I'm still very confused, so please dont judge me on the mixed used of pronouns and what not.

Last week, my wife of 4 years came out to me. He is a FTM transman. The way that he told me was via txt message, and misunderstood his intentions. I thought he was telling me that he was transitioning, and leaving me. This came as a very hard blow to me as we had just started recovering from an affair he had last year. Forgiving him for that was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I did, and I knew that it was the right thing to do. When he came out, I genuinely freaked out. I was angry. I felt like I had been used. I thought he didnt want me. After a day or two of talking with him, I realized that I had misunderstood. His intention wasnt to leave me. But he felt like I had betrayed him. I was supposed to the be the one person on this earth that had his back no matter what. I let him down. It took me days of talking to him to come to this understanding.

When I finally understood what I had done, I apologized. Sincerely. I am racked with the guilt of all the pain I've caused him. I am so very sorry, words cant even express. I wanted to make up for it, to show him that it wasnt his transition that bothered me, but the idea that he was going to end our marriage. My problem is, for days, he's said that he didnt know if he could forgive me or not. Yesterday, he told me that this marriage wasnt going to work. He isnt going to forgive me.

Is there anything I can do? I told him that I was going to keep trying, but I fear that he is going to kick me out before I get the chance.
What can I do? Is there any hope for my marriage?

Do I even deserve his forgiveness?

Well as an outsider to your relationship I may have the wrong idea here, so please forgive me if my comments are out of line.

But are you sure you even want his forgiveness?

You're the one person who's supposed to have his back no matter what, but where's the reciprocation? He cheated on you last year and told you he's trans via txt msg? That's...an odd choice for someone trying to make a life together with their partner. To me it sounds like he already checked out of your marriage a while ago and is looking for an excuse to blame you for ending it.

You were working on incomplete information. It was an honest mistake for which you feel awful and have done your best to make amends. Or perhaps he realized he could shift the blame for the end of the relationship to you and altered his story a bit over time?

I know it hurts and it's scary, but you need to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. As for what "the best" entails, that's up to you but it sounds like you're more of an emotional hostage than a life partner. The sun does not rise and set with him, no matter how much it may seem that way. Is this marriage really worth saving? Is staying with this person in your best interest? Or his?

Where there is smoke there is fire.

He cheated on you and then came out to you via a text message.

Cheating is forgivable if the person is truly sorry about what they did; many relationships have survived cheating with open and honest communication.

Coming out via a text message leaves LOTS of room for misinterpretation, and I feel that it shows a lack of respect for you and an attempt to avoid personal confrontation with you. An honorable person would have sat down with you and would have had an open and honest talk with you about what was going on with them; it's simply the right way to handle something this huge. Instead you get a text message, which to me is a very poor move, and then you get blamed for misunderstanding it which just adds on to the missteps your partner is making,

I'm with Idon'tEven - your partner may have checked out of the marriage a while ago and is now looking for a way to put the blame on you. It seems to me that you and not your partner are the injured party in this deal.

Your partner has decided, after all he did to you, to hold YOU accountable for a misinterpretation of some poor communication that HE did, and has refused to accept your explanation. This is something that waves huge red flags to me about your relationship - relationships should be a give and take, but your relationship seems very one sided where you are expected to do all of the giving and he is going to do all of the taking.

Of course I don't know you personally and I'm only going off of what you have told us and I could be entirely wrong (and if I am I apologize). I sincerely hope that he will see that he's stepped off on the wrong foot and he will apologize and make things right. But based on what you have said - I would not count on him doing so.

I think it is wonderful that you are willing to support your s/o in his transitioning. I am sorry but your marriage sounds rather one sided, you s/o cheats on you and you are expected to forgive and trust him again but when you misunderstand a text he sent he doesn't have to forgive you

I am sure that even the most supportive s/o here would have initially reacted poorly if their partner came out in a text to them especially if it came out of the blue.

I would tell you this if your partner was cis (non transgendered) and I will tell you now, perhaps you might want to re-evaluate your marriage. Wanting to be there to support him through this rough time is wonderful but you are an equal partner in the marriage, you deserve respect as well which it seems like you aren't getting.

