TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of abuse and trauma

Gosh.

I feel like everytime i come on her i have something triggering or depressed to talk about..

I have PTSD, and a lot of my trauma is abuse to which the abuser was male. Ever since i figured out what my identity was i had a hard time with it, because for me being the same gender as the people who caused me to be the way that i am is really hard to deal with. Sometimes just thinking about it triggers flashbacks and memories, and i guess i just wish i could be someone else.

but we all deal with that sometimes right?

today has been a tough day, i had to unfriend my uncle off of facebook because of triggering material he was posting and he got upset and we kind of had a small argument about it. i stopped talking to him and just got off facebook because i couldnt handle it. Today is just a rough day, i feel like everywhere my thoughts turn is to the men who hurt me, and in turn also to the fact that now im just like them.

my perception of men is horrible, and i know that its probably really irrational, but i cant handle being that way.

when i think of dudes usually in my head i think of people who are out to get you, who think they are superior, who only think about s*x all the time, cheaters, liars, backstabbers, i just cant imagine a guy who isnt like that, and its hard for me to associate myself with that.

i know i have it all wrong, but its taken me a year to get to the point that i can sit and play card with a hospital staff member. for me that was a huge improvement.

i just dont see the hope in me being okay with myself now that im connected to the people who caused me so much grief.

You said that you can't imagine a guy who isn't all those negative things but you're a guy and you're not any of that. Eventually I think you'll find that most guys aren't those things but maybe a good place to start is with yourself. You can look at yourself as being an example that not all guys are jerks and take comfort in that.

This may sound stupid but there have been some bad men throughout history, take someone like Hitler for example. He was terrible but other men don't associate themselves with his atrocities just because he was a fellow man and he doesn't represent the majority of historical male figures.

Seeing only the negative behaviors of the male gender is also a thinking pattern which you can eventually change. If you meet a guy and immediately assume that he's a jerk your mind is going to unconsciously find things to reinforce the idea that he is even though he may really be a decent guy. To change that try to catch yourself when you begin thinking negatively of an individual and acknowledge that you're only assuming they're bad because they're male then look for the positive aspects of their personality instead. It may take a long time but it's almost as if you have to retrain your mind and teach it to not think so negatively of all men.

Quote from: Orangaline on February 02, 2015, 02:04:22 PM

i feel like everywhere my thoughts turn is to the men who hurt me, and in turn also to the fact that now im just like them.

You are not just like them.  You cannot control or change the fact that you are a man, but you do get to choose what type of man you will be.  You get to choose every day.  Sometimes you can build on who you were yesterday, and other times you have to start over.

It is ok that you are still having a hard time with this.  You're making forward progress.  You still have within you the potential to be a good guy.