Most of my life, I have felt like I was walking around as an observant rather than a participant. I have been able to fake a happy, outgoing persona but I notice that I rarely ever actually feel much of anything at all.

For a silly, small example:
Me: *sees a cute dog* Omg, he's so cute! I love him so much!

Now in my mind, yes, I think the dog is cute, but I'm not actually feeling the enthusiasm that I'm presenting.

It's like this with almost everything, and I've been wondering if it's connected to being trans. My therapy is starting next month finally, but I'm just curious if any of you folks experienced this pre-transition and if transition made it better.

Quote from: CandyCaneTie on January 28, 2015, 07:08:04 PM
I'm just curious if any of you folks experienced this pre-transition and if transition made it better.

I've become a lot more outgoing now that I'm comfortable with my gender.

For me, I had a very apathetic approach to life before I transitioned, and I didn't even realize it.  I was really bad at pretending to be otherwise; my family actually thought I was autistic (still do, sadly).  When you can't handle your dysphoria, sometimes the easiest solution is to block out everything.  It's the best way to stay alive...

I totally numbed myself to the world.  It's a method for dealing with the dysphoria.

Yeah, when I think about it, it feels like I've spent my life up to this point just going with the flow, an observer rather than a participant. I play too much of a passive role in my life, and every thing I try to actively do is me trying to force myself to do something useful. At least that's how I view the way I've bern leading my life. Been numb for years, I've had classmates say that it's virtually impossible to offend me. I'm way too socially awkward, get sorta anxious in crowded places, and tend to avoid eye contact when talking to someone, so I guess I've always wondered whether I'm slightly autistic (mentioning this because I find it interesting that androgynouspainter mentioned it). Also I find myself pretty apathetic that it sometimes scares me (and has made me wonder whether I'm a psychopath), while other times I care a lot. Mostly apathetic though.

The minute I started presenting more like the way I want to (still not completely there yet) and just being more relaxed regarding the way I carry myself, I've noticed a rise in confidence and am more outgoing now. It's kinda crazy how big of a difference small things that seem trivial at first make.

Quote from: CandyCaneTie on January 28, 2015, 07:08:04 PM
Most of my life, I have felt like I was walking around as an observant rather than a participant. I have been able to fake a happy, outgoing persona but I notice that I rarely ever actually feel much of anything at all.

For a silly, small example:
Me: *sees a cute dog* Omg, he's so cute! I love him so much!

Now in my mind, yes, I think the dog is cute, but I'm not actually feeling the enthusiasm that I'm presenting.

It's like this with almost everything, and I've been wondering if it's connected to being trans. My therapy is starting next month finally, but I'm just curious if any of you folks experienced this pre-transition and if transition made it better.

May you react that way because thats how you think your supposed to react when you set something cute. But you as a person just sees somthing cute and reacts indifferently. there is no right way to respond to cuteness.

It could be the result of conforming your behavior to percieved exspectations. But thats an un-educated guess on my part.

Interesting that you should bring this up.  I've never really thought about it in terms of how it relates to being trans, but yes, throughout my life I have wondered if I might be mildly (and non-violently) sociopathic.  I'm quiet, aloof, can be hard to connect with.  This detachment has had a huge impact on relationships in my life, as in who I'm attracted to, who's attracted to me, and the quality of relationships.

Sixteen years post-transition, I can tell you that I have become more emotionally engaged, but only to a point.  I'm still very aloof and guarded, especially around people who don't know that I'm a trans woman (which is most people in my life.)  From years of involvement in Al-Anon, I have learned to embrace this aspect of who I am in terms of "detach with love" (a 12 step concept.)  I don't worry about it, and I don't judge myself for it, but rather I have learned to accept it as a rare virtue.

That being said, I have learned to express crazy love without restraint with my dog (he really is cute!)  And I have discovered that sexuality that involves some extreme aspects of BDSM completely short circuits my emotional disconnection and allows me to "let it all hang out" so to speak.

Thank you for bringing this up.  I feel excited to discuss this with my spouse and to explore it further for my own joyous expansion... very exciting!

Peace!
Miharu

It sounds like depression.
That wouldn't be surprising when you're pre-transition, and I imagine that it would possibly ebb away as you start to transition and feel more comfortable with yourself.

I'm with Ara. Sounds like my experience when I've had depression. Which can be a part of dealing with coming to terms with being trans. Or not.

Or could be something else. I think it's a great topic to bring up with your therapist.

Thanks for the replies, folks. DEFINITELY something I'm going to bring up with my therapist when I start.

Something else to add, but it's hard to describe: though I feel like I walk through life pretty much emotionally numbed, I feel like there are two distinct modes in my mind, one female and one male. The female side is what I consider my "default", because that's obviously how I was raised, but it's also the one that I consider emotionless, secretly unhappy, etc, despite the fact that she acts to the outside world as happy and outgoing and all that. Then there is a male mode, and I feel like I can turn on this switch to get to him, and as soon as I do that, I actually start feeling emotions and feeling engaged with the world and such.

But I can't keep that mode on without conscious effort, and it's almost like if I was in that mode all the time, it would be such a culture shock because I'd actually be feeling things all the time. It'd be a big change from feeling nothing all the time, though of course I know it's preferable.

Pretty much the same.

I look at it as I could not allow myself to have feelings. Guys don't have feelings, besides anger and..... anger? Besides, exposing feelings leave you vulnerable, open. A chink in my Armour. Perhaps big enough for someone to just maybe.... see just what is going on inside my head. That I really am a girl trying to act like a guy.

So you bury feelings away. Which is real easy compared to the other crap you've been burying.

But, once you actually allow yourself to have some feelings about being trans, that seems to allow you to actually have feelings! And now that dizzying emotional spiral begins. Having feelings leads to actually feeling alive. Yet, on balance Shame keeps telling you This is not Right. But it feels so much better. You begin accepting being trans a little more and guess what? Even more feelings!

Been there, Done that. What a Ride! 

I got better at acting like a fully-engaged human after I took major steps in my transition. I don't know how much of it was alleviating depression and how much was just that I was bad at being a girl or what other details were complicating it.

I have had more of a blunting of emotions since I started testosterone/not feeling emotions as intently.  I have heard this same thing from other FTMs.  Not all, though.  Many prefer this to the intensity of emotions they felt when they only had estrogen in their body, but not all are happy about it (I feel mixed...I like that I am less anxious, but miss intense happy feelings).

I have consistently heard trans women who are on estrogen/t-blockers feel their emotions more intensely than prior to HRT.  I have also only heard positive feelings about it.

Until I took T, I didn't know how much hormones effected our emotional blunting/lack of.  I had always liked to think that difference between the sexes in regards to how emotions were felt was all about socialization, but since being on T I tend to go in the opposite direction now.

However, I do concur that the type of numbing you present could just be a symptom of depression.

My male persona was quite, aloof, cynical and generally restrained. Being able to live as my identified gender has allowed me to be more friendly, outgoing and caring.