If you can find your happiness in your marriage then by all means try to find a way to make it work but I would think a lot about how your partner treats you and how that makes you feel.

As for your question of do you even deserve forgiveness, absolutely. Many here would love to have a partner like you, misunderstanding aside it sounds like you are supportive.

I agree with the others here that you aren't the one should be concerned about forgiveness.  The only thing you did "wrong" was make some assumptions based off a text message.  Who comes out via text message?  And to their SO?  That's wrong on so many levels.  And after cheating on you, I would find that unforgivable.

You are being too hard on yourself.  I feel like you're being manipulated into thinking this is your fault when it clearly isn't.  You are being the understanding one. Heck you're here looking for answers, using the right pronouns! 

If you want the marriage to last, you'll need counseling.  If he won't go, go yourself and work on yourself.  It's going to be tough, but remember you didn't do anything wrong here.  Good luck. 

Thank you all for your thoughts.

After a very hard day today, I realized that nothing I can do is going to be enough. He has put me through so much, and I have tried to adapt at every turn. At first he was mad becuase I used verbage like, "I can do this" as an insult. He wanted "I want to do this" from me, in an instant. When I apologized for giving him the feeling that I wasnt supportive, he responded with, "I dont think I can forgive this". Now that he is finally coming out to his family, he tells them that we are "working on things", then turns around and says says he told them that we "have decided to separate" neither which is true.

When he completely changed his story, literally in the same sentance when speaking to me, I realize that he is going to spin his reality any way that he needs to to feel like he is right. He thinks himself taking the high road, he thinks himself as being a victim of my cruelty, and he is now trying to convince everyone that hes not the one that wants to end our marriage.

I've been reading up on a form on emotional abuse called, gaslighting. Theres no way for me to win. I cant change enough to suit his needs, he changes his reality of what happened in the past, and sometimes he even changes what I said to him!

He has finally gotten around to being strait forward about one thing. He doesnt want the relationship with me. His reasons change from blaming me for not supporting him, to accusing me of some kind of wrong doing when I forgave him when he cheated.

I'm so lost everyone. I believe that no matter what you try to make things work in a marriage. So I am having a very difficult time changing from, "loving no matter what" to the reality of, "I need to take care of myself right now"

Thank you again, everyone for your support. I'm sure some of you have an idea what its like to be stuck in a house with someone, yet be all alone.

I hate to say it, but I agree with what others here have said - it sounds like he's been planning this for awhile, and is trying to place the blame on you. 

Anyway, you needn't ask for his forgiveness - you did nothing wrong. If anything, he's the one who should be asking for forgiveness.

Yes, transition is scary and frustrating and confusing.. If I were in a relationship and announced that I planned on transitioning, I know I'd be terrified that my partner would leave me. But you obviously want to make things work with him, and yet he treats you like this? It isn't fair to you.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give, but I sincerely hope it works out for you.. whether you decide to leave or stay. Finding love is hard enough - and it's 10 times harder when you're trans. I don't think he realizes just how lucky he is.

I agree with others that say it's utterly ridiculous to place "misunderstood a text message" on the same level as cheating on you. (And that it's an easily misunderstood method of communication, so if he wanted to be 100% certain things were clear, he could've told you face to face...) You don't deserve to have to grovel for his forgiveness over an honest mistake.

Hugs take care of yourself right now. Your partner has no right to abuse you in this way, make sure you find what is right for you. There is a difference between being supportive and being abused.

I was actually going to say that this reminded me a great deal of gaslighting (my mother is an expert), and there's nothing you can do to convince someone who is living in their own version of reality and hell-bent on making *you* believe their lies are truth. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

And yes, expecting "I want to do this" where that means "I'm eager to turn my life upside down and make myself miserable" is ridiculous; there's wanting you to be supportive and then there's expecting the unreasonable.

"Gaslighting" jumped into my head also.

