I came out as ftm to my parents nearly a month ago. I thought they would be understanding and accepting, but even though they don't exactly hate me being transgender, I don't feel like I get the support I need to. They act like they don't know. They act like it was just something I had to get off of my chest and then everything would go back to normal again. I never expected them to call me he/him and their son right away, but yeah... I don't really know what I expected, but somehow I feel disappointed. At least I hoped it would be easier for me to be open towards them, but it's definitely not. Every time I try to talk about something trans related, I feel this block. I feel exactly the same way I did all the times I tried to come out. It's like I have to come out all over again. And it's extremely hard. Days go by before I to get together and tell them whatever I wanted to tell.
I'm going to start studying in a week. I have been out of school for 7 months, and I have literally been doing nothing. I haven't applied for that many jobs, since I had to apply as a female and with my birth name, and I didn't get any of the jobs I applied for. The fact that I have to have a "normal" every day life again scares me a bit, because in some ways, I don't think I'm ready to go back to school yet. Also the fact that I'm planning to start as a boy kinda scares me. I'll introduce myself as Albert, and that's the first time I'm doing that. Since I just recently started coming out, I don't even know if it'll be weird and awkward for me since people are going to refer to me as a boy, which I - like I said - haven't really tried before. Only online, but that are two very different things in my opinion. I mean - I like when people call me by male pronouns, but it's just not something I'm used to.
The thing that really bothers me is that I applied for the school with my birth name, since I haven't changed it legally. Therefore I have to call the school and explain that I'm transgender and don't go by my birth name anymore and all that, and then I hope they'll change my name in their system. I'm just scared that they won't since my legal name isn't Albert. And because of my parents' "lack" of support, I don't really feel like changing my name legally yet, even though I'm 19 and I don't need my parents approval of anything.
The school recently sent me and my upcoming fellow students an email with a list of the names of all the students... and of course my birth name was there. I don't really think any of them has noticed especially MY name, but I'm still scared that they'll ask why it said my birth name when I didn't introduce myself as that. And then I have to explain that I'm transgender and I just haven't changed my name legally, fine, maybe that's a good thing. I can't just pretend I'm cis. But what if they don't accept it? I'm just so ->-bleeped-<-ing scared of not being accepted. I'm scared of so many things, and I can barely handle it.
Well, I just had to get this out.
