Sorry you all, but this will be a rather long read. I'll try to make my writing tolerable, but I am not the best.


I have posted here before, but not much, but since then I have been doing a lot of reading and research on trans issues. All this has done is confuse me, and I've come here to seek help. I will be as "real" as possible, and I really ask you all to extend me the same favor in your answers. I feel I can't get help in the outside world, so please do your best for me. I really appreciate it.

I don't know if I have real deal GID or just some fetish for transgender people. What I do have according to my doctors is bi-polar disorder (been formally dx'd) and I wonder if my desire to do what I feel is aligning my body with my mind is much like my desire to do other grandiose things like become become a research biologist which is not practical for me. So I write to you understanding full well that most are not trained therapists or doctors, but just folks who have lived this life and could give me some insight. In other words, you all, just armchair analyze me.

I am on state "welfare" insurance and my options are very limited as to what kind of therapists and doctors I can see. Taking what I can get, I have told these folks in truth that since childhood I have worn my sisters clothes, have identified more with women, have put scotch tape on my fingers to simulate the long nails of my sisters (I do this today), and have desired to be like the women I've seen on TV - all that in addition to other such behavior. I have told them that I have  hated my penis and wish it would go away and that I have never much liked having sex with women in the traditional way a man has sex with a woman. Whenever I have been with a woman, I've wanted it over as fast as possible and viewed it almost as a chore.  I have never been able to maintain an erection too well. I am bi-sexual, and with both men and women, I hate being "top" or sexually aggressive in any way. To be blunt, penetrating someone is and always has been very uncomfortable for me. I used to be married and my wife had to force sex out of me, sometimes almost begging me for it. It was a large factor that cost me my marriage.

Despite all that I have some very stereotypical boyish traits like my [so ugly] tattoos of skulls and junk, I tried being in the USMC (and failed boot camp, lol), and I can sometimes have anger issues, eat rare meat like steaks and can be ultra competitive. For a time my feminine desires were non-existent and I just was what I was. This period was for about 10 years while I was married.  For some time during my marriage I desired very masculine traits, like I tried working out to get "ripped" (and failed) and I wanted a full beard and bigger penis and I hoped to go to the French Foreign Legion. Still it felt as if I was hiding something.

As an adult, I would dress up in secret, and often times I would wear women's clothing under my man's clothing. I didn't do it for sexual arousal, but just because I felt "cute" and it felt as if it calmed me down. It just felt comfortable. It was hardly ever anything "sexy" just plain white panties and maybe a cami.

To help you with my question of whether I am really GID or just have a trans fetish, I will tell you that sometimes when I watch porn it will be trans porn. When I watch trans porn I am looking at their bodies and wondering if mine could ever be like that - I am looking at it for a sort of inspiration.  Usually, however, I prefer regular, vanilla man on gg porn. While watching this porn I am excited when I imagine myself as the woman not the man. What I just wrote was very hard to admit, so please be easy on me.

Am I just a really feminine gay guy? Is this all just bi-polar acting up?

See why I am confused?! Docs are not helping because day by day I grow more confused.

Now this is where I may offend some, and I apologize but know there is no hostility or trolling in my heart: I don't want to be a transgender person, I just want to be accepted for what I feel  has been suppressed in me for so long and what I should have been from the womb, a natural woman. When I look in the mirror that's not what I see, when I go out that is not what I am referred to as, when I talk on the phone they call me sir. I don't want to be a transgender person because I see it as just another page in the DSM, and I don't want another sickness or abnormality. Although much has improved this society with respect to transgender issues, unfortunately society looks at trans people as abominations, weird, fake and I don't want that. I "came out" to my sister and dad and they were fine with it all, somewhat shocked, but they said they still loved me. My father, however, later told me that the life of a transgender person is "lonely, tough and sad." That kinda hurt because, honestly, I believe him. 

I am a 6' tall person, rather masculine facial features, slim build, with a body that looks like a 2x4 (a so-called Ectomorph)- and as such I could pass with about as much ease as I could pass for a cat. I would not feel safe or comfortable going full time knowing that people see me as trans. It has nothing to do with beauty per se, but more with the fact I would just look like a guy with makeup and a wig. To be absolutely clear here, I don't care if I was seen as a very ugly woman so long as I was seen as a woman. I would rather be an ugly woman than a handsome man, see? What I take issue with is not being passable, because that scares me, and I don't have the strength of many transgender people who simply don't care.

