I know I've pretty much only posted about this but it really is a big thing for me. Any tips for how to deal with doubting that you are really transgender, or anything that helped you affirm yourself before or even while you were seeing a gender therapist? I can't see one currently so these boards are the best I have...

Huh, You know, if You are not really transgender then You would not have those feelings which You are now trying to doubt . Cisgender people do not doubt their inner gender or wonder if they might actually be someone else. Besides, the mere fact that You are still doubting kinda leans towards You feeling that You dont want to be transgender - which is perfectly normal too... Nobody wants to be transgender, including (and foremost) transgender people themselves.

Aaaand.. those doubts are actually not going to disappear entirely for quite a long time - they will keep popping up here and there, especially during the first months of transition. Those "OMG! Wtf I am doing??? Maybe I could try and revert back?" - they will come and go - do not expect them to disappear entirely as soon as You will pop Your first estrogen pill. Nope. Just be prepared and warned that they will come, that transition does not start with HRT but rather with self-acceptance - and it is quite an Emotional Roller Coaster (and I mean it with capital letters). But... You just get used to that with time and know how to deal with it. It ain't gonna be easy, but we are here to answer Your questions and provide all kind of support.

Be strong and take care

For me ... it's been all about the before and after of how I feel.

I do occasionally have moments of 'what am I doing?' I think thats totally normal for the dramatic thing we are doing.

But when I do get that way I remind myself of how I *felt* before ... and then the doubt is erased.
---

1. Think about how you felt before/feel now
2. Think about how you feel after/would feel after

Maybe it will help produce an answer :~)

I never had doubt, although I did not know it was to be called "transgender" all those years ago.

However I do still doubt (mainly due to the SO's I would have and will turn their lives upside down), hence why I still have not come out to them and gone FT... This is the year for the first and targeting the second this year too.

The doubts usually have pushed me into denial, then what goes around comes around again, stronger each time.

No never had doubts!

L Katy 

I was plagued by doubt for years. One day I got kinda drunk and I was pretty depressed about all this. So I wrote a chronological history of my trans feelings. After writing and then reading that it really helped me realise that this was a long term thing and it hadn't gone anywhere like I had hoped it would. It really was the #1 thing that helped me come to terms with myself. Even then though the doubt will not stop and I am quite far into transition now, and happier than ever. Yet I sometimes still doubt taking the next step.

I appreciate the replies ^^

I actually did make a little list of things I can attribute to being transgender when I was thinking about what to put in my intro, and to be honest, for a while, that did help me. I felt like I could actually be okay with accepting this and doing something about it. But as time goes on those doubts, those...what if's start hitting me and it really gets me down. I suppose my biggest doubt is that I'll never actually be able to feel like I'm 100% woman, that when I look in the mirror...or hear myself....or I'm around other women or people in general, that born male will be there and not the female I want...

In my case, gender issues were dormant for many years. They went into hiding as puberty hit.

So, the person I am now still has many facets of the old me. They are the authentic parts that I took with me.

These sides of my personality are also very practical and ask very hard questions.

So, after yet more self-investigation, I came to conclude that of course I am not 100% female. I am *mostly*, that is *who* I am. But 100%? I can't claim that.

That's led me to identify - at least temporarily - as androgynous. I think its very likely I will identify 90, 95, 98% female as I transition further.

But for now, *peace*. Love and accept who I am, whatever that may be.

I doubted and second-guessed myself all the time. I dealt with it, eventually, by deciding that I would take certain steps (like ear piercing) and see how I felt about it, and if I wanted to try something else. If a given choice made me happier, that was enough to "justify" it, even if I wasn't really trans. After all, cis people don't have to prove they deserve to live the way they want to...

Of course, after a time, it became obvious that I wanted to publicly/socially transition, which meant if I wasn't trans I was doing a convincing imitation of it inside my own head. But there's a lot of stuff you can do, or try, that isn't permanent.

If it helps, years post-transition I now feel about 95% female... which is about accurate for the cis women I've talked to about these things, too.

