Hey Ladies, more questions and concerns from Petti. I apologize for all this and as always I do appreciate the help as I continue my journey finding myself.


If I get put on Hormones, I will be on them for life and I am wondering if that will ravage my body. What negative long term effects are there? What would happen if I was ever put into a position where I couldn't take my hormones? If I ever do get the operation, will I have to take as many Hormones? Some people get shots, some get creams or patches, but what will I get? What dictates that? Shots for the rest of my life?

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I just want to be loved and accepted and I am scared no one will love me if I transition because everyone will just see a pill popping woman who in their eyes is really a man anyway, a poser. How could I ever find love if I was a post-op woman when so many men would just rather have a gg so as to avoid being ostracized by family and friends? Women probably wouldn't want me neither. Man or woman, someone who wanted a woman, I fear, would just pass me up for what they considered to be a real woman, which I don't believe I'll ever be viewed as. Even the term Transwoman kinda offends me in a way. Why can't we just be women? Is it because in body we never will be?

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Now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place:

On one side I can sit here as this god awful male figure while conforming to society's notion of what that represents and suffer greatly because of it, OR on the other side it seems like I can be what it feels like I really am (a lady) but in so doing I will assign myself to a lifetime of pills, dilating every week for my entire life, and being constantly rejected. Do any of you girls face that and if so how do you cope?


Please try and understand where I am coming from with these posts, and please understand I am trying nothing more than to understand myself and get a better grasp of what I should be doing. I am so scared, confused, hopeless and lonely and this is the best help I have at the moment. I beg you please don't be mean to me.

Thanks *blows kisses*

As long as you don't self medicate with the hormones, you should be fine. Only do it under the guidance of a doctor.

All medication comes with potential risks and certainly hormones do. If you follow the advice of your doctor/endocrinologist then you should be fine. Speak to them about the potential health risk of anything they prescribe for you. After genital surgery you would expect not to have to take anti-androgens but you would need continue taking estrogens (I don't know if that's at a lower dose or not). You might not need to take pills, some docs use implants so that is an option.

You don't have to use the term transwoman if you don't want to. It sounds like you have a lot of concerns and doubts about your transition - are you talking to a counsellor about those?

Hey Petti, as said before, taking Hormones under medical supervision is relatively safe, even in Tablet form; as long as you are getting regular blood checks for Liver and Kidney functions, along with Blood Sugar, Cholesterol, Testosterone, Oestrogen Levels and other body function blood checks.
Long term damage to male parts starts almost on day 1 with male functional capabilities depreciating and finally lost anywhere from ~ 3 months to 18 months... mine was fairly quick even at later years in life.
Injections and Implants are far better then Pills as they act directly on the endocrinology systems in you body, where as orally taken become diluted on the way through the body organs.

Good luck with deciding on future paths to take, it is not easy, trust me, we all take different approaches and all have some form of doubts and crosses to bear, I certainly do!!!

L Katy 

Thanks you all. I am talking to my therapist and she recommends that I go to support groups, but I am not the most social of people unless I am safe here on the internet. I see this is a support group, so I am really appreciative of this forum and I am sorry if I am a pest. At this moment it is the best help I have.

Sabrina: Thanks for that good advice. I would never have the guts to self medicate and  it's good to hear that I should be alright if I go to a doc.


Ms Grace: More on my therapist. Like I said in the opening paragraph of this post I am talking to her, and I really like her (such a nice woman), but about my gender issues she seems rather distanced. She mostly nods and just listens as I babble on like I am doing here. I have been doing a, let's say, soft transition and I am loving it. Hope it's not TMI, but I have a pair of panties and a cami Im wearing now and will sleep in that. I have been growing my nails and hair, properly shaving and walking like a lady. I read a lot on movement and mannerisms and man how easy all that came to me. Insane. If my looks came as easy as my mannerisms and movement I wouldn't even need hormones, lol.

Let me tell you like this about transition doubts: My heart wants to transition, hardcore full-time - but I am just scared. Scared what will happen to me, being a lonely forever, abused, or just making a mistake.

Katrina: Ha! Guuuurl, you telling me about damage to male parts from day one is a Plus to me.