I am in my 30s and have learned that hrt will not have a strong effect on me do to my old age. Even still, I feel any changes to my body will be more or less superficial, by that I mean I'll never have ovaries or a uterus - I'll never menstruate and my skeleton will be that of a man. So even if I really did have GID I feel as if I will only be a quasi-woman. Please for the love of god don't take offense to that.

I fear, that if I am indeed a transgender person, that I will never find love, that I will never have a good job, that I will always have to defend being trans. I don't want to go to rallys, be an activist, or anything like that. I don't want to move somewhere and be hated by my community.

I understand that there aren't many doctors here, but I ask that you do understand that I generally respect people's intellect and reading around on these boards I know there are some very insightful and thoughtful people here. Again I say I mean no offense to anyone and if I did that I really do apologize. With respect to my gender issues, on whatever level they may be, I feel like I am being largely ignored by family and my doctors and wonder if that's because they are like "Oh, you don't really have gender issues, Mr Bi-polar" or if it's because of the reality that many transgender people are pushed aside or ignored in this world and I am subject to that. I also apologize if some of this was TMI or offensive to anyone in any other way. 

Hey Petti,  That is a lot on your plate but familiar territory for many of us and none of it offensive IMO.  I knew and was part of the LGBTQ world all my life but rejected the idea i was transgender.  I had many of the same responses you mention such as masculine behavior or 'traits' but that is behavior not identity.  Biology is not destiny here   I didn't want to be transgender either and hid the evidence and truth for a long time.  There are plenty of transgender people who do not like that label and have goals of just living and being the man or woman they identify as.  Your fears are repeatedly shared by others as we worry about finding acceptance, love and a job.  Passing is a huge deal for many people and I know straight, cisgender people who get misgendered too.  comorbidity or having more than one psychological challenge is also true for many people who suffer with depression or autism or you name it.  So yes sorting it out is hard.  But from what i know, if you are trans then the persistence of that desire to be yourself and dysphoria will keep bringing trans ideas to your attention.  It get's progressive enough for many of us that we simply have to act on it.  Old age and fear about how much impact HRT will have?  I am twice your age and living the dream i once thought impossible. 

Keep searching and sharing your ideas.  The answers may not come in capital letters but it is a journey you already seem to be on.   Many of us find goals elusive and changing along the way.  one of the first things i learned here was YMMV=your mileage may vary   Welcome aboard

hi Petti,

30 is not old by any stretch. It's not 12 or 14 but it's not old.

Petti, you don't have to label yourself in order to figure out what all this means. Everyone's experience is different.

Have you considered taking small steps to clarify how you really feel?

Small changes in your grooming and the way you dress can make a big difference in how you see yourself, and let you begin to feel what its like to begin living with a new gender identity.

I made a number of little changes to "test the waters", and as each one felt right, I took another baby step. Somewhere along the way, I realized there was no doubt in my mind, and I was ready to transition. However, I could just as easily have backed away without difficulty during those early stages.

This worked for me (took about 6 months):

* Began moisturizing day and night
* Started growing my hair out
* Got one ear pierced (no one reacted)
* Colored my hair (no one reacted)
* Started buffing my nails
* Got the other ear pierced (still no reaction)
* Started shaping my eyebrows
* Began wearing some androgynous jewelry (no reaction)
* Started wearing androgynous clothes (WTF - still no reaction!)

If something like this works for you, you could then talk with your doctor about trying low-dose HRT under medical supervision. You may find that a different mix of hormones makes the decision more clear.

Best of luck on your journey of self-discovery!

Quote from: Tessa James on January 30, 2015, 02:25:30 PM
Hey Petti,  That is a lot on your plate but familiar territory for many of us and none of it offensive IMO.  I knew and was part of the LGBTQ world all my life but rejected the idea i was transgender.  I had many of the same responses you mention such as masculine behavior or 'traits' but that is behavior not identity.  Biology is not destiny here   I didn't want to be transgender either and hid the evidence and truth for a long time.  There are plenty of transgender people who do not like that label and have goals of just living and being the man or woman they identify as.  Your fears are repeatedly shared by others as we worry about finding acceptance, love and a job.  Passing is a huge deal for many people and I know straight, cisgender people who get misgendered too.  comorbidity or having more than one psychological challenge is also true for many people who suffer with depression or autism or you name it.  So yes sorting it out is hard.  But from what i know, if you are trans then the persistence of that desire to be yourself and dysphoria will keep bringing trans ideas to your attention.  It get's progressive enough for many of us that we simply have to act on it.  Old age and fear about how much impact HRT will have?  I am twice your age and living the dream i once thought impossible. 