Quote from: JynxRosalie on January 29, 2015, 05:37:33 AM
I know I've pretty much only posted about this but it really is a big thing for me. Any tips for how to deal with doubting that you are really transgender, or anything that helped you affirm yourself before or even while you were seeing a gender therapist? I can't see one currently so these boards are the best I have...

What helped me was to go out as a female and interact social with the world as Suzi. I joined an all female reading group and a divorced/separated support group. My doubts melted away pretty quickly. In fact after a few weeks of that, I knew I HAD to transition.

Does this help?

In a way yes. Going out and presenting myself as a woman currently is out of the question. However, I do present myself as a girl online (I even voice chat and apparently my natural voice is passable as a girl). I've been doing this for 3 years and it's honestly what brought me into the stage of wanting to transition. I can't imagine ever presenting myself as a guy online ever again, and I honestly hate being treated like a guy in real life. I don't get along with them even, and have a very hard time relating to them. These things make me want to just say, "Yes, I'm a transgender woman" but at the same time my mind is saying things like "You've lived as a guy for this long with no problems, why is it suddenly an issue now?" and such. But yes, the time Ive spent as a girl on the internet has just been lovely and I still do it.

Quote from: JynxRosalie on January 29, 2015, 07:52:44 AM
These things make me want to just say, "Yes, I'm a transgender woman" but at the same time my mind is saying things like "You've lived as a guy for this long with no problems, why is it suddenly an issue now?"

My friend Jessica calls it the "transgender bell". Something that goes off in our heads that tells us it's time to finally be ourselves.

Mine went off at age 50. I was happily living as a man before that. Despite the fact that my transition shattered my marriage, I'm still glad I did it. That's how right it feels for me.

You're talking about spending a whole lot of money to experience a whole lot of pain, all the while experiencing emotional distress and watching relationships go wobbly with professional turmoil as a probable bonus.  Being very worried about that just means you're paying attention.  Nobody does this because we want to, everybody does it because we have to.  What you have to do, you will.     

Quote from: Colleen M on January 29, 2015, 09:08:22 AM
Nobody does this because we want to, everybody does it because we have to. 

This may be true for you Colleen, and for a lot of people, but does it really apply to everybody?

I'd say I definitely didn't have to transition. I wanted to, and I believed (rightly) that the benefits would outweigh the risks.

Quote from: suzifrommd on January 29, 2015, 09:16:15 AM
This may be true for you Colleen, and for a lot of people, but does it really apply to everybody?

I'd say I definitely didn't have to transition. I wanted to, and I believed (rightly) that the benefits would outweigh the risks.

Please accept my apologies if I over-generalized, as it certainly appears I did. 

(I too didn't have to, although I might have gotten to that point. I wanted to, and believed it would make me happier, and it did.  Admittedly, I wanted to a LOT. This isn't to dogpile on Colleen after her gracious apology, just more data in case it helps the OP. )

This website should help you:

http://amitransgender.com/

All kidding aside, caution is a good thing. I often pull back and ask myself, "do I REALLY want to do this?" Then I remember how bad dysphoria was, what a complete mess I was and why I am doing this. Usually puts me straight back on track.

The other problem I have is frustration with not moving 100 miles an hour with this. I am unfortunately not patient in many regards. But I have no choice really and it's kind of comforting that it is fairly common with cis girls to be frustrated with their normal rates of development. So going through 2nd puberty is going to be slow... well it'll be worth it, and I am developing fast anyway.

I also consider who I'm affecting with this. My mom is fully on board with me and communicates with me a lot about my trans issues and embraces me as her daughter (like I would never have imagined), my wife is not really on board but she's going along with it. Suffice to say a lot of relationships have changed. I have guy friends treating me differently now, I'm no longer "one of the boys" and I feel distance growing. A couple of them understand and are sympathetic. I kind of don't know how it will play out but I might go back to finding girl friends like I did when I was a young adult. The kids love me but they ask questions a lot - why do I wear dresses, are you a girl like mommy daddy, but they say "I always love you daddy." Work is no issue whatsoever. NYC laws are strong with regard to non discrimination and my employer is strong on non discrimination. Even the CTO (my boss's boss) and my boss (a VP) have pledged full support. So what am I worried about? I still worry.

