A dear old friend of mine who I pretty much came out alongside is having his top surgery today, and I should feel happy for him but I just feel crushed.  We did this on the exact same timeframe-we both came out a little over three years ago, went full time six months after.  But his transition, like every other one I've seen has just been better than mine.  He has a partner.  His sister has been an amazing ally for him. And now this...I wish so badly that could be me, and I could just be done with this whole transition process.  I thought I'd be done by now when I started making my plans three and a half years ago.  I told myself "I am not going to let this run my life"; and I tried and almost did that, but now, my gender is the only thing I ever think of.  More than my art, more than my relationships, more than schoolwork-I just can't get my these issues off my mind, and it's ruining other parts of my life.  I wish this whole process could just be over, and I could be something other than a trans woman some of the time.  I don't know what to do-how can I prevent this from dominating my life until I die?  How can I make this whole process just end?  People say that "eventually it just stops being a thing" but that's not happening for me, and I can't deal with it  🙁

You're on a ladder and you need to start compare yourself not only with what is one rung up, but with what is down below.

I know   I just can't see myself climbing any higher, and that's just not ok.

Sure you came out at the same time but you're on your own trajectory so there's no point in comparing your friend's transition with yours. My experience is that sometimes the process plateaus and things don't change until you make the decision to change them. That said I think you've made more progress than you realise. I know what you mean about the process of transition dominating your life though - it's the first thing on your mind when you wake up, on your mind all day, the last thing on your mind before you go to sleep, day in, day out,newer after week. It can wear you out and be stressful and depressing. Having a circuit breaker is essential. It does get better though, that's my experience at any rate. Hugs. 🙂

But it CAN'T plateau now.  I can't live with things the way they are now.  I still don't pass all the time, people still stare at me and I still hate my body with a vengeance. 

All I mean is that seeing that having a successful transition is possible for someone else but not for me is more pain than I can handle.  If this is as good as it's going to get, I see no point in continuing to exist.  I'm not prepared to go through the rest of my life like I am now; If I can't progress further along, I don't want to be alive anymore.  This is ruining my life.  I will never have any way to get past this stupid transition process; I need this to be over, I can't handle it anymore!

You fight on 

I can understand how you feel. Most of the girls that transitioned around the same time as me have gone and had their surgeries and moved on their lives. This includes my best friend who had the resources for SRS, BA, FFS...she is a beautiful woman today. And then there is me trudging along year after year stuck in the almost sorta  kinda passable pre-op ->-bleeped-<- land working hard 60 + hours a week trying to support my daughter and stash away enough for my surgeries.

As happy as I am for my friends, sometimes I can feel envious and bitter towards them, espesially when my best friend is showing off her looks in a bikini or something. I'm human, negative thoughts and feelings are a part of that.
But my situation is the way it is though. I have not had the money and resources that others had, so I keep working, keep planning, keep trying and know that my day is coming.

You focus on what you need to do for you, on how you will get to where you want to be, and try not getting sucked into thinking to much about what they have and you don't.   

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on January 16, 2015, 03:05:08 PM
But it CAN'T plateau now.  I can't live with things the way they are now.  I still don't pass all the time, people still stare at me and I still hate my body with a vengeance. 

All I mean is that seeing that having a successful transition is possible for someone else but not for me is more pain than I can handle.  If this is as good as it's going to get, I see no point in continuing to exist.  I'm not prepared to go through the rest of my life like I am now; If I can't progress further along, I don't want to be alive anymore.  This is ruining my life.  I will never have any way to get past this stupid transition process; I need this to be over, I can't handle it anymore!

I'm going to toss out the obligatory "If you're feeling overwhelmed, call a hotline. Please."

We need you around.

You say you don't pass all the time. I really gotta tell ya, this "passing" thing is overblown. I see fat ugly women with greasy hair and crappy clothes all the time. They're 100% woman, but I wouldn't want to look like them on a bet. You're beautiful, learn to live with that instead of lamenting that you don't meet someone else's idea of what THEY want you to look like.

People stare at you? They stare at lots of people for lots of reasons. Ignore them.

You hate your body? That's an easy fix.

Get a hobby, plan a trip, do something to occupy your time. Taking a break from the community here can help clear your mind, too. It's easy to get caught up in everything and dragged in by the current.

Hugs, Devlyn

I have a trans friend that is taking the first steps, I knew her before she started transitioning. I feel happy for her, but I admit that I feel a little bad about myself all the time but I know I have to be patient.

My gender is the only thing I ever think of

I understand what you mean. I've been the same since I realized I was trans. Gender is all I think about. And just after I realized I was trans many years ago, it seemed as though every I went on the web, there'd be news involving a transgender person or an article about ->-bleeped-<-. 

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 16, 2015, 07:32:28 PM
I'm going to toss out the obligatory "If you're feeling overwhelmed, call a hotline. Please."

We need you around.

You say you don't pass all the time. I really gotta tell ya, this "passing" thing is overblown. I see fat ugly women with greasy hair and crappy clothes all the time. They're 100% woman, but I wouldn't want to look like them on a bet. You're beautiful, learn to live with that instead of lamenting that you don't meet someone else's idea of what THEY want you to look like.

People stare at you? They stare at lots of people for lots of reasons. Ignore them.

You hate your body? That's an easy fix.

Get a hobby, plan a trip, do something to occupy your time. Taking a break from the community here can help clear your mind, too. It's easy to get caught up in everything and dragged in by the current.

Hugs, Devlyn

Yah what Devlyn said.

Self destruction is what i will add.

Hugs

I don't pass to save my life and I'm only a month and a half in really. But I still go about my life. I mostly get sir'ed in men's clothes but I get almost no gendering and the occasional "ma'am" or "miss" in women's clothes.

You look better than me, in fact. I don't see what's the problem? Sorry to sound like I'm trivializing it but I think the "passing" thing is in a lot of people's heads.

Stop trying so hard to pass as a woman, but just try to pass being you. People stare, people are rude, might call you names but not because you are trans, but because you are unique. Whether you would be big, fat, tall, skinny, black, white, or purple with yellow dots. People will look at you.

The other day I was at Amsterdam Central where you here a lot of people talk. A guy I guess he was like.. 180cm or so? Which is not very tall for a guy here so it wasn't like he stood out at all. He walked by with his friend mentioning how he felt like everyone was watching him.

He didn't caught my eyes for sure until he mentioned that. You will only start noticing people stare at you when it bothers you or when you stare at them. And everyone feels insecure about that.