Keep searching and sharing your ideas.  The answers may not come in capital letters but it is a journey you already seem to be on.   Many of us find goals elusive and changing along the way.  one of the first things i learned here was YMMV=your mileage may vary   Welcome aboard

Thank You very much, Tessa. I was worried about coming to a community of transgender woman and saying... "I don't want to be part of a community of transgender women." But I am trying to be as open as possible to get whatever help I can.

The doc and therapist I am working with now are both very nice people, but I feel like they are largely ignoring the gender issues I bring up. I have told them the impact it had on my marriage, how I hate my body, how I have always preferred to associate with women not for sex but because it just was what felt right or natural - and the best advice they gave me was to go to a transsexual support group. I guess that's what I am doing here.

I wonder of they are ignoring those issues because they see it as a manifestation of my bi-polar. Then I wonder if my bi-polar is a manifestation of gender issues, something I once read is possible. Which is it, I ask myself. What a friggin' whirlwind.

About HRT and passing, a while back on these boards, I somehow mustered the courage to post pics of myself and asked how HRT would work for me and I believe I remember someone saying something about my brow being very masculine or whatever. I don't know - but one thing I tell myself when thinking about hormones is that they will change me on the inside as well. I am on 2 psych meds right now for bi-polar, and I believe that maybe if I had hormones I may not need that - but I just don't know.

I feel very overwhelmed and that's why I am here banging out essay sized posts in what feel like a last ditch effort to gain some understanding.

====

Kate, thank you for your response as well. I suppose being in my 30s is not old in the grand scheme of things, but it feels like I just have so much to do with so much time lost. I have yet to even find a "real" gender therapist, and feel like by the time I get on Hormones, if I really am GID and need them, I will be like 37 or something (I am 32 now).

GID feelings have always been there for me, it seems, but they have grown very intense over the last year or two. That seems odd for someone in their 30s, no?


====

@ Newgrrrl

Now that you mention it one thing my therapist did tell me beyond the support group recommendation was that I should do things to express my femininity. Indeed, I do shave daily and I am working on growing my hair out. Not too long ago I even made a fresh e-mail with the feminine name I prefer. My sister is probably one of the most open-minded people on this planet and she supports me in all this. She has been telling me she's gonna teach me how to do makeup, but she's been very busy lately. Plus, to be honest, I feel ugly and feel as if makeup would make me weird. But like you said, baby steps.

Unfortunately I am poor and unemployed. $5 to my name right now (no joke), and I am living in my parent's house. I really wish I could buy some better clothes, but I am working with what I got and it does help to make me feel better.

Quote from: Petti on January 30, 2015, 01:57:35 PM
Now this is where I may offend some, and I apologize but know there is no hostility or trolling in my heart: I don't want to be a transgender person, I just want to be accepted for what I feel  has been suppressed in me for so long and what I should have been from the womb, a natural woman. When I look in the mirror that's not what I see, when I go out that is not what I am referred to as, when I talk on the phone they call me sir. I don't want to be a transgender person because I see it as just another page in the DSM, and I don't want another sickness or abnormality. Although much has improved this society with respect to transgender issues, unfortunately society looks at trans people as abominations, weird, fake and I don't want that. I "came out" to my sister and dad and they were fine with it all, somewhat shocked, but they said they still loved me. My father, however, later told me that the life of a transgender person is "lonely, tough and sad." That kinda hurt because, honestly, I believe him. 

None of us wants to be transgender.. Noone.

You also have a somewhat warped view of society.. I was out last night in a very male cis centric place.. A guy called me a "->-bleeped-<-" and the looks of horror and disgust aimed at him for doing so were nice to see.. As was the fact that no one gave him any support and he was told to leave by management. As your father is not apparently trans, I wonder what makes him an expert? My life as a trans woman is not lonely or sad.. Tough? Yeah, but honestly, life is tough whether you are trans or not.

My GF, a lesbian who has never been with a man, has no issues seeing me as a woman, despite my non-op status. As do most of the other people I associate with or meet. I make no great secret of my trans status.

Thanks a ton, Kelly.