I worry about my health but thankfully I have my conditions well managed with medication and lifestyle changes. I was a sick mess before I started taking better care of myself because I wanted to transition. I have been getting healthier every day since I started to prepare for transition. Even before I started HRT people commented how young and energetic I was looking, how I lost weight and generally was better looking. Yes, being your authentic self can inject new life into you. But I still worry. I don't want to die at 53 like my grandmother who had massively uncontrolled diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pressure yet drank sodas every day 2x-3x/day, ate food loaded with sodium, oil, fat and carbs and did not exercise.

So yeah, there is doubt. But you can use it as a diagnostic tool and also figure out how to overcome it. Think of it as a throttle because  (to use a cliché), without you checking yourself you're apt to wreck yourself.

That website made me laugh 

Actually, I had never seen my doubt as a tool to help me pace myself and move forward with caution. Thinking about it that way, while it doesn't make the doubt disappear obviously, does make me feel like my mind just wants me to be careful, and that's a good thing. I noticed, as well, when I started trying to lose weight for future transition, I'm actually able to stick with it now and I've never been able to do that before.

I think the "transgender bell" idea actually makes a lot of sense. In a way, it does seem to have just clicked into place. As a child I constantly wondered why I wasn't born a girl but now it's one of the only things I can think about.

Thank you all for sharing. I feel like this might help me at least manage my doubt better.

this  common  question  was  asked  by  me  years  ago. 
  the  best  answer  is  give  it  time, AND   a  really  good  counsler,  Then  you  should  arrive  at  the  conclusion  yourself,  without  anyone  proding  you  forward,  or  trying  to  hold  you  back.
  most  relate  to  "Their"  experiances  and "Their" Feelings. 
 
YOU  are  not  them. 

Understanding  gender,  and  dysphoria,  first  you  have  to  put  it  into  perspective. 
  First,  gender  identity  and  sexual  identity  are  two  seperate  and  different  things.
also  the intensity  of  those  feelings  and  preception can  vary  from  mild  to  extreme. 
  these  two  examples  put  both  streight  and  gay,  and  everything  else  in  the  compass,  into  the  simular  arena  with  male  and  female,  again  with  every  variation  of  indentity  on  the  compass.    @  360 X  360.   
  A  compass  used  for  navagation,  does  not  just  have North,  south  , east  and  west.  there  are  in  fact  360  degrees  on  a  compass,  as  a  base  measure. 
hence  terms  like  north,  north west. 
  gender  identity  is  about the  same,  you  have  male,  then  at  the  oppasite  end  is  female.  up  one  side  is  streight,  the  other  is  gay/lesbian.  and  in  between  them,  exists  every  conceivable  variartion  that  could  possiably  exist. 

some  folks  relate  as  streight,  but  dress  only  as  a 'release.  others  feel  compelled,  though  are  not dissatisfied  with  their  sex,  just  the  identity. 
others are  totaly  repulsed  by  their  sex,  and  wish  to  correct  it  to  match  their  gender.
for some  its a  fetish,  sexual  arrousal,  for  others,  it  feels  "natural" .
thats  the  tip  of  the  ice  burg. 

  Sorting  things  out,  being  absolutly  sure,  is  something  only  you, and  a  compatent  and  unbiased  counsler  can  acomplish. 
  I  would  recomend  starting  with  a  counsler  on  a  base  level.  be  sure  they  are  at  least  somewhat  versed  in  gender  identity  issues.  most  local  community  health  departments  and  mental  health  departments offer  counsling  on  a  'ability  to  pay'  basis.  @  its  cheap  or  free,  and  a  good  place  to  start. 
  if  you  decide  to  move  forward,  they  can  research  with  you,  and  find  a  counsler  that  has  a  PHD  in  gender  issues,  and  there  fore  has  a better  understanding,  and  can  be  there,  should  you  choose,  through  HRT,  and  SRS / GRS,  and  beyond. 

Bottom  line,  seeking  professiponal  help  in  figuring  this  out  is  the  only  smart  move.

past  that,  everyone  has  an  opinion,  but  they  might  not offering  be  the  right  opinion  for  you. 

Sure, if you need professional help. Not everyone needs it.