I just cannot stop thinking about it. I want one so badly. I feel like I will finally get to be happy once I feel like I am in the right body.
I have been trying to tell myself that it's not as important or significant to me as it really is, but I only feel like I'm denying it. I had a bilateral orchiectomy done in September of 2013. I made a very successful transition. People see a beautiful woman in me, but there's still that depression.
I have been on a spiritual path for about
the past 5 yrs. I had an awakening when I was about 19. I started living as female when I was about 18 and right out of high school.
I have done so much after the spiritual awakening. I've been denying the necessity of the gender reassignment surgery the whole time.
I feel like I've more than achieved the ability to go out into society as female, but I feel like my transition has hit a doldrum.
Can anyone here understand? Also, anyone who has already been post op, the input would be greatly appreciated.

Quote from: CosmicJoke on February 08, 2015, 09:55:54 PM
Can anyone here understand? Also, anyone who has already been post op, the input would be greatly appreciated.

I totally understand. Never really hated what I was born with, but just dying to have a VJ and clitoris.

Now I have them. Not in any way disappointed...

I'm on HRT and not much else, but your feelings seem pretty normal to me, given the community you're posting in.

My feeling about such things have changed in some ways since starting HRT. Its hard to describe exactly but I feel it was strong before but somehow superficial compared to now where there's perhaps less obsession but its much deeper.

I'm not quite sure I see the point of your post though. It sounds like you've already gone so far that SRS seems like the next obvious step. Is there some reason its not? I can see how that would be difficult to deal with.

Quote from: AnonyMs on February 09, 2015, 10:36:53 AM
I'm on HRT and not much else, but your feelings seem pretty normal to me, given the community you're posting in.

My feeling about such things have changed in some ways since starting HRT. Its hard to describe exactly but I feel it was strong before but somehow superficial compared to now where there's perhaps less obsession but its much deeper.

I'm not quite sure I see the point of your post though. It sounds like you've already gone so far that SRS seems like the next obvious step. Is there some reason its not? I can see how that would be difficult to deal with.

The reason why not would probably be fears, but that's mainly it. I fear my mom lashing out on me for asking, then there's a ton of prep work to be done that she would probably again lash out on me for.
My relationship with my mother has always been extremely difficult, but I managed to stay so strong through everything.
I feel like there's just alot I haven't yet even had the time to process. 

I can't even begin to describe the number of times I've looked down at the "equipment" I currently have and gone, "...ew. No. That's gotta go. Ew."

Quote from: StrykerXIII on February 09, 2015, 03:26:16 PM
I can't even begin to describe the number of times I've looked down at the "equipment" I currently have and gone, "...ew. No. That's gotta go. Ew."

It's not so much that I am repulsed by it, but I feel like it's what I don't have that makes me just feel this emptiness and void.
I have a boyfriend that actually is attracted to the body that is that of a transsexual female. Meaning, still having the penis, but a very feminine body.
Though, I know I will never really even get to enjoy sex if I don't have a vagina.
It's not even just that, but I don't even feel like I'm fully present most of the time.

Quote from: CosmicJoke on February 09, 2015, 03:41:42 PM
Meaning, still having the penis, but a very feminine body.

My fiancee's attracted to this idea too. She's voiced a concern that our sex life may suffer if I get bottom surgery...which, of course, has made me hesitant about HRT, since it decreases functionality. But she's definitely stated that she wants me to have boobs, so I'm confused. I'm not -against- that kind of body, since the main thing that repulses me about my penis is the fact that my overactive libido has ruined multiple relationships and caused a lot of fighting between she and I. But I just dunno at this point.

Quote from: StrykerXIII on February 09, 2015, 03:45:12 PM
My fiancee's attracted to this idea too. She's voiced a concern that our sex life may suffer if I get bottom surgery...which, of course, has made me hesitant about HRT, since it decreases functionality. But she's definitely stated that she wants me to have boobs, so I'm confused. I'm not -against- that kind of body, since the main thing that repulses me about my penis is the fact that my overactive libido has ruined multiple relationships and caused a lot of fighting between she and I. But I just dunno at this point.

Relationships for me have always been very difficult, and that's just with family and peers. If you're not ok with you, then somebody else won't be either.
This is something I've had to come to terms with.

I certainly want a vag, but I'm not obsessed by the need and I don't believe it will make me happy. I do hope the replumbing will make me "whole" (no pun intended) but it won't be a magic bullet for any other issues in my life, transition related or not. My personal philosophy is that being realistic about expectations is the best way to avoid disappointment. And I really don't want to be disappointed.

Quote from: CosmicJoke on February 09, 2015, 05:04:07 PM
Relationships for me have always been very difficult, and that's just with family and peers. If you're not ok with you, then somebody else won't be either.
This is something I've had to come to terms with.

I was having pretty bad problem with depression caused by trying not to transition, for family reasons among others. A gender therapist pointed out to me that this could be worse for those around me than whatever might result from transitioning. I had been pretty difficult to live with, and I could see it was only going to get way worse. I started moving ahead, although very slowly, and I feel pretty great these days. That's been good for my family.

You might want to think where you'll be in 10 years if you don't work all this out. You might reach a point where people don't want to be around you just because you're so unhappy. It would be a big loss for all involved, but if you work it out now then at the very least you can be happy. Hopefully others too. I think in this situation you need to take care of yourself first before you can do anything for others.

