(Edited to add a TRIGGER WARNING that this topic does stray into talk of self harm.)

I shouldn't still be struggling with this issue after so long, but it's started to bother me once again.  As someone who was a late arrival to the transgender party (although I knew something was amiss from an earlyish age), I'm not entirely convinced that I have to be a girl, and perhaps I merely want to be a girl.  Were it something I have to be – something so fundamental to my very existence – surely this path would have been stumbled upon far earlier in life?  But instead, I find myself looking back and seeing someone who so badly wanted to be a girl, but who knew deep down that he was a boy.  In other words, I don't see myself as a "girl trapped in a boy's body", but perhaps more of a "boy who would much rather be a girl."

Does it matter?  Well, on a practical level, apparently not at the moment; things are progressing fairly rapidly, and the transition is keeping me busy and engaged.  But later in life, when the electrolysis has been completed, hair grown out, the boobs and curves no longer a source of interest, the therapy and FFS and GRS just memories, and the legalities and social issues worked through, I'm concerned that I'll sit back and realize that this was all a long, expensive journey I volunteered for but didn't have to take, rather than a journey that I couldn't live without having taken.  And that my justification for transition might make the destination a far less attractive place to be without that fundamental belief that I was born a girl, instead of just wanting to be one.  I worry I'll get to the finish line (if such a thing exists) and say, "Enjoyed the ride, but now what?", instead of sitting back and finally feeling a huge sense of relief that something deep within me has been fixed.

Thoughts on this?  Is there really much of a difference between having to transition and wanting to transition?  Just semantics, or a sign of a need for increased caution in the pace at which I move forward?

Or a sign that I should just take my estradiol and spiro and stop overthinking things?

well, I one of the ones that knew since very early on where I truly belonged , so I don't know, you just need to take a day at a time and if GRS is approaching that's when you really need to figure out what you want because that's pretty much totally nonreversible .

For me it's an eventual have to. It's eating me up that I can't go quicker but have to live with the cards that have been dealt. Plus my current living situation also hinders things. I'm making progress and have a relatively good group of people around me. Just have to take things one step at a time.

There might be a difference.

Not everyone has dysphoria to the point of being suicidal. But those who do need to transition in my opinion. The others could probably survive without it. Either way though I don't think there will be regret. I mean there may be a few who regret but if transition is carefully considered I don't think there will be regret.

Ive had this same issue as of late.  I've asked myself if it was a real "need basis"  I guess things would be easier if i just let it go, but i remember that really i would never be able to really do that.  I am looking to get my first hair removal appointment in the next few weeks.  I am also starting to look into voice therapy and these things that i need to take care of if i am going to to successfully transition.

Do i need to transition?  Maybe not....but this is something that has been in my head my entire life and will never go away...

I'm actually on the other side of the very same fence. I feel pretty much exactly like you do.. however, I'm currently not on HRT and living 98% male mode. I have almost started transitioning countless times in the past 6 years, and I've 'wanted' to be a girl for as long as I can remember, since my early teens at the very least. But I'm not suicidal, and I'm not convinced I ever will be, even if I have to live the rest of my life male.

And so I haven't transitioned. Even though the issue is eating me up weekly, and possibly causing me to be introverted and depressed. Should I have transitioned ages ago? Should I transition now? Probably, but I honestly don't know. If it was a matter of going down to the clinic and asking for hormones, I definitely would have. But it's not that easy (in my country anyway), and so I hesitate.. because I too have doubts. I want to be female, with every fiber of my being. But I don't think I need to be female.

And I really don't know if that distinction is important or not.

This has been my struggle since I was a very young child.  I always thought I have to be more. I'm supposed to be a boy, I can't be drawn into other things.....I've gone through  wife and kids, done my duty but still, keep being drawn to the other side and the more I explore it the more I see.... the more I feel...the at peace I am with it.  That's why I need to be at least trying to explore that side, and now that I've actually given in, started hrt around christmas, I feel peace inside, pure panic socially as i am not out yet, but peace in my soul, maybe that says everything I need. As changes begin i will be tested. Im wondering if ill pass that test. 

It's not like I wanted to be female nor did I particularly want to transition.

I AM female and it finally got to where I HAD to either transition, go crazy, or continure drinking myself to death.   

Actually, adding to my last post, clearly I do feel like it's an important distinction,  since I am fighting it. I'm just not sure if I'm right to lol

However much I might feel like I don't belong as a male, and think I would find peace of mind if I was female.. I'm not sure if that would be the case. And then I look at all these other people who are so sure, to the point of ending their lives.....