No really thanks for the info. I have always been in top physical health and having to get this and that monitored will be somewhat jarring for me, but it it helps me feel better for who I am then it's worth it.


Thanks ladies for the convo.

Although there is a chance of recovery during the first 2 ~ 3 months depending 

Hugs Katy

Taking medication for life is no big deal. Lots of people do it for all sorts of conditions.

My wife is cis but she takes more meds than I do including hormones (however her HRT dose is much lower than mine). Nobody has to know and nobody knows except me, her, her doctor and pharmacist.

Support groups are totally optional. I thought about going to one but I don't know if I need it. I have a few trusted friends who help me with recommendations on transition related stuff plus I get tons of info from my therapist plus I get it here. I mostly pass when dressed properly so I'm not worried because when I develop more I shouldn't have an issue. Besides with 3 kids and a demanding full time job I don't know if I have the time.

Good Morning Petti,
I'm going to ramble on for a few minutes about what I believe transition is and is not.  To address gender dysphoria by medically transforming your body to that of a woman has been for me both existentially necessary, and magical.  But it is important to remember that there is no correct solution.  For some no medication, and self acceptance is a valid answer.  There is an entire community within the transgender movement who find that low dose HRT and some physical changes such as permanent hair removal works.  Then there are those such as I who simply cannot abide not seeking to live authentically and who must do whatever they can to transform their body, mind and soul into something new.

I am sixty-two years old.  I have been on HRT for the better part of three years, and lived full time in the gender I identify with since June of last year.  You hit the nail on the head when you spoke of fear.  I did not begin my search for self thirty or forty years ago because of fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of violence, fear of being perceived as a freak.  So I did nothing and tried with all my heart to accept my life as it was and to be a good parent, partner, and man.  It didn't work out too well as they say.

I came into transition feeling lonely, angry, different and afraid every day of my life.  Because my self image was so totally misaligned with how I lived my life - I made a mess of everything.  It took radical change in my case, to both survive and to become someone who I felt was worth of survival.  I lost 22 kg (50 lbs) and am now healthy and fit, but do not intend to do any FFS. I take sublingual medications.   I will have gender confirmation surgery in 2016.  Dilation is nothing that I fear because I have trans women who have walked the path before me and who will be there for me always.

I am accepted and respected at work and in my personal life.  I am neither afraid of living a woman, nor embarrassed if someone misgenders me.  It happens, not so often anymore but how I am perceived by the people I meet isn't really my business.  What I do to create their impression is, and how I respond is, but I am perceived as I am perceived, and I am not vested in that perception.

If the path to an authentic life is the path you must take don't expect it to be all rainbows and unicorns.  It won't be.  There will be loss, there will be uncertainty and mistakes.  Oh well, it is life, and a life well lived has risk, pain, and loss.  There will also be affirmation and love.  You will find the place in your soul where contentment and approval lives.  You will find community both here and in the real world.  You will find the magic of authenticity.

So my advise is to take it easy, but to begin to seek yourself while being infinitely patient.  This is a process of years, not months.  Start laser or electrolysis, see your therapist.  If she is not skilled in gender issues find one who is.  Talk to the people here.  Love deeply and often.  I have a wonderful man who loves me exactly as I am and cannot even effectively imagine the dude I once portrayed.  The well of life is opening for you, take deep, well earned draughts. 

Peace,
Julie

Just wow. Thank You so Much Kate and Julie. Julie what you wrote is so inspirational to me and I learned a lot from it. I know, I know it sounds lame and cheesy, but your words really touched me.


Kate, yeah I'll get over having to take the meds. Both my father and sister take them, so does a girlfriend of mine. It's just something new for me and something that I will get over.

Again to all of you, thanks for putting up with my weirdness, uncertainty, asking the same questions over and over and everything else.

Love

Quote from: Petti on February 01, 2015, 11:38:46 PM
I am sorry if I am a pest. 

Hi Petti, I am only going to address this one thing, as others are answering your concerns very well.  You never have to apologize, this is about you getting your needs met.  Ask away and there will always be someone here for you.   Dani

Quote from: Petti on February 02, 2015, 12:15:32 PM
Just wow. Thank You so Much Kate and Julie. Julie what you wrote is so inspirational to me and I learned a lot from it. I know, I know it sounds lame and cheesy, but your words really touched me.


