Hi and welcome!
Well I can kind of relate to you, although my identity is not quite the same as yours as I'm fluid from girl to boy and back again. But as for the "wanting a penis" thing, heck yeah!!!
When I first looked into lower surgery for FTMs, ten+ years ago, the standards of care required that the candidate identify, pass, and "live as a man" for at least a year prior to surgery. I had (and have) no idea how to "live as a man" in a stereotypical, please-the-cis-people kind of way, so I was pretty discouraged. I'm just not socially male.
"Why do I have to be a MAN to have a penis," I thought! "I could get huge breast implants just by plopping some cash on a doctor's desk, but I can't get a simple clitoral release? What the heck? Discrimination! Misogyny!" (I still feel this way.)
And I get wanting the penis but not wanting the T. Testosterone is no joke. I know. I'm on it, and I'm a girl. Kind of. Mostly a girl. Definitely femme. Most of the time. Sometimes a total girly-girl. After many years of fretting over what to do - I love my boobs, I love my c-nt, I love being feminine sexually and socially - I decided for myself to go with Testosterone and let the chips fall where they may. T is a choice I made and if you want to ping me about it, feel free. I can tell you this much: yes, it's masculinizing. As you probably know. That's what it's for. I worried that I *wouldn't* like some of the effects, but oddly I am liking things I didn't expect to like. Then again I'm 35 and my body was changing a lot anyway. And finally - it's true - my genitals are starting to feel like MY genitals. I feel more complete.
But still it was a hard decision and there were irreversible losses, for sure. Especially for a girl.
... Thing is, for us nonbinary people, there is simply not a single "standard" of care. We don't have a one, two, three step process that we can follow, with many who have done the same thing before. I don't know any other transmasculine people who identify as girls - or is it that I don't know any other girls who feel sex dysphoria around wanting a penis?
It IS possible to use less masculinizing methods to achieve *some* downstairs growth, and the changes, although perhaps not as dramatic as what T can do, could help you feel more right in your body. It can be done.
The links which JulieBlair posted are pretty much where I started a couple years ago. I'm not sure what details we're allowed to discuss in these forums, but I was able to follow links to other links and get some solid advice.
(Um.... Don't over-pump though. Seriously.)