It's probably very personal, but I don't really seem to have any fears about having SRS. I feel that an orchiectomy is the big commitment, and the rest is nothing much. I'm not sure that's 'normal' though.

I think about it quite a bit, and eats away at my sanity sometimes. I don't really like looking at myself in the mirror unless I have tucked (never really have, even though I didn't know why). It's not always a disgusted feeling though (but it is quite a bit) and I haven't done anything like stand in front of the mirror with a knife to my genitalia. A lot of times it feels like I should have female parts and they missing. I'm not sure if anyone else is like that

I understand your need

I was the same when I was still post-op... I wish I could wake up in the morning and there would a be vagina between my legs...

then one day... I had srs.. and that dream came true.. I woke up from the op with a vagina between my legs.. ok it was a few days before I could see it.

StrykerXIII, have you considered taking a low dosage of hrt's to give you some of the effects you want and not enough to kill all your male functionality?  I have heard of girls doing that since they still want some function down there.

I really wish I could get GCS. I need to go full time first. Then I need to win the lottery....

Quote from: CosmicJoke on February 08, 2015, 09:55:54 PM
I just cannot stop thinking about it. I want one so badly. I feel like I will finally get to be happy once I feel like I am in the right body.
I have been trying to tell myself that it's not as important or significant to me as it really is, but I only feel like I'm denying it. I had a bilateral orchiectomy done in September of 2013. I made a very successful transition. People see a beautiful woman in me, but there's still that depression.
I have been on a spiritual path for about
the past 5 yrs. I had an awakening when I was about 19. I started living as female when I was about 18 and right out of high school.
I have done so much after the spiritual awakening. I've been denying the necessity of the gender reassignment surgery the whole time.
I feel like I've more than achieved the ability to go out into society as female, but I feel like my transition has hit a doldrum.
Can anyone here understand? Also, anyone who has already been post op, the input would be greatly appreciated.

What you describe is exactly how I felt pre-op. I know how exactly you feel. Despite having a pretty successful transition and people telling me oh your pretty, etc. there was still that emptiness in me.  I didn't feel complete and had that depression deep down. I just had SRS and so far, I do not regret it. It definetly help.

interesting post... unlike cosmicjoke, i do not lust after a vag (although that would be lovely if the planets aligned) but i do after breasts. and what mm is suggesting is definitely doable. i am on low dose hrt as i also do not want to lose functionality but i do want to be a 'softer' female.
i wear a bra as much as i can, not because i have to yet but because i enjoy the support and feel both physically and emotionally. i already have natural A/B cups  and i must say seeing cleavage, even if still small, is heavenly...
stryker, if your wife wants you to have boobs, go for it! start low and see where it goes.

Quote from: CosmicJoke on February 08, 2015, 09:55:54 PM
I just cannot stop thinking about it. I want one so badly. I feel like I will finally get to be happy once I feel like I am in the right body.
I have been trying to tell myself that it's not as important or significant to me as it really is, but I only feel like I'm denying it. I had a bilateral orchiectomy done in September of 2013. I made a very successful transition. People see a beautiful woman in me, but there's still that depression.
I have been on a spiritual path for about
the past 5 yrs. I had an awakening when I was about 19. I started living as female when I was about 18 and right out of high school.
I have done so much after the spiritual awakening. I've been denying the necessity of the gender reassignment surgery the whole time.
I feel like I've more than achieved the ability to go out into society as female, but I feel like my transition has hit a doldrum.
Can anyone here understand? Also, anyone who has already been post op, the input would be greatly appreciated.

I have said it many times in the past on this forum, and I am about to say it again Whatever anyone else's view of SRS surgery is fine, but for me, it cured my gender dysphoria. It's as simple as that. I knew I should have been born a girl. I did a gender transition and had all of the usual laundry list of surgeries and I am happier than a pig in slop now. As soon as that one particular surgery was over and my every day life started to recover from surgical aftercare I found that I had changed, psychically. I feel like I had focus on my life and wanted to fill every second with wonder and happiness . It was really quite profound how it changed me. It wasn't right away because, as I'm sure any other post-op will tell you, there is a lot of work to be done immediately after the surgery for one's own health and the health of the new lady bits. Thankfully it starts to die down after a while and life begins to go back to normal. It was when life was going to back to normal is when I noticed that I had changed, but for the better. All I can say for me, is that it worked. I came out a happier, better adjusted, more social, more fun person than how I started.

I have always had issue with my male genitalia, so much so that it impacted my marriage in terms of intimacy very greatly.

I too feel that what's down there "had to go" and am planning to do exactly that later this year.

It's a shame we can't just switch equipment, I certainly don't want my vagina.

I find it very interesting to read the various replies to this topic and descriptions of our wide range of dysphorias about our birth defect, I am still so amazed at how much variety we are burdened with and how we get past these events and things daily.
for me every part of my body that does not align with my brain causes an anxiety atack now that leaves me quivering in a corner or covered in hives. I am on a waiting list for my SRS but that could be as much as a year out scheduled right now for 2-2015.
every day since beginning my real life things get better but so many of those triggers are still so present. i wish god speed for those whom may need to move to that level of physical adjustment to find peace until and after that day. we have so many blessings and so many curses it just seems crazy some days. but with no doubt every step and every sunrise I know I am a better person and at last moving forward with my life.

xo Jerri