If only I could just suck it up and be ok with my assigned gender...
If only I could let go of the gnawing, life sucking feeling I have every time someone calls me "lady" or "girl" or "ma'am"...
If only I knew for sure that transitioning would go smoothly and the world around will embrace me for who I am.
If only I could ignore the voice inside me screaming at all waking moments.
If only I were 20 years old figuring this all out and not approaching 40.

Today I am putting this out there and I'm sorry if I offended or hurt anyone...this is what's going on in my head right now.

Please help me. Please tell me how you survived these feelings. I am really struggling right now.

Don't apologize.  The way you're feeling is common, especially in trans community. 

The bad news, the dysphoria doesn't go away, even if you do a heck of a job suppressing and hiding it.  I thought I did.  I genuinely thought the dysphoria was gone.  But It only delayed it.

The good news?  Accepting yourself for who and what you are is the most wonderful feeling.  Nobody WANTS gender dysphoria.  It just makes life harder.  All I ever wanted was to feel "normal."  And actually accepting myself made me feel more normal. 

I am right there with you, even the same age.  Getting Sir'd is like nails on the blackboard.  I've been in therapy for 14 years trying to fix what's wrong with me without ever acknowledging my dysphoria. I finally did last year and I feel a weight has been lifted.  Not there's not going to be a slew of new problems (how it affects my wife and daughter, $ for transition, the will I pass question), but I finally feel good about myself.  I have a long way to go, but I'm looking forward to the trip.

Find yourself a good therapist, preferably one that understands gender issues, and look for a support group.  You've got a great one here, but nothing personal contact.

Good luck and hugs.  Remember, you are never alone.

I am a 50+ year member of that "If Only" club. No need to apologize. I like to say that no sane person WANTS to be trans.  So yeah, If Only.....

Life is made up of compromises with both yourself and the world. The deciding factor usually boils down to answering the simple question of "Which pain is worse?". Every decision has it's pluses and it's minuses.

If only I tried this one little not so scary thing, I may feel better
If only I tried this other little thing that may help me feel even betterer
Ect..

Which pain is worse?

Thanks for the reassurance. Sometimes I feel like Indiana Jones, trapped in a dark cave with the walls caving in...
I'm pretty sure many people can relate to that feeling. I will acknowledge that I also have moments of excitement and anticipation. When I'm in those dark places, I try to remember what's important...that being that I do have people around me who love me (at least in my cis life). It's all the "what ifs" that freak me out...naturally I guess.

You're right...I never asked to feel this way. I never asked to be born with the wrong parts. I guess I am essentially choosing to be proactive in regards to moving forward with transitioning. Also, I realize that i am fortunate to have a lot of things going for me, whereas some of my TRANS brothers and sisters aren't so lucky. It scares me how dark my thinking can be, even though I try to stay positive and be grateful for the good things I have going for me. That's why I reached out. Looking for people to relate to and hoping for ideas to "snap out of it" when I get down. It seems like those dark thoughts are coming more frequently. Thanks for responding.

I'm approaching 40 too. What helps me cope with all the negative feelings is to stay focused on the future. I don't know when I'll be starting t (or if I will even), but I know that there is this way out for me. It's not much, but it helps me to bide my time. I'm also very lucky to have supportive friends. They make me feel accepted. But yeah, I also have moments where all of this doesn't really help.

Have you considered going to a trans* support group? I find it helps me to be with people who "get it". I don't have to explain what I'm experiencing because they know.

Quote from: Elvis the Pelvis on January 27, 2015, 10:42:47 AM
Please help me. Please tell me how you survived these feelings. I am really struggling right now.

You might not like the answer.

I transitioned to live as a woman. The feelings went away, replaced by an amazing sense of being my authentic self. Even having a plan and a timetable helped.

Hugs Elvis, and good luck. Gender dysphoria is a difficult feeling. That's why we end up being some of the strongest people in the world.

Thanks suzifrommd. I understand that either road is a tough one. Today I was out with a few of my coworkers/friends for breakfast. I wanted so badly to tell them what I've been going through, but I chickened out. I know that eventually I will tell my friends/coworkers even if I go to another department in my field. I guess maybe "chickened out" is not the right thing to say...maybe more like I chose not to disclose what I'm going through because I need a plan in place going forward. As much as I want to get things rolling, I have to slow it down...I don't think I'll ever have the chance to plan this again, so I need to move slowly and cautiously.

So some good news to share! The trans clinic in my area called and they said I should expect to hear from them in the next few months! There, I will see see a doctor and psychiatrist. At least I have that to look forward to 
Also, I got sir'd today! Heheheh! Things are looking up!