I have an appointment to start  HRT on March 19th. I am so EXCITED, but my wife is not wanting me to make these changes, as she said that she could not go with me and then ten minutes later said that maybe she should go so that she can voice her opinion to the doctor. this was two weeks ago, now that I made the appointment She says that she wants to go so that she can hear what the doctor has to say, and ask what kind of changes she can expect to see in her "husband". In order for her to go I will have to move my appointment out for another 15 to 30 days. I am ready to start  hormones and do not feel it is fundamental for me to wait. I believe that this is just another stall tactic to postpone this process.

So all that being said, I need some advice as to what you think you would do if you were in my shoes. Just remember my wife and I are still in love with one another, although I do know that our love has changed.

Hypothetically, if my ex wife had shown some interest or had questions, and if, I had any interest in still being married, I would have had her attend therapy with me. I would have encouraged her to go to the therapist by herself. That way, it'd be an opportunity to hopefully chat in the open in front of someone who counsels couples.

Personaly i would go through your first appoint alone. We all deserve personsl space.

How about next on/gyn appointment you go with her to discuss her hormonal issues.

Support is important yes, is what she is giving support?

Hugs

i only wish my wife would show interest in getting information about how HRT will affect me and us as a couple.
i worry that she will be in for a rude awakening once i begin changing so much and will not be as supportive about it as she is at the moment.
So if it was me, yes i would wait the extra couple of weeks if it meant she would come with me.

Davida, after you start HRT, how long will it be until you go back to review the results of your post-HRT bloodtest?

That appointment would also be a good opportunity for your wife to talk to the doctor, and there will be a lot more factual information to discuss.

Maybe propose this as an alternative to keep the peace?

Reading your post I think you are saying that you wish to go through your transition with your wife's support and that you will both continue to love one another. If tat is so, then I think a 15 to 30 day wait is a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness together.
Ciara.

I'm inclined to agree with those who have advised including the Mrs in the process - at least to begin with.  My wonderful spouse came to my first few endocrinology appointments (as well as attending therapy sessions with me), until she tired of how uninteresting they actually were and realized that there was no need to be worried or suspicious of my therapist and endocrinologist.

Reschedule (once).  Two weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things, although those two weeks will feel like two years.  Discuss beforehand what you're going to say to the doctor, what you're going to be asking for, and make sure that she's okay with that.  You two need to be on the same page before you walk into the appointment - there is no room for disagreement, surprise, or uncertainty in front of the doc.

My wife and I went over how things would go that first time.  Although I would have asked for a transitioning dose immediately, we had agreed that taking it slow was the best plan to begin with.  We both knew what I would be requesting in terms of medication - a conservative dose, then ramping up over time (incidentally, the standard way my endo did things, but we didn't know that beforehand.)  And it went well - she was not surprised by anything that came out of my mouth, the endo highly appreciated her being there and asking questions, and everyone was happy.

Keeping my wife involved in the process removed any sense that I was working against her, acting secretly behind her back, or excluding her from my life in any way.  Having a supportive spouse is wonderful, but it also requires maintenance.  Each one of these steps in transition - coming out, therapy, first endo appointment etc. - is a huge change in the relationship for her, and even though we tend to think of these milestones as exciting, spouses are often extremely worried about what the future will hold as transition progresses and becomes an increasingly physical/medical undertaking.  Make sure that you let her be there - not just so that she can support you, but so that you can support her.

Of course, if it does turn into a clear stalling tactic, then the discussion changes.  But give her the benefit of the doubt.

All the best.  It'll go just fine.

I have been in those shoes, what it came down to was that I needed to transition and could not let other people stand in my way. With my wife each new step I took  was removing her husband, the man she loved, further away from her. Why would she want to be supportive of that? 

Wow, so much info. All of your replies are greatly appreciated and informative. I like the thought that she is trying to be supportive, but with some of the statements she has made " I need to go with you so the doctor can hear my disapproval" kinda concerns me. Now however she says that she wants to ask questions as to what changes she can expect in her " husband". I want to let her into this aspect of my life but it seem that every time I open up to her we argue and I am tired of this and just need the stress to end.

I like the idea of going alone and then letting her go when I return for per HRT results, as Eveline stated above there would be more factual information and the doctor would be able to answer her questions more precisely.

Quote from: Davida on February 13, 2015, 01:34:30 PM" I need to go with you so the doctor can hear my disapproval" kinda concerns me.

That would concern me too.  If she's explicitly stated that she's going for the purpose of trying to sabotage your efforts, I'd go without her.  There's a big difference between a cautiously supportive spouse and one who is actively trying to keep you from transitioning.  The former can be persuaded to see how important transition is, while the latter will destroy you and your marriage - although they may genuinely think that they're helping - but they simply don't understand how serious and destructive untreated and repressed gender dysphoria can be.

Go by yourself or it will turn into a debate and not a medical appointment for HRT. This is one step that should be done alone. There is plenty of information here and on the internet for HRTs anticipated effects.

I recommend confirming her intent and then deciding based on her answer. 30 days is nothing to wait but sabotage is not constructive.

Agreed with at least honoring the first request to postpone. If she postpones after that it is likely a stall tactic.

Mine went with me once to therapy and never to the doctor. She didn't stop me though. I do my primary care with HRT so unless she wants to see me get seriously ill and relapse into misery she wouldn't oppose me. Without medical attention I had a host of issues. Once I saw a doctor I got them all under control. So it's kind of good the way I do HRT the way I do. Tie it up all together. It has many advantages including them adjusting spiro, E and other meds to work together plus I have no excuse to not go.

My ex showed absolutely no interest in taking with my therapist even though I begged her to go and if she didn't want to go to my therapist she could go to one of her own. Nope. Would not consider it, didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to acknowledge it - and I think that's part of the reason we split up. Her lack of understanding of my situation led to all kinds of accusations later on and some ugly scenes between us. I wish she had shown some interest about what was happening with me but she refused to get involved.

Your wife on the other hand is showing interest but we don't know for what reason. Is she wanting to fight with your doctor, or is it a stalling tactic, or maybe she needs this information to help her make the choices she needs to make? You are married to her and the both of you will be transitioning together if you stay together, so it's only fair for you to reschedule the appointment (only one time) and see what her reaction is to your willingness to accommodate her. She's involved in this too like it or not.

I don't know your situation but I'd guess that she's probably terrified of the future and is in despair about what she sees in the future for your relationship. Give her the two week delay; two weeks is nothing in the scheme of things and your relationship is worth the delay.

 Well again thanks for you thoughts and advice, as always they are helpful in making my decisions. We (my wife and I) had a civil conversation yesterday evening For the first time in about three weeks. We decided that I will keep my appointment as scheduled, understanding that there will be no Prescriptions or any change in what I am doing at this time, and she will attend the next appointment, which I will set for after the first of the month so that she can go. with no issues at her job. 

Izzy you crack me up.    30 days is not the issue it is just a bleep on the radar.  Use it to try to build the understanding and maybe buy her some books and read together so when she goes into the doctor it will be more informative vs shock value.  Lord. Why don't people choose to read I will never know. Just enough opinions to understand the language the effects and all.  Good luck in taking a decision.  I hope all works out. 


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Here is one to dig under her skin, it will tell you how well she may take your transition.  Ask her if she would be offended if someone thought she was a lesbian. 
My wife has lesbian friends,  but that was her only issue..  sometimes people are not as tolerant as we think.  Somehow we have worked through it.. 

I'm just suggesting this because if you can dig out their biggest issues about it and try to fix them, the small stuff is nothing..

My wife thought I would make her into a lesbian, then leave her for another man.  Those fears are still there, but we talk about them and keep everything open so there is no doubt..

Hope this helps;)

Thank you all for your thoughts and just to let you all know I went to my appt. alone and really enjoyed the Dr. Peters and his staff. They seem to be a tight knit group and they were all smiles and treated me no different than everyone else that was around. It felt really good to just sit with him and have a talk about hormones, and how they could effect changes and what the changes could be. My.followup.appointment is set for the 7th of this month and.my wife is not sure if she wants to go. She ask me if her talking to the Dr. would chang anything, far as.my decision to start. So I guess we will see where she is on the 7th.

Quote from: mrs izzy on February 13, 2015, 08:30:21 AM
Personaly i would go through your first appoint alone. We all deserve personsl space.

How about next on/gyn appointment you go with her to discuss her hormonal issues.

Support is important yes, is what she is giving support?

Hugs

My wife and I have always preferred to go to doctors (even counselor/therapists) together. Occasionally we have encountered a doctor of clinic that prefers otherwise and that makes us very uncomfortable.

Most  ob/gyn doctors have always objected to it in the examination room. Apparently they consider the things they are doing to examine your wife to be out of line for you to see.  SHAME ON THEM! Also, even if you are with her in the waiting room most of the staff and the other women in the room act like you don't belong there.

You might have a look here for a few thoughts that might help...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,185020.msg1645272.html#msg1645272

hugs