I know I kind of did this in the wrong order. But if you wish to hear my background...
I wasn't anything special as a kid, I had both male and female interests and never really concerned myself with gender. To me girls were just like boys but with longer hair.
I've started feeling insecure about my body when I went through puberty in middle school. (Warning: TMI) I always had this feeling like something belonged between my legs and I never desired to be curvy even though I knew that's what other girls wanted. I felt the need to 'fit in' and that I should be like other girls. That I should be wearing plenty of makeup and have myself dress all pretty. But the truth was, I would just put on a pair of jeans and a baggy t-shirt every morning before school. I had also gone through a period of severe depression in middle school but I don't know if that had anything related to gender.
I was kind of the same when I headed off school. But I was gaining weight and with that I was changing. I was developing larger breasts and my body was no longer stick-like as it was in middle school. I thought as a girl I was suppose to embrace this but it wasn't the case. I just felt so odd in my body. It was also around this time that I began to discover there were transgender people out there but I didn't think it could ever apply to me since I thought transgender folk knew since when they were kids and had to be attracted to the same sex only.
But when I was alone I let myself do this "experimenting", I played this browser game online I would start dressing my avatar in more masculine clothing. When I wrote I started having more male main characters. And I frequently played male characters in video games. And I had always identified more with male characters whether it was books or tv shows or movies.
But later in high school through the internet I began to learn more about the trans* community. I learned about non-binary and for a time I let myself to not identify as female but instead as agender. I never came out to anyone and I still went she/her pronouns. I knew typically non-binary people would go by they/them though not always yet I knew I didn't want to be a they/them and there was this desire I had to be called he/him. But then I discovered the existence of a binder. The idea of my chest looking flat appealed to me but this just made me more frustrated with myself. I didn't understand why I would possibly want my chest to look flat. I had this dream where I had a full male body and I liked that feeling. I kept denying myself and I was getting no where.
It wasn't until I found out about that there were transgenders out there who were not straight and that there were transgenders who didn't know since they were young did I stop denying myself. But I was still scared and I am still scared because this just makes it all the harder for me and for everyone I love. I finally did let myself buy that binder and when I wore it I just felt I looked so great and wished I could just look like this without a binder.
And now here I am, a nineteen year old in his first year of college. Lately I've been trying to cope with gender dysphoria and patience myself. I am beginning to realize even with my hair cut, wearing a binder, wearing less feminine clothes, and having male mannerisms (though I have always had more male mannerisms) I still don't feel like it is helping enough. I have come to the conclusion that I need to transition for myself and I am still figuring out how to finance it and I worry about affecting the other people in my life. And that is why I am here.
Anyways, Hello and you may call me DarkWolf or DW.