Call me an old dinosaur but dropping the T-Bomb on an SO CAN NOT be done any other way except face to face. Even then it is nearly impossible to pull off elegantly and with clarity. There is WAY too much that can be left open for wild imaginations and misunderstanding via text, even email. No back and forth, no question/answers.

Well unless of course you want it to be that way in order to place the blame elsewhere for you doing what you were going to do.

Thank you all for the comments, you have no idea how much just getting it out there helps. I hate thinking of my s/o as abusive. Maybe I've been just pushing too hard, and not really dealing with how I feel about the whole thing.

He does not trust that I can handle this. And I find myself going back and forth with being okay too. Is this normal? I am I just rushing myself? I want to be the most supportive person he's ever seen, but I fear that I'm not going to be allowed to show how I feel if I'm anything less than extatic.

Quote from: SG0925 on February 12, 2015, 12:10:27 AM
Thank you all for the comments, you have no idea how much just getting it out there helps. I hate thinking of my s/o as abusive. Maybe I've been just pushing too hard, and not really dealing with how I feel about the whole thing.

He does not trust that I can handle this. And I find myself going back and forth with being okay too. Is this normal? I am I just rushing myself? I want to be the most supportive person he's ever seen, but I fear that I'm not going to be allowed to show how I feel if I'm anything less than extatic.

First of all he can't pretend for you to be ok with it right away if he came out to you via text message,  you should be able to ask him questions when he is ready, and if he come out to you then he should be ready, and via message... Well it's ok, but then he should be able to have a conversation about it. Don't fake it, if you're not happy with it, tell him, don't be afraid of starting a new life, you should not be forced to stay with something you don't want to be part of, and I understand you want to be supportive, but you two can just be friends as well... He doesn't seem the best person, but if you two worked the affair out, and you still want to be next to him, let him know, and if he still doesn't want you around, then you need to understand that transition is a very complicate process especially in the begin, and he might want to be left alone, and understand his feelings first. I'm lucky enough that I am in high school, and in a stage of my life, when I am not supposed to be married or have other issues like that besides family stuff which is awful still, but I have the freedom to transition by myself, without a partner... Sometimes a partner is not the best during transition... So yeah, Good luck!

Yes, that is perfectly normal! In fact, being depressed/stressed/terrified/miserable is normal, early on. Once again, he's setting the bar too high, and making you believe it - "ecstatic" is quite frankly too much to ask of anyone who isn't the person transitioning. (I'm sure it happens, but that's NOT normal, in the sense that it's very rare.) You're loving and supportive and want to make the relationship work; that's all he can ask for, and considerably more than a lot of transitioning people get.

Honestly...Your S/O sounds like he's projecting all of his insecurity onto you.
I'm all for blindly supporting someone transitioning, but this is far less about his transition, and far more about how he seems to have made up his mind, and will spin this however he can to make sure you're the enemy and bad person.
And excuse me, but...who comes out to an intimate partner via text message? That sounds so...cold. At least write an email.

I think at this point, gaslighting is highly accurate, and you should consider whether you want to push through this and keep trying to work with him as your husband, or whether you want to try to make the goal staying friends, or simply separating.
Because it sounds like he's not exactly the most respectful person when it comes to relationships, and if he's acting like this with you, it might be time to do some strong reexamination.

If you do want to still be with him in any respect, I'd suggest trying to sit down and talk to him 1 on 1, and discuss your options together as best you can, and explain to him that you need this conversation to be neutral and calm. Because yelling matches wont go anywhere, but you'd really like to make this work somehow.

I just want to say that my SO came out to me as a transsexual by textmessage, and of course I was chocked and had 1000 questions. But we talked about it when I came home from work. I think I just want to say that, after all your comments I realised that I wish she had came out to me eye to eye, but I understand that it was too scary for her to do. It doesn't have to result in a lot of misunderstandings, but this text clearly did lead to that. 

You are responsible for only the 50 percent of your own relationship...anything above that level hurts. Get to 50%... Your partner is under 50%....

I realize I'm a bit late to offer advice, but noticed there weren't a lot of voices offering how to work toward staying together.  It seems that the OP wants to do that, based on their posts.

