i ask myself constantly why i can't just live as a girl. i have all my life, so i don't know why it's becoming increasingly difficult to hear "she" and my given name. part of me is thinking i'm just trying to be special, unique, interesting, something, and that i can't really be trans... but the other part of me is filled with painful dysphoria and dissociation. it's all getting to be too much. i'm afraid this is a phase, i'm afraid nobody would take me seriously if i came out, i'm afraid of starting testosterone - even though that's still far in the future for me - because i keep wondering if i'll regret it. i know i won't, realistically, but i've been told i'm a girl my whole life and it'd be easier to just give up and deal with being seen as female than deal with the stress of coming out, transitioning, and facing transphobia from my family. and, despite knowing of my trans-ness for about a year or so now, i can't stop worrying that i'm faking this. honestly my own thoughts are slowly killing me and i wish i could either let this pass if it is a phase and go back to living as a cis girl, or come out and start my transition. i'm living in the awkward middle, where i know something isn't right but i can't tell anyone about it.

right now, it feels like my chest is caving in on me. i want to just crawl out of my skin and escape, but i can't and living my daily life is starting to seem more and more like a neverending nightmare. and as of lately, the dysphoria won't go away. every time i hear "she", i feel so wrong. whenever i look at my chest, i feel myself filling up with anxiety and sometimes it gets so bad that i can't do anything but lay in bed. objectively, i'm not horribly ugly. but this body just... isn't right. i feel like i'm looking at an entirely different person when i see my body. it doesn't feel like mine, it doesn't look the way my body should.

what do you do when your dysphoria won't go away but you're simultaneously trying to force yourself into cis-ness?

Hi,

Not sure if this helps but I have posted it before for the girls going through similar thoughts.

The first time I went to a therapist I asked him if there was anyway that he could make me be a man. My life would be so much easier if I just fitted into society with the body I have (had).

He looked at me rather sadly and just said, I can make your body fit your brain, but I can't make your brain fit your body.

So I started AA and E. My body now matches my brain and I am very happy; finally.

It is the same for the men as it is for the women, we don't have much choice.

I didn't choose to be trans*, and neither did you. But we are. I wish to the goddess that wasn't true, but it is.

Hugs

thank you cindy, that really did help.
*hugs*

I am exactly where you are right now.  There are times where I feel ok, then times where I get sudden crushing waves of dysphoria and I can't breathe.  And I just feel trapped and hopeless because even if I were to transition, I'll never be who/what I really want to be.  It won't be like I was born male.  I would just be "messing up" the only body I DO have. 

So I understand your feelings completely....that said...to me dysphoria seems like snow fall.  It comes down silently.  Slowly.  Its not an avalanche.  Its just a slow build.  Until one day you wake up and you can't open the door anymore.  You've been living with the slow snowfall.  And now you're looking at your blocked door and panicking.  You know you have to do something, but its terrifying.

I wish I had some insight or advise for you.  But all I can say is recognize that you were never just happily living with it.  It's always been piling up on you.  That may feel over whelming, but it also helps to remember that these waves of panic and depression aren't new.  It's just come to a head now.  You can handle it.  You just have to be patient with yourself.  And if you do decide to grab a shovel and come out the other side and leave your house for good, that will also be a slow process that requires self love and patience.

Quote from: JackBNimbul on January 26, 2015, 03:58:04 AM
I am exactly where you are right now.  There are times where I feel ok, then times where I get sudden crushing waves of dysphoria and I can't breathe.  And I just feel trapped and hopeless because even if I were to transition, I'll never be who/what I really want to be.  It won't be like I was born male.  I would just be "messing up" the only body I DO have. 

So I understand your feelings completely....that said...to me dysphoria seems like snow fall.  It comes down silently.  Slowly.  Its not an avalanche.  Its just a slow build.  Until one day you wake up and you can't open the door anymore.  You've been living with the slow snowfall.  And now you're looking at your blocked door and panicking.  You know you have to do something, but its terrifying.

I wish I had some insight or advise for you.  But all I can say is recognize that you were never just happily living with it.  It's always been piling up on you.  That may feel over whelming, but it also helps to remember that these waves of panic and depression aren't new.  It's just come to a head now.  You can handle it.  You just have to be patient with yourself.  And if you do decide to grab a shovel and come out the other side and leave your house for good, that will also be a slow process that requires self love and patience.

thank you so much!

also, I have to say, you truly do have a way with words.