It's very difficult, even when it seems everyone around supports. People wearing or showing the light blue and pink colors, which to me resemble the transgender colors. Not that it officially does, may be just colors to some, others a balance symbol.

I cannot walk out, and it has been for a long time. Not that I cannot deal with it, but this is on going for a year or more now. I have no privacy, before I came out. Which was three or two years ago, it sucks, my transition has not taken off anywhere. I just reached 5months, and have to wait one more day again, to start. So many UPS and downs, so draining.

I know who I am, I even know my personal style, my own character.. Myself. I just cannot express myself, I feel every moment is for a show. If I go and buy clothing at a store, shop for food, then it is all eyes on me.

I cannot be myself, and it seems no one really cares, sure I type this post here, but the constant 24hr monitoring drives me mad. Literally. As if the world has a secret against me and I have to play Blue's Clues. Not only do I have to think about myself, but I have to worry about the public eye always watching me. I seem so bipolar because I become so frustrated with everyone around me, I just beg to have a sense of freedom. I literally have not had actual time to myself in so long. Looong time.

It is difficult to want to get up in the mornings sometime, or just in a day. Though I am still optimistic, I have become so depressed and all I want is a moment to say it was just mine. I have much encouragement to do, literally I have no clue. I have interest in music, dance, business (slightly), and a whole spiritual side that seems to be my deepest profound calling. It is actually my focus, just hard with transition. I feel so masculine, and I dislike it so much, sure androgyny is fine but it is tasteless after attempts of failed progression of a transition. I also wanted to model but all that has changed.. My focus is much more personal, but I cannot make it because the invitations persons give them self. I literally cannot think of myself. If I act it will lose its personal flare and I have to conform to constant manipulation. Think about being the "hot stuff" for any reason and people just barricade you, suffocating your every movement. You might go insane. So much I actually just want a regular lifestyle, therefore I would be able to enjoy life again. Have my guard down, and not feel I am not on the 2015 Truman Show casting. I being Truman.

I am empathic and clairvoyant, and many more psychic talents. Truly, but I feel they are being rubbed down, and I am proud or myself still. I have been through hell and back multiple times, and I am still alive. But I have forgotten most of what I could do. How I intuitively feel. I feel so dark, abused and used by this world, blamed and told to pick up the pieces. I try, I do. I keep a smile, just so I do not dig into the evils I have seen, holding it in to become just that.

I have learned wisely, forgive and move on. I did recite forget one time, but cannot forget everything. I want a much more simple life, I am just so tired of the extremes. I had dreams of becoming a transartist, meeting with world leaders, guiding a spiritual path for everyone. With a wise team influencing the world to become its greatest. Maybe it is still possible, but that will take years, if ever. For now, settling down, transition, find myself to bring forth her. Her name is Fenix, we are Fenix.

Hard when the world thinks you want to be androgynous because they have followed you so long but it is hard. Having their actions, thoughts just plain Jane consciousness and sub consciousness play onto you. Draining. How do I find a place to call home. Even a minimum wage 9 to 5 seems better, maybe some overtime? Friends? Family? Dog or Cat, maybe both? Adequate transportation..  A boyfriend (finally).. Life.. Moments that can be organized and also those oh my gosh.. Random moments.. Life.. Just life. A plan, with someone else instead of just myself.

Tomorrow the same, trying to figure it all out. All alone.. What to do, where to go?

Much Love

Have you been able to talk to a counsellor or therapist about these feelings or thoughts? Sometimes it's not possible to deal with the world by ourselves, a bit of help goes a long way.

Hi Fenix,

Having celebrity and being trans is very difficult; I just can not imagine, hugs.  It sounds like you know pretty well what the problem is but are stuck doing the same thing, that what makes you depressed.

I agree, talking to a therapist sounds like great advise. Also, setting limits on those the are suffocating you is in order. If you can not take what is happening then change it. Transition is really difficult but when you are surrounded by others in a suffocating way it is over the top.

I hope you can get some space set aside for being who you rally are.

Fenix, I share your dream for a better world.  Please find time to be you, so we can keep on changing the world together!