I learned through trial and error applying conflict resolution methods and conflict avoidance techniques in my own relationship.  Thankfully, I'm not with her anymore, because of how abusive she was.  But I managed to make it last for four less than ideal years, due to sheer determination, and maybe love as well.  I don't want you to infer that I'm implying that your relationship is the same, if it were, my only advice would be; run far, and run fast.  Look up malignant narcissists, and if he matches, leave and don't look back.  One doesn't have to have high self esteem to be self absorbed and lack empathy.


After I was cheated on, I noticed a counterintuitive trust imbalance.  She expected repercussions.  I just loved her and slowly got over it, and I think that bothered her more than me just breaking up with her or cheating in response.  It's entirely possible that your S/O is similarly expecting the worst from you because he's still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My favorite less than helpful ear-worm, "A cheetah's gonna cheat."  The 'Why?' tends to be a bit more arcane than "Because it's who they are."  But I still like the saying.  And to this day, I haven't stayed with another person who cheats on me or is abusive.  But I am single...[emoji19]

In order to manage someone who gaslights, you may have to become comfortable with manipulation.  I liken it to preemptive firefighting.  Discuss problems in public, loudly if you have to.  Being "that couple" is uncomfortable, but prevents the S/O from acting out.  When you are alone, find ways to sidetrack or distract him before and when he becomes manic.  As he will likely be more amicable in public than privately, to save face.  Find help with his family, they can be remarkable at intervening and correcting erratic behavior.

When you try to discuss a tender subject, it's best to use active tenses and action words (especially with men).  By saying "I can try," you are giving room for interpretation as to why you may fail. Instead you could say, "I want to be with you.  This situation was unexpected and is trying, and I will do what's necessary to understand.  I never imagined being in a heterosexual relationship at this point in my life, but I love and accept you no matter how you label yourself."  It isn't bad to bring up your emotions, but making yourself clear when you have conflicting emotional responses is difficult and tedious and may require a captive and cooperative audience.

But by sticking to the realm of what you want and how you feel, it gives the other person less room to misinterpret your words and meanings.  Nevertheless, body language and tone make up around 70% of what people hear.  Make sure you have as much eye contact as possible, an open posture, and a calm soothing tone helps a lot as well. Touch, i.e. holding their hand shoulder or knee can convey very intimately your acceptance of the other person.  Think of it as a confident portrayal of your intentions.  After they know and feel your acceptance, then you can elucidate your misgivings.

Remember that you are not alone, and that your family, friends and in-laws can help.  Whether they are serving as arbiters during spousal debate, to just taking your mind off your problems for a bit, they are an invaluable and often overlooked resource.  Don't be afraid to ask for help or advice, if not simply a sympathetic ear.


Lastly, a lot of what I went over is worst case scenario advice.  I hope and want to reiterate that I'm probably reading too much into things and applying my jaded views.  I have gone over this post a couple times to soften it, but don't know how to make the harshness more palatable.

I hope internalized transphobia is the reason for his being so erratic, and that there aren't other reasons or substances responsible.  I hope that you can regain stable and loving communication with him.  And finally I hope that you retain hope in the relationship's success.

If you ever feel exasperated, give him space and do something fun or productive to take your mind off of it.  Try not to rely on him, and maybe by letting him find himself first, you will be able to meet the more authentic version of him that you fell for originally.  Don't be hard on yourself, it's a difficult situation and there is no perfect response to the text: "BTW I'm transgender j/k, no really I am... [emoji22]". He's going to need to figure his stuff out just as much, as there's no perfect way to be trans or disclose.

Forgive yourself for not being perfect.  If he doesn't forgive you, F him.
Hope this helps,


     Hugs,
- Katie
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If you see a counselor possibly. You are each juggling too many balls and need a middle voice... imho.


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I can only speak from personal experience but I have a really difficult time when it comes to confrontation or talking to someone when the subject matter is important. Unfortunately communicating with text is hard to read emotions.  It might be good to have a conversation about expectations. To me it sounds like a big misunderstanding. Give it some time and talk about it when emotions aren't running so high.