Quote from: ImagineKate on February 10, 2015, 08:31:57 PM
There might be a difference.

Not everyone has dysphoria to the point of being suicidal. But those who do need to transition in my opinion. The others could probably survive without it. Either way though I don't think there will be regret. I mean there may be a few who regret but if transition is carefully considered I don't think there will be regret.

I feel that if there is any doubt whatsoever, SRS should not be considered. There used to be a member on this site that went through with SRS when she had doubt, and she was consumed with regret.

Quote from: missymay on February 10, 2015, 10:49:46 PM
I feel that if there is any doubt whatsoever, SRS should not be considered. There used to be a member on this site that went through with SRS when she had doubt, and she was consumed with regret.

True. Gatekeeping is good in that regard. However this conflicts with my inner beliefs that humans should be truly free to decide. That said WPATH standards are a good safeguard. Sure some may slip through but the majority who are cleared for SRS are happy. I have a ways to go so I'm taking it one day at a time. I will say this though. SRS was optional for me at one point but now as I get deeper into transition it is something I truly am considering very seriously. The need to be complete is basically it'.

I echo the sentiments here around need vs want.  Does it mean I have a 'minor' form of GID because I don't feel so bad that I hurt myself?  It's mostly been a matter of, "can't do anything about it".  At least that was a major defense for me.  I've fought this since forever.  In fact when I started therapy I asked the therapist if there was any reasonable cure (aversion therapy is NOT reasonable).  As everybody already knows though, when you got it, you got it.  Welcome to the sisterhood.  I want this but it's beyond inconvenient in what it does to your life and loved ones.

The thing is, when I just let myself be "me" and I step out ... I'm happier than I have ever been.  It's a lot like I have been holding a huge weight and when I stop doing that it just feels good.  I mean it feels good in a way that I can't remember ever feeling.  I can't ever go back to before even if I still live most of my days as a mostly male.  I need to do that much to keep my marriage going.  For me it's simple math.  I lose more if I lose my wife than I gain if I go all the way over to full girl.  Love is a funny thing. 

Still, that distinction between need and want gets me.  My doubts are largely centered around the damage I would do to my loved ones and family if I go all the way.   My doc says that it doesn't mean I don't have GID but rather it means that I am considerate of others (she's sweet and knows I like a compliment)  I like that spin on it but I worry some because I'm currently able to walk the line and don't HAVE to change or die trying.  Does that make me not trans?  I don't think so but yea... it makes me worry.

Anyhow, I mostly wanted to raise my hand and say, "Me too!" and explain a little of what I feel. 

if i didnt need to i wouldnt be here.

The question of 'need' only makes sense to me in a life or death context. What is need? Do I need my legs? Well, technically, no.

For some people it is transition or death. In that case, yes, I think you must transition. You owe it to yourself to at least try to survive.

Is that the only experience that is valid? Absolutely not. Everyone should act according to what makes them happy. If it makes you happy to transition, do it!

For me its the prospect of having to reinvent yourself. HRT wouldn't be enough; SRS wouldn't be enough; for me it has to be the complete package or I feel like I wouldn't be happy.

Not to sound vane, but I have an attractive male physique and face (albeit it needs work due to 2 divorces and 4 children, lol). Replacing that with an equally attractive female version, to me, will be difficult. Going from turbo masculine alpha (I'm living a lie that I've built for over 15 years as a way to hide how I really feel) to girly girl southern bell won't happen over night and its depressing and makes me seriously question things.

At the end of the day, as another poster stated, once you're in it you're in it. To me that means once that thought creeps into your consciousness and you begin acting on it by making changes there is no going back. Something I've always taken stock in is, "never second guess yourself."

Sorry for the rant. There are people out there that live quite happily with one foot in, one foot out; HRT with no surgery of any kind is always an option.

