trigger warning, dysphoria
GAH.

so, i grew into this beautiful baby faced, button nosed, fair skinned, big busted and butted curvy glop of WOMAN.

i look around at all the trans-men around me and i cant help feeling cursed! im like the epitome of what a girl wants to look like, minus being a twig, and  i have majorly broad shoulders.

actually makes me feel kinda horrible sometimes because i feel like im wasting all the good things about my body, that im ungrateful for beauty i was given, that i shouldn't change them because i have these features that girls are jealous of.

but i hate it. with a passion. It dosn't matter if i go on T and grow a 3 foot beard, get surgery, etc. because im just gonna  look like a flat chested woman with a beard.

sometimes i really wish that i was ugly.

( i just realized that i must sound really egotistical, im not full of myself i just know from what people tell me that some of my most hated features are things that are people wish they had themselves. )

Quote"makes me feel kinda horrible sometimes because i feel like im wasting all the good things about my body, that im ungrateful for beauty i was given, that i shouldn't change them because i have these features that girls are jealous of. "

All "good" things that don't represent who you are though?

Quote
" It dosn't matter if i go on T and grow a 3 foot beard, get surgery, etc. because im just gonna  look like a flat chested woman with a beard. "

Doubtful

Quote
"sometimes i really wish that i was ugly. "

Are you saying only ugly ftms pass as cis males or pass at all? 

It doesn't sound egotistical. In your case, being dealt a great set of genetics means all you see is the "female" instead of what you want to see. I can't offer you any solutions there as I was never seen as very feminine or attractive as a female (but I never tried to look female anyway) and I've always had a masculine build (minus the huge chest I used to have). But I think you should give yourself a chance in what type of man you could become. I can't speak for everyone but despite never looking  particularly feminine, I still have tons of things that I pick apart as "giving me away" though honestly, I know it's just in my head. There will always be those things. T is a very strong hormone and if you did go on HRT (if that's something you wanted), I'm sure you would be surprised at how well it turned out. I can't find it at the moment but I did see a YouTube video from a guy who, before T, was seen as a very feminine beautiful woman and after being on T for a while, looked not the least bit feminine at all.

Yeah, I feel your pain... I had that really attractive female look as well...Like shameless dudes would whistle at me while out running or just walking down the street.  HATED IT! HATED IT!  People told me it was shameful to waste such a great body by transitioning.  Well, I will always have this female skeleton, but after a number of years on T now, things are starting to look more like "ME".  I guess now I can be perceived as an attractive guy Who cares what others think?  It really IS all about you...  Be who you are, and hopefully you can get your body to match up better.  It feels good!

Even if I don't have the body of the stereotyped "fatal women", I have some of the qualities a lot of girl would like to have. And yes, it's absolutely awful that people appreciate "qualities" we literally hate.

But as some other said, it's YOUR body ! you don't owe the world anything (+ it's not because you have a pretty girl's body that you can't have an handsome guy's !)

I never understood why other girls wanted a bigger chest while I wished mine got smaller. It never made sense to my mom that dressing up or looking pretty didn't make me feel good. It's like, yes I know I look nice, but this isn't how I want to look. People tell me that my hair is really pretty and my involuntary response is that I want to chop it all off. I guess I'm pretty lucky in that my body is pretty well proportioned, besides for my broad shoulders (something I've always liked) lots of clothes fit me well (when I'm not feeling down and overeating). Was always glad I wasn't apple or pear shaped or whatever they wanna call it. Last time I was at the gym with a friend of mine and she said she'd love to have my thighs. All I said was.. Ugh you can have them cause I don't really want them..

Like everyone says, T does magic I'm pretty sure you'd look like any other guy after you get HRT. Don't worry too much. A letter from your therapist before HRT is sort of to make sure you aren't "wasting the good things about your body" because after all, they don't seem like good things to you, do they?

 Instead of seeing transitioning as wasting the good things about your body try seeing it as something that will make those good things even better because you'll finally be comfortable in your body. T is pretty powerful too so I don't think you need to worry about looking like a flat-chested woman with a three foot beard. 

I get the same comments from my family members, that wanting to transition is a "waste of the beauty god gave [me]" or whatever other BS. But I don't see it. With makeup on I can look pretty and feminine, I guess, but it's all smoke and mirrors if you ask me. Without the makeup I seem to pass pretty easily as a young guy since I already have a more masculine, angular face. I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

It seems to be human nature to be dissatisfied and it applies to cis people as much as trans. People with thick hair find it a hassle and want thinner hair. People with thin hair wish theirs was thicker. Fat people envy skinny people and skinny people want to gain weight.

You are under no obligation to maintain your 'feminine beauty' if it makes you unhappy. There are worse ways to 'throw away' good looks: smoking/drinking, bad taste, reckless driving, excess sun, bad eating, etc.

Take care of yourself. If you are content with yourself then you'll look great.

Holy ->-bleeped-<-, I feel this, but I've been too scared to talk about it. I've got a weird Little Women complex about this -- I'm afraid that I'm ruining my only beauty. I was hot!!! I was a nice looking "lady!!!" And I'm freaked, I'm so freaked at the idea of wasting it. Of ruining it.

Just so you know this feeling also applies to MTFs, feels a bit like letting something go to waste but in the end it's your body and you should do with it as you want, not as others want.

I imagine you'll look quite handsome after taking T.

--Jay

Thank you for all the responses, and sorry i wasnt on sooner to reply.