Yes, I do have a somewhat warped view on society. I'll admit that taken as a whole I often view it as violent, unwelcoming, unforgiving and just dangerous. I did some reading on the discrimination that trans people face and was disheartened, then add to that, you know, it just has to be even worse for a minority, which I am.  Just before posting this I wrote in another thread why I would be fearful to transitioning without passing and that reason is being abused and ridiculed. I deeply fear it.

It is nice hearing about what happened to the guy who mocked you last night, and I suppose things aren't as bad as I make them to be. Indeed I can be quite negative.

I am not just trying to flatter you here, but your words do help, especially when you say life is tough, trans or not. It is true I could go out there and play cisgender macho man all day long, but it's not like life will be easy - and truth be told I am lonely now, lol. So what you say makes sense.

Thank You so much for your response.

Another thing to consider.. You are far more likely to hear and read the horror stories than you are about a trans woman just getting on with her day to day life with no major issues..

Quote from: ImagineKate on January 30, 2015, 02:56:31 PM
hi Petti,

30 is not old by any stretch. It's not 12 or 14 but it's not old.

wow, I wish I would of done this at 30, I just started and I'm 63.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 30, 2015, 04:57:05 PM
wow, I wish I would of done this at 30, I just started and I'm 63.

And you know what? You're a very beautiful 63! I wouldn't have even guessed.

Quote from: ImagineKate on January 30, 2015, 04:59:51 PM
And you know what? You're a very beautiful 63! I wouldn't have even guessed.

thanks, I think I'd better keep my mouth shut

Quote from: stephaniec on January 30, 2015, 04:57:05 PM
wow, I wish I would of done this at 30, I just started and I'm 63.

A question, if you don't mind:


Did you always feel the need to transition but just put it off for whatever reason, or is it something that hit you like a ton of bricks and you decided to transition then and there? I ask because as I said earlier I've always had feelings about my gender and have done very feminine things, but lately, in my 30s, it's been getting far more intense.


I don't know if the reason for this is that bi-polar they say I have, some deep-seated fetish/obsession I may have with trans people, or if the reason is because I really do have true blue gender issues. I'll say this: Right now if there was a "magic pill" that would make my body *just* like a natal woman inside and out, I would most certainly take it. If I was truly cisgender, I don't think I would do that, would I?

I am just doubting myself with all this because there have been other times in my life where I wanted to do things that were considered grandiose, and according to many that's a symptom of bi-polar.

First of all, I just want to acknowledge your fear and the courage it took you to share your thoughts about your identify.

Being Trans is not something we wish for ourselves, it just is. However, as what my therapist would say "You cannot live your life for others". I suggest that you take baby steps and see where it takes you. I started medically transitioning at the age of 34 and so far between the highs and lows there are more highs/wins for me. I've been on hrt for almost half a year and so much has happened in my life. 

Life is what you make it to be. Be strong and be who you want to be.

No labels Petti - just you! Love!!!

well, I'll give a brief synopsis of my dysphoria. I  became aware of it at 4 years old when I started dressing in secret with my sisters clothes, I was severely introverted up until and through high school. I was a cross dresser all my life, except for a number of years when I fooled myself that I had solved the problem. Most because of the period of time I grew up , I never was shown the path by therapists and because I never told anyone I had these feelings because I was too embarrassed . I lived in depression all my life because this thing was eating at my soul and I couldn't confront it through therapy because I couldn't reveal my secret out of extreme embarrassment. I've had a whole lot of therapy , but only recently was able to tell a therapist because I was 1 step off the top of my apartment building because I had lost my job and my body was deteriorating. I told the Psychiatrist  at the hospital psyche ward that the problem was I was a woman and here I am.

Quote from: kelly_aus on January 30, 2015, 03:41:06 PM
...
I was out last night in a very male cis centric place.. A guy called me a "->-bleeped-<-" and the looks of horror and disgust aimed at him for doing so were nice to see.. As was the fact that no one gave him any support and he was told to leave by management.
...

That is so cool. I would love to have seen the guy's face...

I just had to chime in. I started transitioning when i was 33. I thought much like you. I'll never look good. I'll never look female.  I'll always look like a man in drag.  I can't believe how i look now.  I'm never misgendered. Except on the phone.  I'm still working on my voice. Hun, don't let those thoughts keep you from moving forward. I did for a long time,  and to say the least i had "something" completely planned out. I don't like to use the word suicide so I avoid it when i can. Feel free to message me once you can.  Here is a family that will always support you. I look forward to hearing from you.

