I feel neutral, unhappy, unhealthy, detrimental and slightly neurotic. My career happiness is down the drain since Im plunging along with it all hoping it will end keeping myself sane on junk food and mindless entertainment.

That aside, I feel genderless at best right now and feel like a dude. My face is breaking out, my body is getting flabbier, and I know testerone is ruining whatever youth has given me in my feminine looks.  I dont feel pretty at all. I am not upset since I have no one or nothing to look pretty for.... but it was something special about it.... but I lost it. I cut my hair really short thinking I have to be a man once more....

Then I felt death approach me (hiv fear but i think its irrational), .... after that I realize I do not want to die... i want to live. Why? Its because I have hope.

Im.irrational. it feels like no light. Im spending money just to keep myself content....

I know you've talk about your depression for quite along time , but I can't remember if you had said anything about seeing a professional therapist. I'm just trying to help hopefully and I've seen quite a number of your past posts going back quite a while and you seem to be always dealing with some sort of depression, I'm just curious to know if you've ever tried to get professional counseling for this depression of yours. I've noticed from your posts you seem to talk about depression then for a short time you seem to be all right , but then you return to this depression. Maybe if you aren't seeing a therapist it might be a good time to reach out for help. Therapy really can help straight thoughts out and it gives you someone to bounce things off of. Please understand I'm truly only trying to help because for so long you seem to be in so much pain.

I have to second that. Going to see a professional counselor / therapist is very important for you at this point. If I didn't see a therapist when I did, I would be in a similar boat as you. I recommend looking for a specialist in the gender / sexuality area. I tried general therapy and it didn't do much for me.