Quote from: M a t t on January 27, 2015, 01:17:56 PM
Are you saying only ugly ftms pass as cis males or pass at all? 

its a little hard to explain.. I have issues with dudes, from bad things that have happened because of them, so part of it is me only being able to envision men as harsh.

I think what he meant is that masculine features that help ftm's pass are deemed ugly in females. Larger noses, prominent brows, bigger jawline, those kinds of things. Not exactly features you'll see on female models.

And yes, to some people it may seem that beauty is wasted. But what is beauty anyway? And how long will it matter? Beauty standards are changing when you age. Your gender however, will not (unless, of course, you'll transition again ).

The very concept of "beauty" is one that is COMPLETELY up to another person looking at you and judging you. In absolute terms, an "ugly" person is every bit as equally human as a "beautiful" person... a set of self-replicating DNA cobbled together into an assortment that can breathe and feel and touch and think. And one set of that self-replicating DNA changing itself into a slightly different form through hormones is no different than another.

The only difference is that people look at one set of genes and arbitrarily declare them "superior" to the other.

So is the loss really yours? Imagine that you're in a vacuum, where not a single person can see you, you're the only person that has to see yourself and live with yourself. Does you appearance even matter anymore? With nobody to treat you a certain way, nobody to judge you compared to others, you're just simply a person, no more beautiful or ugly than anyone else because there's nobody else to judge you that way. In such a scenario I imagine you'd transition much more readily.

I know this might not help much, because it's REALLY hard to do what makes you happy in the face of others' wishes, (I have issues too because I want to be liked by everyone, and I hate it when I feel like I'm letting down their expectations,) but ultimately, you're not losing ANYTHING by transitioning. THEY'RE losing something. And since you're the one who has to live in your body, I think what ultimately should matter is you being happy with you, not other people being happy with you.

I have to spend a lot of time pushing body positivity on myself. I need to see the body I have as a male, even though I'm pre-t and pregnant right now. When I can do that, everything is easier. When I was a teenager, my mom was constantly limiting my food and making me exercise all the time. I was pretty lean, even though I didn't see it at the time. She also forced me to look somewhat feminine, which I thwarted when I could. Other than my modest bra size, I hit a lot of the feminine ideals about beauty back then. When people see old pictures of me, they tell me that my sister is really hot. But honestly, when I look at those pictures now, I see a boy in drag. At prom, it was epic drag. I don't look at that me and think about what I gave up, no matter what my mother says. You are you. You will always have some parts of that body. You have a certain amount of control over what that body can become. I try to concentrate on finding native parts of me I like as they are. The rest I do with my clothes, my hair, and my personality. Find the you that you like. Oh, and don't worry about being too pretty to be a boy. Tons of boys are super pretty and have feminine features and are still totally guys. Not every guy needs to be some kind of hypermasculine ideal. It hurts all of us when we feel like that's the only way to be a man.

Is there a chance that your biggest fear here, is that you want to continue to be attractive, and you're afraid that you won't be attractive if you transition? That you're debating being a beautiful someone you're not, than a potentially ugly someone you are? Just a thought.

I did professional modeling (runway/fashion mostly) for years before I finally decided to transition, and now at a little over 4 months, I pass quite well as a handsome man most of the time. I get compliments all the time. It used to be things like, "oh, you're so pretty!", and now it's, "you're so handsome!".

Quote from: Rawb on February 03, 2015, 07:56:46 AM
Is there a chance that your biggest fear here, is that you want to continue to be attractive, and you're afraid that you won't be attractive if you transition? That you're debating being a beautiful someone you're not, than a potentially ugly someone you are? Just a thought.

definitely plays a part in it..

How is it 'wasting' anything? You're not female its as simple as that. Why should you hold onto something as shallow as looks over being who you are? You cant help how you look or anything else, its not wasting anything. It would be a waste of yourself to not be yourself over something like that. You dont know how you'll look on T. Instead of a good looking 'girl' you can be a good looking guy. Why does it matter. There is so much more to life than looks and I would imagine a happier life being who you really are than pretending to be something you're not over one thing for the perceived benefit of others. What does it matter to anyone else anyway. Live your life for you. I hate when cis people say to a trans person "but you were such a pretty girl!" like thats all that matters. Your happiness should come first. The shameful thing is other people trying to assert control over what you do with your own body. Its not a waste if its wrong to begin with. Life wasted itself on me giving me something I dont want, I didnt choose it so Im not wasting it. Would donate if I could though. And as others have said who/what defines beauty anyway? We all have a different perception of it. Whats beautiful to one person is ugly to another. There is no standard of it accepted by all. However good I had looked when I was perceived as female (and I didnt btw lol) I would always have been ugly to myself cause thats not what I was anyway. Its not wasting or ruining anything to be who you are. See it as a good place to start from, you look good now Im sure you will look good as male too. Not come across T making anyone ugly lol. But again beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyway. You're not wasting it, you're building on it

I would rather be the ugliest man on the planet than the most beautiful woman. Why, cause Im a man. Simple as that. I'd rather be who I am than a false persona over something shallow and live in misery. Just do what is right for you and not see it as wasting anything you never asked for in the first place

I know how you feel in some regards. I was quite pretty as a young woman. Objectively I know that. I can look at old pictures and now I can see that I was easy on the eyes.

Now, I'm still the same way. I have a lot of people tell me that I'm handsome and older women and grandmothers tell me I'm a pretty young man. I don't think I spent three years wasting my features. If anything I feel like the changes I have gone through have made it easier to appreciate my positive physical characteristics. Remember, it's your body and it's okay to reclaim it as yours. There is nothing wasted by becoming who you feel you should be.