I definitely think there is a difference between want and need. I've always known I am a woman but was always perceived to be a man. I got tired of this situation at a very young age but never knew what I could do about it and when I did find out what options I had in later life I was scared out of taking those options by how I believed I would be treated. Eventually the fear of mis treatment was allot less than my upset at being seen as something I wasn't. I've never considered even for a split second doing myself harm because I knew there was an alternative even if that scared me. My desire to live is allot stronger than my fear of mistreatment and no matter how bad it gets my determination to succeed is allot stronger than anybody else's determination to stop me

I can understand people who have doubts not transitioning and I think they're right. Unless you go somewhere that you are unknown in having a trial transition full time is something you'll never be able to disassociate yourself from so unless you are at the stage of needing to instead of wanting to see if it works my advice would always be don't do it until you are certain you need to. I considered transition twice in the past and was told for differing reasons it wouldn't be a good idea. Once a doctor replied to my comment "I think I'm a woman" with "well if you only think you're a woman you should stick to cross dressing and have some fun with that" The 2nd time it was a well known Gender Psychiatrist in UK who told me " You're transgendered but as you have a wife and family as well as a stable job and you won't make a particularly attractive woman my advice is that you don't do anything about it" When I couldn't take anymore of this being seen as male, I told my family doctor "I'm a woman and I want everyone else to see that" Nearly 10 years later I'm there and pass ok mostly and am weeks away from SRS.

If you can find a reason to stay your birth gender that you can live with then I'd say it's want not need but that doesn't mean you're not trans just that you should give careful thought about transitioning

I'm not trying to upset anybody or make out like I'm a super shrink, I just suffered allot to get here and if something i say stops someone suffering then I'll take that as a success

Hugs

Sorcha 

Interesting thread Brenda, love it

I fully agree there is a difference, its subtle, because the wants and needs can blur and become the same.

I have known I have been a female in a male body for 50 odd years. Because for a massive proportion of those years I could not become what I knew I should have been and wanted to be; I managed it and tried to be wholly male, inside it was eating me up... but it was managed. Could it still be managed; possibly, but I want to transition, I need to transition because I do not want to die unfulfilled...

Need is driven by something; a burning desire, a condition, forced to do something, timeline in a series of events to meet a final point... Want is an; I wish, have a choice but want it, seek the unattainable... I experience both and juggled these in the past.

Most of us want to become a woman/female/girl, some of us also have certain needs too; if I don't I'll destroy myself... often the want drives the needs e.g. I want to be female, to do that I need to do etc...

Over the last 20 years the drive to become female has become almost obsessive over the last few years, so I went on HRT just over 10 years ago (slow process at my age), am I ready to fulfil my desires, nearly there from being able to look who I am, I do need to still do some feminizing things... but above all I need to come out. The latter has now become almost 90% consuming of my thought processes... So I want to and I need to... there are alternatives... I have to qualify these too based on level of inflicted pain on those that are closest to me.

So I have always wanted to, I knew at some point that I needed too... Its here!

For those that want to but have doubts, do need help... but having said that only you know who you are and want you want. So you need to determine either now or live a life of wanting to!

By the way Sorcha your therapists seem to have been blunt or flippant.... early on

GRS/SRS are of course a matter of choice, Gender ID on state documents are a must, unless you are lucky enough to have been given a unisex or female name, else you will always be the target of others and if you travel a lot you could end up in an unfriendly country where tolerance is just not there...

Just the thoughts of a person with 90% of her mind somewhere else 

L Katy 

Quote from: missymay on February 10, 2015, 10:49:46 PM
I feel that if there is any doubt whatsoever, SRS should not be considered. There used to be a member on this site that went through with SRS when she had doubt, and she was consumed with regret.

I've read stories and stats that suggest there are some who regret the surgery. I cannot imagine it, thinking the the whole process and all and the surgery, only to regret it. Is it a case of misdiagnosing the dysphoria?

I have asked myself the same question a lot lately. I always get back to the conclusion that I am moving forward in the right direction because I feel so much better, physically mentally and emotionally and that it would be foolish to deny myself. I have known who I truly am since a young age but built a huge persona of denial.I am finally at place where I'm OK being me and I have no intentions of going back

"I have asked myself the same question a lot lately. I always get back to the conclusion that I am moving forward in the right direction because I feel so much better, physically mentally and emotionally and that it would be foolish to deny myself. I have known who I truly am since a young age but built a huge persona of denial.I am finally at place where I'm OK being me and I have no intentions of going back"

I feel the exact same.

if i could click my fingers and be a normal 32yr old woman right now i would. am i willing to put up with the (really not that bad) hassle to get there. yes. time flies. its surprisingly fun. life feels worth living. i feel whole for the first time. i dont want live another day knowing i couldve but i didnt.

its a project, itll take years, but it feels fantastic to finally be doing it. im so glad im doing it. its fun as hell btw.
meanwhile life goes on, only no scary secret or forbidden desires to obsess over and make me stressed and depressed. i need to transition and i want to transition, but as it takes a while, might as well get on with it and enjoy the ride!
xxx