Hey everyone.

I'm having a hard time lately. My SO told me at the start of the year he felt like a woman and wanted to explore what that meant. He talked about hormones, everything. He told his sister, I went with him while he told his parents. Now, after two visits to his gender therapist, he's thinking of not doing it.

He was even thinking of us getting married while he was a woman in a wedding dress, and now, nothing.

I know that this period in our lives will get better, but I'm really struggling with his constant flip flopping. I told him I wouldn't marry him until he got it all figured out, but there was no pressure. We still live together and love each other.

I'm seeing my own therapist and started taking medication for depression per my doctors orders because this has all been so difficult.

Any words of wisdom during this time? I'm just feeling like nothing is stable. It doesn't help that our work life was set to change, that we were planning to move to a new city with new jobs also. I'm just really tired and overwhelmed and tired of being overwhelmed.

You are an amazing person, and he is very lucky to have you in his life! This is a difficult thing for everyone involved, and your patience and understanding make it that much easier. I hope you both find the happiness you deserve!

Thank you, Robyn. It's just really hard right now. He doesn't know what he's thinking or feeling, and I'm losing my patience with him. I'm getting snippy, which I hate. I told him not to make any decisions, but to continue with therapy, maybe consult someone else also.
I feel bipolar, today I was crying and yesterday I was fine. I know he's only been talking about transition since just before new year's, but I can't wait for things to calm down! Honestly, just calm down please! I'm losing it!

I wish I had actual words of wisdom, but I'm afraid all I can offer is sympathy; my wife never "backtracked" on what she wanted, though she wasn't always sure what that was. I can imagine that it must be a very confusing and stressful time for you, and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with so much at once.

I can at least say that I did the roller coaster of "fine to miserable to desperate to fine" myself many, many times...

     It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. I know it is extremely hard to feel so powerless, but I am guessing that your significant other probably feels pretty powerless in all of this as well. For most of us, the time in our lives when we first begin questioning our gender identity can be very confusing.  I know when I first began this journey I thought that I would most likely land somewhere in the middle and live my life as non-binary. The reality turned out to be that the more I allowed myself to express my feminine side, the more that I realized I could never be happy in the middle because I quickly began to despise every aspect of myself that was masculine. What your significant other needs right now is license to make a few mistakes so that they can find out exactly where they will be most comfortable. Please try to understand that they are facing a major life altering decision and there is bound to be a fair deal of self doubt. I would be far more concerned if your significant other never had any doubts at all.
     My wife and I have been struggling to adjust and rebuild what was already a broken relationship before this whole journey started, so I can relate to some of what you are feeling.   You might search online to find out if there is a support group for spouses of transgender individuals in your area as talking to someone who is facing the same struggles can be a huge relief at times.
     Good luck to both of you on this journey and welcome to Susan's.

One thing that has made my transition hard is my wife.  Even though she is ok with it, I have my doubts sometimes and worry it will be hard for her.  I don't ever want to loose her and could wait another 20 years if faced that choice.  Maybe you are part of the equation that makes it hard;)

Living and loving those of us going through a transition is asking plenty.  I can understand how not knowing for sure could be totally frustrating.  But, if you will love this person regardless of gender, maybe patience is the best thing to exercise.  It would be better than rushing into a transition (or not transitioning at all) both of you would regret later in life.  I am constantly worried about my wife's perseverance through all this (even though she's been my rock and literally a total lifesaver) and it makes me second-guess everything I say or do because I don't want to screw things up when they seem so perfect right now.

Were you given a reason for the change of heart and flip-flopping?  Just curious if it was something said in therapy or because of associated risks.

Stay strong.  You rock.  For real.

It just may be a "WTF am I Doing " meltdown of sorts. I've had quite a few these past 5-6 years. Though, I never got to the point of outing myself as much as your spouse. Or since, as far as you know, this is all a new development and after a couple of sessions with a therapist the cold hard fish slap of reality is there. Transition aint for weenies. GD encompasses a very broad spectrum with an infinite varieties of expression and many many ways to manage it aside from a full social transition.

