That's wonderful news! And not least encouraging, given my own not distant having to come out publicly. I'm starting to be really annoyed by having a male name (yesterday was especially bad due to some incidents), and once I change it I can't keep secrets anymore. My fears about the reaction from priests is among the few things keeping me back.

Bad news is I still have to step down from the lector position to preserve the sanctity of the mass and prevent distraction. Good news is that the church is there to help us. And by help us it doesn't mean try to "cure" me. I'm cool with that. I love my church and community.

Quote from: Rina on December 05, 2014, 01:36:44 AM
My fears about the reaction from priests is among the few things keeping me back.

It is for me but I have found that the Church is actually very compassionate. I believe also that Pope Francis wants more "open arms" and less "rigid rules" in the church. He was very sympathetic though but from all of this I am really feeling I will stay with this parish. I will take more of a back seat but I will stay. My kids and wife maybe will do other ministries. We really do need the help as not many are volunteering.

A bit of an update.

Lector stuff is basically done, but there is a story here. I signed up to do Christmas Eve mass, but arrived late and someone else took it. Getting the kids and everyone ready is always a production and it takes a lot of time. The priest yelled at me though. Well so much for that, I don't think I want to even show up in that church anymore. Maybe that was the intention. He knows about my situation and they see me physically changing (it's hard to hide). I really don't want to judge him though, but I think I better just not go anymore.

And this is depressing. I really enjoyed going.

But I think that next time I go, I will dress up en femme, maybe even go in a nice dress. Probably won't be for a few months though. Or maybe I'll go ahead and go to another parish in stealth.

I need to talk to my therapist about this. Sigh.

That's sad that you don't want to go anymore.  Are you sure he wasn't upset that he had to look for someone else?

You said getting everyone ready is a big production. You have get your kids and someone else ready for church besides yourself? Or are you generalizing? Is that even a word? Lol

Having been in the sacristy in different parishes before Christmas and Paschal Triduum Masses and liturgies, it wouldn't surprise me if having to look for another lector was the real and only reason for his anger. Those days are really stressful, and anything not going as planned can be a huge source of frustration. That said, he shouldn't have yelled like that, especially knowing about your situation. I can attest that transition is a lot more stressful than even the Easter Vigil...

I can understand how you feel, though - I'm not going to Mass often myself, due to fear of reactions, be it disapproving looks from random parishioners, or reactions from people I know or priests. Still, I intellectually think it shouldn't stop me. I'd tell myself to go nevertheless. I just wish I could take my own advice.

Quote from: Broken-hearted on December 29, 2014, 11:33:53 AM
That's sad that you don't want to go anymore.  Are you sure he wasn't upset that he had to look for someone else?

I'm pretty sure that was it, but he made a comment about me leaving my wife hanging, and I better not leave him hanging.

QuoteYou said getting everyone ready is a big production. You have get your kids and someone else ready for church besides yourself? Or are you generalizing? Is that even a word? Lol

3 kids, 4 years old. 2 girls 1 boy. Triplets. My wife and I.  It's a production.

Quote from: Rina on December 29, 2014, 07:26:20 PM
Having been in the sacristy in different parishes before Christmas and Paschal Triduum Masses and liturgies, it wouldn't surprise me if having to look for another lector was the real and only reason for his anger. Those days are really stressful, and anything not going as planned can be a huge source of frustration. That said, he shouldn't have yelled like that, especially knowing about your situation. I can attest that transition is a lot more stressful than even the Easter Vigil...

I can understand how you feel, though - I'm not going to Mass often myself, due to fear of reactions, be it disapproving looks from random parishioners, or reactions from people I know or priests. Still, I intellectually think it shouldn't stop me. I'd tell myself to go nevertheless. I just wish I could take my own advice.

My wife still wants to go, but I dunno. I might want to go to another parish. I know way too many people in my church.

Hey Kate, there is no need to leave your Church. My priests (very conservative) say that as long as I'm not having sex, I can be an active parishioner. I'm guessing you will remain in your marriage which means that you won't be intimate outside of marriage. The Church has no official position on this issue. However, there is a national LGBT Catholic support group which includes weekly Mass, with a Roman Catholic priest, and twice a year confessions, unless you schedule it with him, they offer all the other sacraments. The group's name is Dignity USA. I also recommend that you go on New Ways Ministry which has a list of gay friendly Roman Catholic Churches through out the US, I'm sure in New Jersey too. PM if you like, and thank you about my fiance! God bless you! Jazz

Hey Jazz, I missed this.

Thanks I'll look into it.

Haven't been there since Christmas. I miss it.

I transitioned at my church - Presbyterian - and the experience and welcoming has been amazing.

Yeah, funny you mention that, I am an ex Presbyterian. It just wasn't for me plus I married a catholic. They are pretty accepting though and the one up by me is lively and open.

So I went back tonight. Largely uneventful. My priest didn't really say anything. I was presenting male though but you could tell I was different.

I've just been reading through this thread.  I'm not a Catholic but I am a committed Christian.

Questions about sin:
Jesus said  that divorcing *and remarrying* is a sin because it counts as adultery.  Divorcing and remaining single is described as "Allowed because of your hardness of heart", but not according to God's will.
Jesus never once criticised people in same sex relationships.  It just doesn't seem to have been on His agenda.

