that I don't know anymore if I want to save the marriage. In one day, she'll swing from wanting to divorce me to telling me I'm stuck with her til, death do us part.

given how far you are into HRT, I would say your wife  definitely deserves to know.  I doubt she doesn't already know or seriously suspect, but the longer  you hide it, the more potential for everyone involved being hurt more than if she found out sooner.