Hello all. My name, or more so my chosen/preferred name is Jynx. Jynx Estelle Rosalie. I am... new to the idea of calling myself a woman, and at the same time I'm not. I'll elaborate more on that later. I joined this forums because I have a lot of.... concerns regarding this, all falling along the lines of do I REALLY feel this way, and do I ACTUALLY want to do something about it. I know a gender therapist would be a great start but for now, I'm 22 and I live with my mother, and there's no way I could tell her I feel this way right now.
To explain my situation, just recently I have decided that I am, in fact, transgender. I did a lot of research but wasn't satisfied with any results until recently. Most stories I see of people with my feelings have much stronger signs and responses to and of these feelings respectively. Since I have yet to see a story quite like mine, and doubt I will, I've decided to take this step and tell my story, if not simply to tell more people than to get some advice or, perhaps most appreciated would be, affirmation.
I know this is a lot to read and I thank anyone who reads it.
I was born a boy, and I've been seen as a boy all my life, but for as long as I can remember variations of a question would randomly pop into my mind: What if I were born a girl? Or, as the question soon progressed to when it appeared, why couldn't I have been born a girl? I always decided that the way I was born was what I was meant to be and pushed it aside.
I can remember a few distinct things about growing up and even now I've seen (and see) as signs. There were occasions, when I was alone in the house, that I would take and put on my mother's panties and bra. I'd avoid female clothes as I was too timid to go that far. I remember looking in the mirror with the underwear on and loving it... but hating the erm... bulge if you will, after which I'd promptly strip them off in shame and put them away.
On top of these moments, I found and still find I do not vibe with typical male culture. I have never like sports or cars, rough housing was something I avoided, and guys in general seemed... well different to me. As well I have, for my entire life, sat down when using the bathroom. And that is how I lived, as the "different" boy. The boy who wasn't attracted to guys (although I could be if they had the right personality), but loved cute things and envied women's expressive fashion.
To this day I have one feature that I hold to be my biggest evidence of my dysphoria, my voice. Often times when I pick up the phone I'm addressed as "Ma'am", and quite frankly I don't mind it one bit, although I used to.
For the last three years I've been heavy into online gaming. Now this may seem unrelated but I bring this up because only in these last three years have I acted like a girl. I even go on voice chats with my online friends and am still treated and thought of as a girl. I love that, it's great to be myself without having to censor my feminine mannerisms. I even began going out with my current girlfriend (long distance over the net) through these games.
My girlfriend is the first person I came out to. Within the first week I couldn't lie to her about it anymore, and told her that I was a guy, and further explained my situation. We've been together for almost a year now, and she treats me like the girl I feel like. I also came out to my closest friend and his brother about this (all online of course) and they were very accepting.
I feel blessed that I have these people, but at the same time I'm plagued with doubt. You see, I also have a mental condition, Asperger's Disorder. A characterization, and indeed one I'm often pointed out on, is fixed, intense obsessions that come and go. I'm scared that my sudden strong desire to be a female, although it was always in the background, might be a result of this. I can't currently talk to a gender therapist because I need to first apply for, and be accepted on, disability, and then get my own home were I have space to be me.
I know that was a lot and I thank anyone who reads it. I'm desperately looking for any advice on this matter, any ways anyone knows that helped them affirm that these feelings were real, and that this was definitely who they are.
-Jynx Estelle Rosalie
