This is a topic I've talked to a few people in the past and they all disagreed with me. I don't want a relationship as a boy (in the past I wanted to, but I can't without me feeling like I am tearing my own heart out. Gender roles makes it incredibly hard). I'm the type of person that would want to be in a relationship with someone who is stronger then me and maybe a few years older.

I guess the sad thing is, I would give a relationship a try, but the main thing that stops me is the gender roles. Most people I know believe that men can never get upset, that they have to be strong and masculine. They even believe they can't get emotional. I'm a very emotional person, and how could I be in a relationship with someone that makes me feel worse about myself?

Even before I have the chance to enter a relationship, I get upset because I am always told very similarly "You're a boy, you need to be a strong man and blah blah blah" these words always crush my heart. If there were no gender roles, I still think I'd want to be a girl - it would however just delay my transitioning.

I am frequently told that I am like a "woman on her period" and that's mostly probably because I am really sensitive. I sometimes cry over the silliest things (my mum believes I may have hormonal problems).

If there was someone out there who didn't care about gender roles and just accepted me as a HUMAN BEING then I may give it a try, but everyone I've ever known just disagrees with me and calls me sexist for believing that there are some women that are stronger then men. Aren't they being the sexist ones? No female on the planet is stronger than ANY male?! I was bullied by a group of girls in school and people only ever laughed at me because I was a boy, and I was meant to be "strong" and that just wasn't true.

I would try being with a girl as a boy, but my ideals are the same, they'd have to be a few years older, stronger than me and understanding and caring. Basically the main bread winner or something. When I was young I always thought women had equal rights, yet both men and women contradict this by saying that men are the only strong ones, that they are the bread winners, and that women should just cook and clean. What?!

"Women are emotional and men are rational" I'm more emotional then rational.

Does anyone agree with me at all? I want the same thing a woman wants, yet people just dismiss that because I should just want sex or something.

Every time people tell me that males only think of "one thing" or people think I am trying to sleep with a female friend, I always enter a state where I get really upset, go home, find a sharp knife and get ready to cut off my genitals. But... I am not brave enough to endure the pain and embarrassment. But I know one day if I don't get to transition, it will be chopped off by me.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Perhaps it is a geographical / cultural thing, because I know plenty of incredibly sensitive males.

There are many places where all types of behavior are acceptable. If the people who stifle you are people you have chosen to be around, it might be a good idea to try to meet new people that are better aligned with acceptance of who you are.

If the people you are around are forced due to not being out on your own yet, then I completely understand. Someday, though, you will have a "chosen family" of friends and acquaintances. This is where you will shine someday.

In the meantime, you've got to do the best you can with what you have and know/trust that you can and will make a better life for yourself in the future. It is the only way we can achieve great things.

There are many, many, many people who feel the same as you. The stereotype is that men are strong and silent and can't cry, but screw that. A lot of people don't care about that. You can be in a relationship with someone and them be the strong one and you be the more emotional one. Or you can both be strong, or you can both be emotional, etc. It's just down to who you are and who the person you're with is. Just do what feels right for you, and you'll find people who feel the same. I've never met anyone in person who thinks women should just be emotional housewives, so it might be where you live, too. But I promise you, there are soooo many people who have the same outlook as you do.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be submissive. That doesn't necessarily make you 'the weaker one' in a relationship.

Nothing wrong with being a sensitive male either, but as a male, it is harder to express your sensitive side because society often dictates that it is wrong to do so. You can be sensitive and still be mentally strong. Physical strength is one thing, but both men and women can be equally strong mentally.

There are submissive males, and dominant women as well, there are so many different kinds of people in this world.

Thanks guys/girls for your honest replies.
I moved states a while ago into a small town but everything generally seems the same or maybe better/worse? Anyway, the people who say this are often the very people who are all "for equal rights". There was a woman telling me that women can be as strong as men and that women should be able to do the same thing as men can, yet contradicts herself later on saying that women are weak and that men has to do it all. This isn't just one, two, or three people that say this. It's most of them.

There is a few people who agree with me, but they're not my friends either.

And Jason, I agree with you, but everyone I know seems to disagree or be "fake" and pretend to agree, only later to reveal that they never truly agreed and was simply using me for something, like meeting someone else, or getting a specific item, etc.

It's almost like.... People want equal rights, but without the equal rights... Does that make sense?




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Gender roles kind of piss me off.  More so now than they used to, but they never, ever settled well with me.

I've had exactly one sexual partner.  Gender role was a big freaking deal to her, something I never fulfilled for her.  Her reaction to that was to be emotionally and verbally abusive, to constantly cheat on me, lie to me, and then choose that exact moment while we were having sex to tell me about other affairs, other men, and how they were better than me.  When she did want to go along with something I wanted to try, something that felt... right... to me... it didn't.  Sparing details for the sake of TOS, it hurt, she didn't seem to care at all about what she was doing to me, and when I asked her to stop initially, she didn't.  I had to start screaming and waking people up before she finally did, and afterwards, she was colder to me than she had ever been.  It was the night I knew I had to end things with her.