You didn't mention anything specific as to how long the feelings before coming out to yo and the family, the decision for HRT, seeing a gender therapist etc..

Oh and nothing about the very big important point for a life partner.... Did you ask, and get a real answer?

I've realized something the last few weeks. I was so shocked that he wanted to transition because he's said on multiple occasions that he has times, weeks to months even, where he feels fine. Where he is happy to be in his own skin, presenting as male. I asked him two nights ago how he was feeling, and he said that he feels like the past month was a nightmare.
He seems to be presenting more as gender fluid, feeling fine as male and then having periods of not feeling fine and wanting to present as female. Even more so when he is stressed.
He's talking about not transitioning because he realizes that if he had periods where feels fine as male now, he will likely have times where he feels unhappy as female and want to be male.
I think that's a very good thing to recognize, because I want him to be happy.
Thanks for supporting me through this, everyone. Has anyone gone through this, either themselves or as a spouse? It almost seems more difficult than having had the feeling of being a woman your whole life in a male body, because he is in constant turmoil. He also said that it is always there, underneath, but the feeling is not very strong sometimes so doesn't feel the need to dress.

For well over 30 years I needed my roughly monthly escape from maleness to get buy. I had decided back in my 20's not to transition, to try to be "Normal". I settled on cross-dressing as my main means of coping. During the more stressful then normal times of my life, I CD'd a lot more often then the monthly average.

So yes, GD does often ebb and flow with stress as does the oceans with the moon. I know I am not the only one like this. Mostly simple human nature. Wanting or needing to escape the realities of life. Some turn to adrenaline, alcohol, drugs, etc.. For us it's gender presentation. It brings the much sought after comfort or relief from being you

But it's not just a means of escape. Last month he really did feel like a woman, was even planning on changing his name, wearing a wedding dress instead of a tux when he got married, everything. I know some of it might have been just fantasizing, and more he's back on more even ground, but I think he really does have times where he goes back and forth.
Is this a common thing? Or might he just be deluding himself once again, thinking he can handle things as long as he just crossdresses?
I'm not looking for a complete answer, I know he has to figure this out for himself, and he's not sure. But I'm just trying to prepare myself, because I want to stay with him, but I want to know if I can, as much as I can know, I guess, what will happen. Maybe that's wishful thinking.

I'm 23, but when I was 19 or so I was SO convinced I was trans.. and telling everyone and talking about it.. then I got scared and went into this "I'm happy as a 'gender queer' person and don't want to physically transition" but recently my dysphoria got so intense that I wasn't able to deny my self transition. Now I've living FT for 4 months  and on my way to HRT and laser. I think he may just be scared.. but you are being a wonderful support and I think things will work themselves out!

It's sad that I'm happier now that he's not wanting to transition.I think he sees it too. It makes me feel bad, like I'm not trying hard enough. But he's talking about it now like it won't ever happen. He went through this period in college as well, he said, and decided not to transition.
I just wish he understood it better so that I could understand it better. I feel like he's ignoring it now, and just thinking about his upcoming job changes, which are honestly stress enough. But I want him to have a better handle on this.
Is it selfish to ask him to keep thinking and talking and journaling? Because we has planned to move to another city together in five months. Now I'm not so sure how I feel about it. I'm afraid I will stay with him, and he will change his mind again, and what if I can't handle it?

The simple fact is; It is Complicated    Shame and Guilt are powerful forces every trans person needs to deal with. They do rule your life initially, if not forever. There is this phenomenon called "Purging", many of go through. The forces of shame and guilt become so strong, in order to remove "Temptation" you get rid of, or purge, all you female stuff. Out of Sight; Out of Mind. Well, for a few hours, days, weeks.... maybe. It can manifest in other ways too. In essence, it is just a manifestation of Denial and the belief that through the shear force of will, you can beat it.

Believe me... He is going even crazier then you over this. Perhaps just doing a better job of "Manning Up".