~Phylicia

I'm 58 and still trying to sort this all out after 5-6 years of intense working on it. I'm also 6ft tall, big boned, deep voice, giant feet, frog hands, and balding since 14.

GD is an infinite spectrum between cis male and cis female with just as many ways to manage it. Having GD does not sentence you to a life time of hormones and transitioning to full time. Figuring out what may work for you is mostly trial and error. You change a little something in your life, even something as simple as trying to believe it is OK to be trans, and you see how it goes. Rinse, Lather, Repeat.

The absolute best therapy I have received is from my TG support group. I was totally blown away being in a living room filled with other people whose life stories/feelings were almost identical to my own. By the time my third meeting was over I knew I needed to be there

Thank you all so much for the replies, they really help. Sorry to come off so strong with essay sized posts and junk. It's just that I am somewhat frustrated (not with anyone here, more the world/my situation), I am confused and I feel as if I am too old for this. As far as passing there is another thread up on the first page here called "why do you think so many are willing to chance transition without 'passing'" and reading through that kinda helped as well. Carmen, I saw you had a thread about needing a brow shave, but you look good - my brow is what I imagine would betray me, in profile I look as man as man could be, hehe. Same for you, Phyliciaraine, truth me told, you look like a younger version of my mother as in you could easily be taken as her sister. I am gonna link you ladies some text I read that really scared the hell out of me:

By approximately age 18, the effect of applied hormones to alter sex begins to diminish, by around age 25 the effect become half of what it was at 18, by age 30, the ability of the body to respond to hormones, as well as the acceptability of the result can drop to one fourth. After age 30, there is little effective difference over time, as the body has become fully mature, and there is no longer any special 'youth benefit' to assist transition.

This does not mean that the older transsexual cannot succeed in becoming a socially acceptable and ultimately comfortable member of the sex they were meant to be, but it does mean that the chances of being truly passable, attractive, and content are significantly less.

Taken from: http://transsexual.org/Whattodo.html

Then again I have heard many stories of people saying they were able to pass when they never thought it was possible. Seems like it's all a genetic crap shoot.


Joanne your writing means a lot to me because if I am reading right you are saying GID is a sort of spectrum. I would be so very nervous going to  support group, and the easiest way for me to do that is here, which is why I am doing this. You said you were blown away being around others who were similar to yourself and I am getting a sense of comfort here reading your responses here. I mean, really, you are all helping more than my doctors.

In my first post here I admitted some pretty heavy things (like the porn, etc.), but I did that to be as candid as possible so I could get some real help. Now I have been trying little things like part of what newgrrrl said; growing my hair, nails, etc. Doing that doesn't make me feel weird or uncomfortable so I'll take her advice and press on and stop at the point where it gets uncomfortable. In the end it largely feels like I am self diagnosing here.

Stephanie, thanks for sharing your brief synopsis. It's not too different than my own which is why I said to Joanne I am getting a sense of comfort by what others are saying here being similar to my own. For a long time how I truly felt was a very deep, dark secret. As far back as I could remember I wanted my sister's clothes (and often stole them), played with her dolls and wanted to be like the women I saw on TV. I wanted to be Red Sonja, not Conan, see what I'm saying. When were were younger we used to watch WWF wrestling and I remember thinking those guys were sexy.. my first thoughts of sexual attraction were towards men all the while I wanted to escape the role I was put into. Dark secrets.


YOU ALL, I am not the best at conveying my thoughts through the written word, but I really do appreciate discussing this stuff as it is helping me to better understand myself so I can actually deal with this medical system, family and myself. Even if it doesn't seem so, I am so very Humble and I honestly appreciate what you all have to say just as much as some clipboard wielding guy in a lab coat because you all have life experience which in my opinion rivals a degree and a bunch of letters next to one's name.

If I could only get over my intense fear of not being able to pass, or "living for others" as one poster put it, maybe I could make some progress. I am not vain, I don't care if I was "ugly" woman, I just fear being a guy with long hair and a makeup and being abused/ridiculed because of it. I crumble at the first sign of abuse because I am scared, timid and weak. That and I want to be absolutely sure what I am doing is the right thing and I am in fact suffering from some gender disorder.