A few years later, I start talking to this really religious type.  I've had on and off trists with faith over the years, and she was someone I met at the beginning of my final round with trying to be of the faith before just giving up.  So, I tell her that I'm really not comfortable with the church's take on gender roles.  I don't want to be the "head" of a family.  I saw what that kind of power trip did to my dad, and I don't want to end up like that.  I also don't think it's a man's place to "lead" a family.  I want a marriage that's a partnership of equals, and a woman who knows what she wants and is okay with the fact that I'm just not this macho... thing.  So she just FREAKS, going on and on about how we couldn't work because God says this and God says that, and quoting Books of Paul (which, these days, is about the quickest way to get me to stop even pretending to think you have a point worth validating, but back then was just one of the many ways the faith would seriously deflate me).  Obviously, this didn't work.

Its come up in other, smaller ways all throughout my life, too.  To this day, people see me as a guy and automatically think I care about sports, then actually get indignant when I shrug and tell them I'm really not into that, so much.  And I mean, indignant to the point that it's like I just insulted their politics or religion, all because I don't give a flying toss that, for a recent example, OSU won the whole college football whatever.  Which, okay, I guess, but it's this expectation that because I'm supposedly "male" to them, I have to fit into this box of what they think "male" is.  And I just don't.  I don't even want to.  If given the choice to just become a girl, press a button and *BAM* done, I would.  No question.  Like, not even a thought.  But if I never had that option, if transition was completely impossible, I wouldn't ever want to conform to that macho BS male stereotype.  It makes me physically ill just thinking about, and I hate that I let myself care about that for so damn long.

The worst part of this, however, seems to be this thread of transphobia among men, even men that are seemingly tolerant about everything else.  Like, "why would you ever WANT to be a woman?"  Then there's the assumption that being MTF also means you're sexually interested in men, and that you might as well just stay a guy and be gay because, like, "tolerance".  Except... if that "instant girl" button was there, you couldn't stop me from hitting it, you know?  This goes beyond just wanting to wear dresses and makeup.  This isn't just some kink thing.  Plus... my sexual identity's never been a question for me.  If I'd been born the right gender, I'd be on some gay support board right now, talking up another complete world of issues I'd have because of stupid freaking gender roles. 

Because no matter how this works out, I just don't fit into these simple little boxes.  And I hate that these boxes exist at all, because it feels like the world would be a hell of a lot better without them.  The idea of transition itself is starting to feel like just another box, that in order to be seen as a girl, I have to have hormones and surgery, and I don't know if I want all of that.  Some, maybe.  I'd love to not have all this body hair, especially the chest and back hair.  I actually just noticed this week, I have really hairy arms.  I actually feel like a freaking Hobbit, because it's even on my toes and fingers.  Not a whole lot, but more than any girl I've ever seen.  The bottom dysphoria's become more real to me, lately, but that's also in part because of all the work I've had done just to keep my urinary tract open, and just being tired of surgery.  Which kind of taints my view of SRS, right now, because it just seems like I'd need even more surgical maintenance.  Dilatation kind of scares me.

I don't know.  I just wish I didn't have to concern myself so much with having to conform to a bunch of arbitrary rules just to be seen as the girl I am. 

DariaQuinn I never had a sexual partner, or any partner before for that matter, but I had some friends say very similar things like "God says this therefor you should be this! Not that!" Kind of thing, and if I ever explained to anyone about not liking my male anatomy, they'd just turn around and say something like, "Boys like sex, and they're here to spread their seed, nothing else" I was also told that if a male dies that it doesn't matter because there is millions of men out there for them to spread their seed. Basically "a mens death is not that important because they can be replaced".

I am in fear to ever be in a relationship for numerous of reasons, and this is one of the main reasons. Because if someone I loved died, I could NEVER replace them! How am I meant to comprehend someone replacing me as if my existence didn't really matter?

And I agree with you, I don't like sports, and I'm not macho, or anything like that. Yet people expect me to love sports and whatnot. Instead they just assume I'm gay or something. No one cares if they think I'm gay, but at least half of them are transphobic.

Dilation kind of scares me as well, but at this point I feel like if I don't "come out" soon then I will undoubtfully end my life. I would press that "girl button" without a second thought as well. Not a single thought or anything. I'd just see that button and I'd press it, haha.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

No amount of surgery and/or hormones is going to make you more or less of one gender. There is only one gender that matters, and that is how you define yourself as you know yourself. Nobody can ever take that from you.

The conundrum is that we form our identities by bouncing it off of other people in some kind of feedback loop. Today's culture focuses heavily on the binary, and unless you have an inner circle of support that reflects your identity properly back to you, you will be at a severe loss.

Finding people that will (at the very least) address you as your true gender regardless of any "progress" in transition is KEY. I would say try not to get hung up on society at large, it is just not worth it. What you need the most is people that "get you".

FWIW, I as well am a little freaked by dilation. I've decided to go the non-op route. Does that make me feel any less of a woman even though countless people have acted surprised? Heck no! Does the fact that I like welding metal, working on my truck, and hooting "HELL YEAH BROTHER" to my best friends? HECK no! Would I want to change my past in any way? Seriously, no.