Kate, yeah I'll get over having to take the meds. Both my father and sister take them, so does a girlfriend of mine. It's just something new for me and something that I will get over.

Again to all of you, thanks for putting up with my weirdness, uncertainty, asking the same questions over and over and everything else.

Love

Glad if I helped.  I'm not on the forums a lot anymore, but am glad to chat anytime you need an ear.  Just send me a PM.
Peace,
Julie

Quote from: JulieBlair on February 02, 2015, 08:53:33 AM
..  But it is important to remember that there is no correct solution.  For some no medication, and self acceptance is a valid answer. 

I believe no matter what other course of action is taken Self Acceptance" is the only valid answer. Without that, anything else will ultimately not matter, you will not be happy.

I am still and totally was a shy introvert. I grew up having a stutter and was teased over it. I had sinus issues and was a mouth breather, therefore assumed to be a knuckle dragging idiot also. An easy label to stick since I didn't dare speak. So dealing with other people has never been my forte'. Sharing feelings was a foreign language.

When my dysphoria got to the point that I needed to do something for real about it several years ago, the only support within 100 miles was a TG group.  I don't deal well in one on one situations, groups of total strangers forget it! Total lock up. But I was desperately in need of some sort of support, not even knowing what sort. Just any! So I went

I was totally blown away that first meeting, being in some strangers living room filled with people. Each telling "their story" as in intro to the newbie. They were all MY story. The pain became less. By the end of the second meeting I knew the feelings I had weren't a fluke. By the end of the third I knew I needed to be there. Within a few more months it became extremely difficult to believe that this person opening up their heart, speaking so much was me! My group has been instrumental in helping me turn my life around.

GD is a broad spectrum covering anything and everything between cis-female and cis-male. How it manifests and how it can be managed is just as infinite. What works today, may not work tomorrow, or it may work forever. You don't know untill you explore.

I relied on low dose HRT several times over the decades being on them for a few months and then stopping. I am on feminizing doses today because that is what I need. I also need to present male, which I do with no prob. The risk of taking medications, any medication, should be small compared to the benifits. I don't know what will happen if I needed to stop. About the only thing that might make me consider it is a request from my wife. In the past it would have been an easy yes I will. Today, I wouldn't want to call it. Thankfully I don't see her asking because I am a far better person then I was a few years ago.

There are risks, both physical and emotional. Blood clots and liver damage are the biggies. Emotionally, it is not just the roller coaster ride it can be at times that is a risk, some people, especially cis males (gay or straight) will not get along with E. For a transwoman it is the elixir of life.

FYI: I'm IS.

Transitioning or not, for me I will always need to take hormones to ensure I maintain a healthy body.  Sure there are health risks, but I've accepted them to be happy and healthy.

Thanks ladies. I am making ~some~ progress here. I talked to my therapist today and she is gonna try to help me get to someone who specializes in my needs. She expressed to me today that she's not really equipped for what she called "LGBT Issues" and that it would be best if I got discharged from her and went to someone who specializes in gender.

A lot of what I have learned here in this thread, my last and another from a few months back as brought some stuff into focus, mainly being comfortable about transition and also realizing that GID is indeed a spectrum. I'm sitting here right now with girl clothes under my boy clothes so I am somewhere on that spectrum, that's for sure. Also played with makeup today, mascara, eyeliner and lipstick. I am not usually one to think highly of my appearance, but that makeup made me feel good even though I wasn't too good putting it on. MY sister let me play around at her makeup desk. So supportive she is. After doing that I am not as afraid of transition because that makeup made me pretty sexy <3 so with better skin care and hormones I might not be so bad. Sorry to come off as so shallow, but meh.. just being honest.

Like my sister and father you all are supportive as well and if I could thank you a million times I would still feel like I didn't thank you all enough. I am so humble and appreciative. Not a single letter any of you have written to me has gone unread. Thank You.

We are all here to help and pass our thoughts and journeys, they are not all identical, but we are all moving in the same direction. Its wonderful for us all being able to participate in these forums as advisory or as a recipient of such valued information.

Enjoy your journey Petti... I am and still have a way to go despite my years on HRT, which is absolutely so amazing   

L Katy