One thing that Jesus did get quite annoyed about was hypocrisy.  My personal testimony is that I lost my relationship with God when I was living as a man but knew that wasn't what I really was.  Once I was openly honest about myself I regained that relationship.

The church of which I was a member for about 30 years had already cast me out on the more minor matter of suspected cross dressing before I made the decision to transition.  I joined a church which is much more welcoming and makes a point of welcoming people of all racial groups, sexualities and genders.  I attended for about five months as a man and just took part with the rest of the congregation.  When I transitioned the sort of reactions I got were "Do you do flowers?" and "Can I put you on the rota to make coffee?"  Men make the coffee as well as women but they hadn't asked me before.  Now I'm one of the Readers and on the list of Stewards.  I'm also in the choir - on the rare occasions we have one.  Nobody seems to have any problem with one of the Basses being a woman.  This sort of church does exist but it can be difficult to find one.

Funny you mention about on the rotation to do coffee/hospitality following service.
I seem to have become the go to person when no one wants to do it or someone calls in sick.
I do the work of three lol....but I love the "thank you's"

I think a lot of the way we are received is down to our attitude.  I said I didn't do flowers or bake cakes but I was happy to make coffee, read the Bible, hand out hymnbooks, and various other jobs.  We have a Taizé evening service once a month and last month the woman who organises it asked me to cantor a couple of the chants because the first and second choice people weren't going to be there.  I said I'm not really a soloist but I was happy to have a go.  Isn't this the way it should be?  I'm just one of the women who can be called in to help with all sorts of things, and that's the way they treat me.

So we went back today - Palm Sunday. I feel bad because I feel like a holiday Catholic now plus the priest was really sad and spoke before the mass about people not attending mass and made a plea for people to at least attend the holy week masses and try to reincorporate the church into their lives. So I think I'll do that. I go to confession on Monday. I am not confessing being transgender because what I am doing is not a sin. I have other things to confess besides.

I didn't present fully female, just more androgynous. But I have the female shape, including breasts butt and hips. You could tell. My hair was longer and face is different.

People didn't ask me anything. Instead they asked my wife, not about gender but commented I looked different and had to do a double take because they didn't realize it was me. She didn't out me or anything (but I told her I don't have a problem with it, it's just that she does).

And I officially resigned as lector last week... they were sad to see me go. I wasn't specific in the reason but the ministry leader probably knew why, I presumed because the priest told her.

I'll still go to this church but I will ease into girl mode here...

Blessings and all good Kate.  You are a child of God and woman of faith so rest and trust in Him whenever you have doubts and don't know what to do.  Mark 4:35-40 is something I like to keep in mind when things seem to be going badly.

As to clothing androgyny can be good.  For a long while after I started living as myself I wore jeans and a tee shirt with a beret, denim jacket, fingerless leather gloves and boots in a sort of Biker girl/Dieselpunk kind of way with silver jewellry  and feather and bead earrings.  For my first year or two I wore a skirt like it was a religion (please excuse the reference) and had a rough time of it.  As  'Dieselpunk girl' I didn't catch any crap at all, - though in truth she was a bit of an angry wee thing.  Not one item of clothing I wore back then came from the male side of the clothing stores, it was all women's gear so I was happy with my new look.

I'm not advising you to scare your family and the neighbours by dressing as I did back then Kate.  What I'm saying is there are a lot of women's clothing styles that run a nice line between the sexes and won't alarm anybody too much.  True enough it might leave them guessing and scratching their heads, but at least you can get on with life.

I'm a convert too and I would accompany my elderly Mum to the Anglican church in the parish I grew up in back when I started to become more and more her caregiver.  Mum's friends would say to her, 'I don't remember you having two daughters,' ( I have a sister) but Mum was a real brick and never said a word about the transition I'd made.  Needless to say Dieselpunk girl toned herself down a lot when she went to church.
I was studying to be a social worker at the time so I would go to Mass during the week at a time that fitted nicely between my classes.

Later on when I became a third order Sister I would still take Mum to church even though it was plain to all that I was from the other church down the road.  I agree though that it's important to not be a distraction to the Mass and having taken the lector's role sometimes I can well understand why it was so important to you.

Entering into Holy Week it's a good time to be examining one's faith and path in life, so keep praying Kate and I'll pray for you too.

Because I regained my faith after transition I have decided to renew my baptismal vows.  Most of my present church know my history, there may be some recent new members who don't, and there are a few with Alzheimer's who won't remember.  Our minister says she wants to personalise the liturgy - I'm not sure what she intends, but if she suggests something like "Mary formerly known as John" I won't object.  I've just written invitation cards to my children, unfortunately the only one who is really supportive is 360 miles away.  I intend to use this as a testimony to all who will hear and I'm inviting friends from the LGBT support groups and other groups I belong to.  Many of them don't ever go to church.  One special friend describes himself as a serious CD rather than describing herself as a beginning TG and is pretty obvious to those who can tell.  This could be a head-on collision of cultures.  Our minister can handle that - I hope everyone else can.