Just a bit of background info, cause this is probably why I'm freaking out so bad about this: I have horrible anxiety, so yeah.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking, which I probably shouldn't do, and I'm not sure I want to transition anymore. I have thought about it before and I really really wanted to. It was killing me how much I wanted to, but I'm having second thoughts.
I haven't started T yet, or gone to a gender therapist, but I have an appointment in February. I know that I can sort all this out with her when I see her, but this is really stressing me out. Sometimes I just don't feel like a guy. And I know that most trans men don't feel like a guy 100% of the time, but I'm not even sure I always want to be seen as a man for the rest of my life.
I feel like that might just be out of fear and/or anxiety, because going on T will pretty much completely change my life. I'm not used to being seen as a man. I'm only out to one person and kind-of out to my mom (she doesn't really understand this at all. she's acting like i never told her anything).

I i think i should try to see how I feel being seen as a man by telling my friends and family that I'm questioning my gender, which I am, and ask them to call me by male pronouns. To see how I feel about it. I'm just so scared to tell people.
I'm pretty sure I'm a guy, but I just wish I didn't have to have this pressure of if i should transition or not. I don't want to regret it later in life and have no way of going back. I don't know If i want to be seen as a man, but I do know that I don't want to be seen as a woman. I don't see myself that way. So why am i conflicted about wanting to go on T? I want to be seen as a man, but at the same time I don't..

What's going on with me??

These fears can be handled in the therapist setting.

Transition is a marathon and not a sprint race

Relax, slowdown and breathe.

Quote from: skylarNY on January 25, 2015, 09:45:45 PM
Just a bit of background info, cause this is probably why I'm freaking out so bad about this: I have horrible anxiety, so yeah.

I'm pretty sure I'm a guy, but I just wish I didn't have to have this pressure of if i should transition or not. I don't want to regret it later in life and have no way of going back. I don't know If i want to be seen as a man, but I do know that I don't want to be seen as a woman. I don't see myself that way. So why am i conflicted about wanting to go on T? I want to be seen as a man, but at the same time I don't..

Dude, that's exactly how I felt.  I know it's a rough point to be at, and I think it's pretty normal to be having those thoughts and fears. 

I met a transgender woman early in my transition and she told me, "There are a lot of things in life we can't control, but your transition is one thing you do have complete control over.  So go at your own speed."  That really helped me a lot and maybe it'll help you.

When I started testosterone, things kind of came together gradually and I could tell I was feeling the way I should.  So a lot of my fears dropped by the wayside.  It's probably a good idea to at least try testosterone and see if you like it. 
Keep in mind that you don't have to do shots, there's a cream you can use that causes more gradual changes.  And you can also stop testosterone whenever you want if you decide it doesn't feel right!

I remember a year ago, being called by male pronouns or being called "sir" was good but a bit strange, like it was a suit that was too big for me.  But nowadays it feels much more comfortable.  You ease into things slowly.

Also, there's plenty of other gender identities beyond male and female.  You could be genderqueer, gender variant, two-spirit or anything else!  It doesn't have to be one or the other.  Good luck with your therapist and try to take a deep breath every now and then and take the pressure off yourself.

Hey man, I pretty much feel the same way. I hear that having doubts is a pretty normal (and healthy?) response, but it does worry me that I'm not 100% sure. But I feel like just giving it time will help make things clearer. I'm in therapy and my gender therapist doesn't seem to be concerned by me not being entirely sure. For me its less of an I'm not sure I wanna transition, but an am I really sure I'm trans.

What I've been doing is basically slowly "come out" to various people, I've told my parents too, my closest friends and a bunch of not so close friends, and I'm basically studying my own reactions as well as how others take the news (because they probably notice more of me than I do). This kinda puts me in a weird spot though, cause now a bunch of people know (I'll most likely phrase it as "I think I'm trans"), and I'm still not sure. More importantly though, I think the nonbinary space is a pretty safe place to just play around with, because like you said I don't feel female, and I don't exactly feel "male" most of the time, but I'll say I know I'm not nonbinary because, well, I'm much more a guy than a girl so it doesn't make sense. But for the time being, I use gender neutral (them/they) pronouns with whoever cares to ask and I'm probably gonna start trying out male pronouns soon. I feel more like a guy now than I did several weeks ago.. I think it just takes time. Lots of social conditioning to get yourself out of.