When I was in my early 20's I twice 'Experimented' with transitioning. Both times it was ended and I again decided that "Normal" was less painful. I never shook that "Some guy in a dress" feeling. I was 6ft tall in a world full of 5'5" women my age (1970's). I stood out. Being a big fat stuttering knuckle dragging four-eyed geek growing up, I learned that standing out was NOT a good thing.

Two things changed in me between then and now. Thanks to gravity I am now 1" closer to my Goal Height  , another 237 years to go I figure. The other is attitude. Shame, Guilt, Negative Self Esteem all do not foster a positive attitude. It took plenty of introspection, working on myself, my angels, my "Reality Therapist" (aka wife), and some therapy to help turn that ship around. When you hear 99% of passing is attitude, it is true. I achieved my life long dream of being out in real world as the real me and accepted as a woman.

We so often fall prey to the idealized images we have of being women (as well as men). The reality of men we know all to well. The idealization of women keeps us from seeing reality. My best "Sanity Test" when it comes to passing is next Friday evening or Saturday morning head over to the supermarket and spend some quality time in the checkout que just looking around at real women doing real life. They come in all shapes and sizes. All manor of looks from baby girlie girl to ..... not sure. A good female friend of mine was 6 ft tall, husky voice, very andro body and face. She was the runt of the family. Her brothers were monsters at like 6ft 6, 250-300 lbs.

As you've likely read in that "passing" thread, passing has less importance when dealing with GD then feeling and being genuine to yourself, for yourself. I could not understand that concept either until a few years ago. A member of my support group said "Eventually you reach a point when you just don't care". As an engineer I know there is no ideal solution. Every one is a compromise. A balancing act of many competing needs. Life's decisions are much the same. I tend to break decisions down to answering one simple question: "Which pain is worse?"

Quote from: JoanneB on January 31, 2015, 01:34:19 PM
When I was in my early 20's I twice 'Experimented' with transitioning. Both times it was ended and I again decided that "Normal" was less painful. I never shook that "Some guy in a dress" feeling. I was 6ft tall in a world full of 5'5" women my age (1970's). I stood out. Being a big fat stuttering knuckle dragging four-eyed geek growing up, I learned that standing out was NOT a good thing.

Two things changed in me between then and now. Thanks to gravity I am now 1" closer to my Goal Height  , another 237 years to go I figure. The other is attitude. Shame, Guilt, Negative Self Esteem all do not foster a positive attitude. It took plenty of introspection, working on myself, my angels, my "Reality Therapist" (aka wife), and some therapy to help turn that ship around. When you hear 99% of passing is attitude, it is true. I achieved my life long dream of being out in real world as the real me and accepted as a woman.

We so often fall prey to the idealized images we have of being women (as well as men). The reality of men we know all to well. The idealization of women keeps us from seeing reality. My best "Sanity Test" when it comes to passing is next Friday evening or Saturday morning head over to the supermarket and spend some quality time in the checkout que just looking around at real women doing real life. They come in all shapes and sizes. All manor of looks from baby girlie girl to ..... not sure. A good female friend of mine was 6 ft tall, husky voice, very andro body and face. She was the runt of the family. Her brothers were monsters at like 6ft 6, 250-300 lbs.

As you've likely read in that "passing" thread, passing has less importance when dealing with GD then feeling and being genuine to yourself, for yourself. I could not understand that concept either until a few years ago. A member of my support group said "Eventually you reach a point when you just don't care". As an engineer I know there is no ideal solution. Every one is a compromise. A balancing act of many competing needs. Life's decisions are much the same. I tend to break decisions down to answering one simple question: "Which pain is worse?"

Joanne you really laid some great knowledge out for me and I Thank You Dearly. Oh, and I really got a good laugh out of your "237 years" comment.

It's funny (read: sad) how I have ignored so much in the world and am starting to realize it all. Like my ex's sister was around 5'11" and would sometimes be misgendered. Guess I just never thought of it until you laid it out for me like that. I just saw her as a woman and that was enough.

I really thank you all for helping me to get somewhat of a grasp on what I am going through here. Like I said earlier with respect to getting help with these issues, the world seems barren and cold, like I am being ignored. It's also very easy for me to be direct here because of the "online disinhibition effect" ... It would be very, very hard for me to admit a lot of this stuff face-to-face which might be one reason it's hard to get help. In the real world I am shy, quiet and reserved and this is a great tool for me. So I thank you all again.