The only problem with that as if I still look like a boy, I'm going to feel incredibly awkward if people call me a girl. I'd feel more comfortable if I looked more feminine.

I don't really have a group that will support me - I'm sort of going at it alone with minor support from my Mum.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

There are all kinds of people, cisgender, straight or LGBTQ that continue to challenge the provincial and traditional gender roles.  Perhaps some of us in the USA are living in a cultural bubble but it seems to be a world wide phenomena that has progressed a long time.  Feminist thought and action have been around a long time.  Women are no longer resigned to the roles of mom, nurse or secretary.  Each of us can make personal choices to live without that rigid conformity.  Men also have ample opportunity to throw off the rigid roles.

Growing up in the 50-60s in america we had tv shows like "Father Knows Best" and "Leave it to Beaver" that portrayed fictional characters with very rigid and stereotypical roles.  Dads worked and wore a tie and suit while moms stayed home and wore dresses.  Mass media did not portray the truth then or now.  My recollection of the later 60s was of a time when the "counter culture" was in ascendancy and it feels to me that we have been making progress ever since.  That is cultural and when it comes to a personal relationship we have even greater power and can choose to be with someone who can think and live outside those tired old boxes.

It is another old cliche but freedom is not free.  If we want a life that allows for maximum freedoms to express our individual and preferred gender roles then we will likely "pay for it" by dealing with far less enlightened people who may feel threatened by change.  It seems a worthy goal to be in relationships that will encourage your personal growth and unique expression.  Finding those reciprocal and supportive souls is a part of dating and romance.  I trust youth and that yearning for love connections will keep keep the dance going with some exciting new tunes.

Hello XiaoMei,

Gender and gender roles are heuristics for making social assumptions and have little to do with gender or even sex.  I am a non-binary, bisexual, transgender woman, does that make me more or less sensitive that a cis-girl, or a cis-boy who is self aware?  I don't know I was never much good as a boy, stuffed myself deep into machismo for a while as a man. Evidently thought I was Captain Jack Sparrow for a time in my twenties and settled into resignation and gender role fulfilment for a few decades before seeking something called authenticity.

For me that entailed transition, that is not the case for everyone but it was for me.  Jennygirl is right that the gender that matters is the gender you define for yourself.  Where on the spectrum of gender identity you find a life of honesty, acceptance and authenticity is your gender.  It isn't necessarily male or female, it is you.  That is true as far as it goes, but how you are perceived and subsequently treated by people will be defined by their perception and not yours.

It seems to me that perception is what defines romance too.  I've had boyfriends, girlfriends, been married, and been alone.  I adopted the name of a girl I loved who was the first person to recognized that I wasn't actually a guy and that as such was not what she hoped for in a relationship.  It about killed me at the time, but even years later I admire her and her understanding of what she needed and who I, at the core, was.

I'm guessing you are pretty young.  Looking feminine is to express that as a big part of who you are.  If you want to pass as a girl, watch other girls, how they speak, how they move.  It is different from guys, it is gentler and a little quieter.  You'll be fine, I mean if I can pass, anybody can. 

I am as old as Tessa, and she is right about the old gender socializations and the reality of dealing with people who are not very enlightened.  From my friends in OZ, it is a pretty egalitarian and easy going place, but even in Australia there is intolerance.  If you expect it, it loses some of it's power.  Find champions and seek friends and lovers who you don't have to hide from.  It gets easier, I got beat up most every day growing up, but that is less common now.  Society and societal norms have changed.  You are in the dance, there are partners all around and you are beautiful exactly as you are.  Try to remember that, and give your mum a hug too.   

Peace,
Julie

Funny enough two of my friends and my co worker told me the same thing. They said "you are you, nothing else". Romance is much too difficult for me to handle, especially at this time and with 0 experience. People that know me very well are even extra protective over me because of it.

I am 21 years old. I've been acting pretty feminine since I was a kid really. My co workers often mistake me as a homosexual because apparently my touches are soft and my voice naturally sounds really high, so people mistake my voice on the phone as a 13-16 year old boy or a girl. With enough effort I can even make my voice sound like a woman's. The first person to ever figure out that I wanted to be a girl was my 60 year old friend. When I asked what gave it away, she said, "Your movements is like a girl, and you often act like a girl, so that's why I asked".

I'm actually not acting or trying - it's how I am naturally. It's why my mum believes I may have a hormonal problem. Though I did suppress a lot of it because of my father (whom left my life when I was 13, thank god!!!) my friend figured me out when I was 17 (I had only met her that year, we are like best friends now).

Yesterday I confessed to two co workers about my situation and they were surprisingly on board and really supportive. I could tell it wasn't the fake kind of support as well, because they still treated me as a human and speak to me about the same in and outside of work. So, I think I do agree with you that it does get easier - it's been hard for me because of where I grew up. I lost all of my friends except for my 60 year old friend (she's a foreigner if that helps?) everyone else just betrayed me, blocked me, deleted me, or even threatened me in real life. So, I'm kind of glad that this small town I am in is surprisingly more accepting.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk