The last post I made on this website included suicidal ideation along with a plan to carry it out (
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,178995.0/topicseen.html). It has been a long time since that post, and I wish to apologize for it. My behavior—to make such a post containing the possible end of my life, and then proceed to make no follow-up as to whether I was okay--w as bash and disturbing, perhaps even triggering, for anyone who had misfortune to bare witness to it. It was unfair to you. My actions more than likely has inflected some level of pain onto some of you. My selfishness should be shamed. I am sorry.
Even after the ideation had passed and the subsequent desire to apologize came, I did not have the courage to return to the forum. I was going through (I still am) an existential period that happens quite frequently and always has through out my life where I was feeling desire over my gender identity and my ability to do anything about. I think, "
What's the point? Why identify as this thing that has no place in Western society? Your an outcast even amoungst outcasts. Even other trans folk would tell you how you relate to your gender is wrong. I have so many mental illnesses, I know for a fact transition will not make me healthy; I will still be sick. You have a glorious future of living a facade ahead of you." I cannot have any kind of contact with trans related stuff without feeling a wave of panic. I develop a fear and even hatred of other trans people. I hold a delusion of persecution that I've been struggling with for years, and I have realized--to my horror after years of being a proud, strong activist of LGBT rights prior to the onset of mental illness—that I use the LGBT, especially the T, as an outlet for those irrational thoughts. I come to the belief that the Trans Hierarchy is such as pervasive belief (even though I know that there is vehement protest against it) that most trans people will oppress and back stab each other, and milk the system of all it's worth in order to attain their own selfish desires. When I encounter a trans person, particularly transsexuals who assimilate extremely well into cisgender, heteronormitive society (which I never will; that's simply not who I am), a voice deep inside me screams,
"You come to me with a smile filled with razorblades! You seek to profit off my exploitation! I must destroy before you destroy me but I am too weak. I am not as cunning and brutal as you, and how I wish I was for that is what makes you a superior human being." This is wrong. This is sick. It is unfair to you, and I should be shamed. It is these thoughts that have prevented me from coming back to the forum, letting you know I am alive and that I need to apologize. I am sorry. My actions more than likely has inflected some level of pain onto some of you, and I feel even this post does so to.
I have returned to the therapist at my university. She helps me though a lot of my problems, and clears my head but she admits that her power to help me with anything trans related is woefully limited. Due to my persecution delusion that targets the LGBT community, she has recommended that I cut off my connection to it. I agree with this; I should distance myself from the community because it has become a poisonous obsession that degrades my health and could result in me hurting them (if it hasn't already). However, this does but me in a catch-22 where exacerbates my transition despair.
While I don't plan on leaving the forum, my participation in it will be drastically reduced until further notice. I want to let you know that despite my delusions and boomerang bigotry, I know you are good people. This website is a force for good. I thank you for everything you do. And I am sorry.
