This is the conclusion I've reached after reading two books for class last week, and I've been thinking about this for a week now and it's just confusing the hell out of me. I mentioned it to my therapist and my professor (in s reflection) paper and they didn't seem to agree, but I'm not satisfied.

In case you guys are interested, the books are Joining the Resistance by Carol Gilligan and Deep Secrets by Niobe Way. Basically the books talk about how young/teenage girls (Gilligan's book) and boys (Way's) resist the gender stereotypes of patriarchal culture.

Anyways, after reading chapters from those books and reflecting on my own experiences, I felt really confused because the boys' narratives resonated a lot more with me than that of the girls l, or at least it seemed to me that way. It's especially confusing because I grew up in all-girls schools and so was not at all subject to the pressures boys have to be "masculine," either directly or in directly. I grew up around girls. So I find this quite odd. My explanation is that I've socialized myself, subconsciously, as a boy among girls? This would kinda explain why Ive had 3 close friends (2 are my current closest friends and one I was really close to in high school)  tell me that they don't really see me as a female and never did? I was always treated differently I guess, not bullied necessarily but.. I don't know. This is just confusing me a lot, because why would being trans or not affect the way I've experiences my relationships? Especially if it has more to do with social expectation than your gender (a big part of the arguments made in the books).

So I dunno, your thoughts/experiences?

I can actually see how this might happen at an all-girls school. Without boys around, there is just the female side of the spectrum and then you outside of it, as you know you aren't the same as they are. In a co-ed environment, the male/female opposition is standard and set.

With all girls, there is a vacuum on the male side, and you can put yourself in it. Additionally, being surrounded by all things feminine constantly probably made the delineation that much clearer to you in your head, so your brain was able to calibrate itself in opposition to it.

Then there's the opposite of that. I had so many male cousins that my natural tendencies were reinforced through that socialization. I tried to have female friends in school, but in general had more comfort with male friends. Of course, I say friends but really.... I only ever had one Main friend, all the others were aquaintances through being in the same classroom (co-ed public). I was a pariah at the best of times, Glasses, Deaf and Gifted labelling. (sigh)

I think our minds are often in the *right* place even when we ourselves try our hardest to "fit in" with the gender presented to us in the mirror. We may or may not be dysphoric, but we can very well be subconsciously behaving as our true genders.

I would say I probably was more socialized male as well. I always fit in with the boys more than the girls. In fact, when I came out to my dad, I started with "you know how I've always been more a son than a daughter?" I think there is a lot of variance in how people feel their own gender and the masculine and feminine parts of themselves. But I think a lot of us who feel very firmly planted to the masculine side of the spectrum probably naturally tended more toward a boyish childhood unless they were forced not to by parents or society.