I thought I would write about how I decided to come out as transgender female.
Apologies if it is a bit rambling.
I have always had a very good memory ever since I was a small child. I even think somehow I remember before I was born - sounds corny I know. I distinctly remember at the age of 3 or 4 i was at some sort of pre-school. It had to be pre-school because I think normal school starts around 5 years old. Anyway I was always attracted to the very feminine colours while drawing. Colours like pink and lilac etc...I even remember saying that my favorite colour pink or magenta to the teacher. She must of been surprised because she seemed to say don't i like blue. Later in life my mum told me that the teacher thought i was a weird child and not normal.
At that same school. I clearly remember NOT wanting to play boisterous games but instead solitary away from the other boys and being attracted to the games the girls were playing...
I clearly remember being taken to a swimming pool around the age of 4. I was in tears because my father took me into the men's changing room and I wanted to go in the women's with my mother. Nothing strange there being a mummies boy but seeing naked men all big and naked revolted me and scared me. I don't think I wanted to be a boy since then something in my brain didn't sit correctly in my psyche.
I remember around the age of 4 I had an operation on my genitals. Apparently they were not descended. When I say un-descended I meant really un-descended and extremely high up in the abdomen - as high as possible. My parents never told me the reason why until a few months ago. This made me angry as i am still not sure if they have told me everything. Going back to the present, my endocrinologist asked me some funny questions on my genitalia that made me doubt if I had an operation on my penis to reposition my urethra (is that's how you spell it?). My penis looks normal now though, so I don't know the full circumstance of what happened when I was a child in that surgery. I feel dread thinking about this for some reason.
He is doing a blood test to check the chromosomes for any abnormality I could be XXY or something.
After i had recovered, my family moved far away so i had to begin a new life. At the new school I was very shy again(perhaps new surroundings). I made friends at the school but i remember being drawn to the girls toilet for some reason and really wanted to use the female toilet instead of the boys toilet. Sometimes i would go in the girls toilet to look inside and pee. At this age I remember desperately saying over and over again my head I am a girl, i am a girl. I would be rocking back and forward in bed crying. Always thinking I want to be a girl, this is a mistake etc...until I would fall asleep incapable of staying awake. It was not every night this happened but often that I remember it. this was around the age of 6 or 7.
At this time I had a clear memory of sneaking into my sisters bedroom in the middle of the night and opening her wardrobe to try on a dress she had. She was in bed sleeping!!! I bet she was awake and knew, but she didn't mention anything to me. I couldn't try it on because it was dark and noisy etc...i was so sad and frustrated.
I remember on a vacation we took as a family in the US. there was this town called Atlanta where on the prominade along the beach you could go into a shop and try on clothes from the American history and get your photo taken. I remember I was always drawn to the dresses, with the satin material, the bellowing skirts with petticoats. It just seemed more appropriate and better than the rough ugly men's clothes. I so much wanted to be a girl it was killing me. My mother would take me away from the clothes and point me to the mens(boys) rack of clothes. How miserable I was.
My parents still have that portrait of me and my sister in her house.
There are so many more examples like this. For example I went to friends house at the age of 9 and wanted to wear my friends sisters onesie(pink) LOL. Another time later i would steal my sisters clothes or try on my mothers shoes or underwear etc...
I can remember at this time star wars and indian jones movies were popular. i was always identifying with the female character. Later around th eage of 12 I was reading books like the clan of the cave bear(which is all from a female perspective)...Why o why did my mother not talk with me aout this obvious signs.
At school I would wear female clothes that my sisters had previously worn(trousers and tops) until a girl at school pointed out i was dressed like a girl and this was somehow wrong. I was destroyed because I loved those clothes with all the zips and style.
In my family no one seemed to talk about personal issues which made me think it was wrong to talk about these issues.
When pubity hit I continued to crossdress but wasn't really interested in girls. I remember at school a boy showed me (proudly) his hair he was growing on his armpits. As this was a big deal. I remember saying to him that I hated body hair and didn't want any.
Around the age of 15 I moved again and my life was a bit hectic, just trying to 'fit in' and keep a low profile. I didn't want enemies or to be bullied at school and this is when I started repressing my thoughts. Even so i felt different. At this time there was no internet to research on etc...and i didn't really know what a transsexual was or what a sex change operation was. I definitely didn't know about hormones etc...i remember saying to my mum i wanted to grow to be like her but she said i wouldn't i was a boy.
When i went to university I went to freshers week. There was a LGBT desk i looked at it, i really wanted to go and find out more but i was terrified. My friend went to the same uni as me and i was frightened about coming out.
Over the next 20 years i have been keeping these feeling repressed and hidden but always there. During my 20s it was a drug fueled haze to supress all of my feelings. I was basically a self medicated(on various illegal drugs) zombie in denial. I should of come to terms with this much sooner because recently the stress of it all was like a screaming white noise, burning through my brain.
Coming back to the present, recently, I remember going away to do a project with work and all I could here in my head was "your name is joanne and you are a woman". I should add over the last 20 years i have been doing cross dressing and trying to manage the best i can this compulsion that I am in fact female.
At this point(i should of done it earlier at my previous job, it would of been a cool place to transition) I went to see my GP and broke don in tear in front of her. In fact as i write this now I have tears welling up. Is like I have come to terms what I am. Is a difficult path people like us face and I am not looking forward to being the but of cruel remarks or cliches like "is it woman, is it man". I feel at this stage, I am 39 years old and married. That if I do not get this sorted I will surely die of a stroke or heart attack.
I have had issues with anger at the world(not violence, just a bitter attitude and mean outlook which i ate because even though i am sad i am a boy generally i have a sunny personality) and recently palpitation which worries me. The stress and anxiety of this gender disphoria is crushing me.
I told the GP that I think I am a female trapped inside a mans body and that I needed help. She sent me to a psychologist to be seen He isn't even a specialist is gender disphoria but he is a good listener. He is trying to say I am having a mid life crisis but i have had these issues a lifetime. I finally got to see an endocrinologist and he is going to send me to THE man that prescribes hormones to transsexuals in my city. God I am looking forward to that. i want to get my life on track again and be who i am, not some fake simulation of a male version of myself.
I have some other health issues that may delay my hormones. I have gynecomastia which is basically female breasts on a male. They aren't too big but starting to be noticeable. They are just under a b-cup. The reason for this is that I have very high levels of prolactin which suppresses testosterone. They also stimulate breast growth. The endocrinologist said if i take hormones now i will basically be a milk cow. Heck i don't care but i need to get an MRI done to check for pituity gland disorders etc...is not fatal and can be managed just another 'complication' in my life at a bad time.
I mentioned above that I am married, yes I am married and to a wonderful lady. I came out to her recently and told her I am transgendered and that I am thinking about changing my gender. She doesn't want me to because she like me with a penis. She said it would be hard for me to transition at my age because I don't know how to be a female. I think she knows deep down that I will transition. I have to, is just impacting my health by not doing it. I want to have children with her. She really wants some. I have sperm banked and so forth so when the time comes we can still have children.
God knows what I will tell my work...
Anyway, I best stop my mad scribbling and put some moisturizer on(my first session of laser removal for my beard today
If there are people reading this, my only message would be not to ignore how you feel. Definitely do not keep it a secret and repress it. There are so many options now for people like us, don't like in misery be who you were meant to be. Be yourself!
Joanne
