This is the lowest point of my life, psychologically, Im burning my savings to escape my problems (like 20 or 40 dollars). Sleep binge. Room disaster. Go to gay saunas, and get kiss by ten men or more... (not stupid... i dont engage in anal sex), and pretty much breaking from reality into a state of just constant seeking escapism. Besides work, which brings me misery... i feel like life is meaningless.

Im trying to find a doctor to get spiro, but i cant find any. And i cant order it because im in a foreign country and i feel like im getting really masculine. Im dying. I dont want to live... and just force myself to live. Its like being passed suicude, i want to die... but dont and the reason i dont is because i dont think theres an afterlife... so i settle for this existence.


Hmm... theraphy... i need medication thats all i know.

Tell me the best advice to feel feminine while here?? My skin a wreck... i feel so ugly right now.

I sometimes am in the same boat with afterlife, though I believe there is one, I don't believe it is kind to  you when you choose suicide; therefore, although I constantly think about it, I would never do it because of the harsh consequences.  That is my belief, but yes, I think about it all the time.  I think I'm down mostly because I'm waiting and waiting for my hair to come out and to get on HRT and nervous about the reaction when that all hits. 

If you want to feminize yourself, I would focus all your energy on getting some spiro, however difficult it may seem to be.  It's the same problem we all really go through once we decide what we want to do and then there are always obstacles, so don't feel alone in that regard.   The thing to remember is that these things are a process, they take time and a lot of effort.

In my case I have to see a therapist and get a written recommendation for HRT.  It has been awhile since I started and she is now pulling medical records and stuff, so maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

For your skin, probably the best thing to do is to get lots of sleep and drink a healthy amount of water.

Do you know any trans where you are? If you do not know any then find where they are and ask them how they get hormones with supervision from a doctor. Try an LGBT center and ask if there are any trans group meetings. The girls at the meetings will know what to do.

Dear Wild Flower,

You cannot imagine the way of suicide even you succeed this way.
Negative thought is negative energy and you get more and more negative energy... you know, the spiral.
And positive thought give you positive spiral.
Yes, I know, easy to say... but look at my life...
Now I am going to be harsh. It is for me too and finally just because I want that... questions of choice : every things in life are our own choices. But it is too a good thing : because it is our choice, we can change our choice, than get what we want in life.
We create in life what we think.
What is the most important thing for you today ?
What did you do today to get this important thing ? (a little is enough : "a journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step" - Lao Tzu - so, happiness is a way not really the target.
Then, do you think that "sleep binge, room disaster..." give you the most important thing you want for you today ?
I do not know the answer for you because and you are the only person who know this answer and you are the only person who can change something for you.
Finally, have gratitude with every step you did.
I do not know where you live, how is exactly your life. But I know and I am sure that where you live they are another person like you who succeed in the way you want to go. Switch every thought you do not really want for you by a thought you want for you, and let go : share smile, happiness, joyful with people around you. If these people want just share negative, change people around you with positive people.
It is maybe not easy - today - but maybe easier that you think. One step...
Take care of yourself because you are the only person in your life who can really do this. so do it.
Warmly,
Hannah

If this is your rock-bottom, be glad.  It only gets better from there.  Stay on top of your responsibilities first, but work to get what you need as well.  Even in the darkest despair, you can move forward as long as you don't lose yourself.
First, build your support group.  Open up to close friends and family as soon as you can so you can rely on them for hard times in the future.  Those that care about you may question your conclusions, but they care and they should listen to you.
Then find a transgender support center.  They can be found through LGBT groups in college campuses nearby, as well as the Internet.  However the ones on the Internet aren't easy to find unless you find them through transgender sister sites.  Then at those support centers you may be directed to a health clinic, and you'll probably need to go through a few intake interviews and finally you be able to see an endocrinologist have some blood tests and start HRT.
If you've already started HRT and can't see your original prescriber, you may just want to find an endocrinologist in the area.  You can find listings of the doctors that specialize in endocrinology from a nearby health center or ask for a referral from your GP.  Be careful asking for medication, as doctors are wary of prescription seeking behavior as potentially a case of Munchausens.  Also, spironolactone can't be taken without taking hormones without risking osteoporosis among other things.
Lastly, be careful getting prescription pills on the downlow, or black market.  They aren't always safe.  Also avoid silicone injections and/or any quick and easy surgical procedure.  While they may cause some relief of gender dysphoria, they can be life threatening.  The goal is to enjoy your authentic life after transitioning. To do that, you need to be healthy and safe during and after the process.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on February 15, 2015, 04:32:04 PM
Do you know any trans where you are? If you do not know any then find where they are and ask them how they get hormones with supervision from a doctor. Try an LGBT center and ask if there are any trans group meetings. The girls at the meetings will know what to do.

Ladyboys... seriously but they think im a customer.... but damn i need to talk to them

The most important thing it is what you think, not the others. And let them time to know you.
If I tell you black, do I think black ? maybe I think white but for a lot of reason, and the first would be fear, I say black... And the only person who know it is me.
And as said Katie, here you can find a lot of support. If that's work for you, use it and everything become better... I wish you that
Warmly,
Hannah

Im thinking suicide... i need to find something worth living but the only thing that stops me from.doing it is that im going to hurt my family (who wouldnt accept the real me...). Im just here. This is hell. I feel like im not here anymore... the cisgender advantages are so obvious... its like the 1st time i look at Marilyn Monroe and thought..."Why did you commit suicide... you had everything..." i didnt feel sorry for her because it was her physical beauty that the world love her for... just that alone. Her mind may not had been beautiful but it didnt matter...

And i know my mind is beautiful...

Quote from: Wild Flower on February 16, 2015, 02:40:23 AM
Im thinking suicide... i need to find something worth living but the only thing that stops me from.doing it is that im going to hurt my family (who wouldnt accept the real me...). Im just here. This is hell. I feel like im not here anymore... the cisgender advantages are so obvious... its like the 1st time i look at Marilyn Monroe and thought..."Why did you commit suicide... you had everything..." i didnt feel sorry for her because it was her physical beauty that the world love her for... just that alone. Her mind may not had been beautiful but it didnt matter...

And i know my mind is beautiful...

I used to think that my family wouldn't accept me, but I was wrong.  They aren't exactly used to the idea of me being female, but they still care about me.
If your choices are suicide or transitioning, I'd highly suggest choosing life.  Embracing yourself as a transwoman isn't easy, but it's a hell of a lot more rewarding than giving up.  If you truly have nothing to lose, then there is nothing to fear.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from Katie's iPad using Tapatalk

Hi Wild Flower,

Nobody can choose instead you.
We can be in the middle of a crowd or a bunch of friends and feel alone... and it is not a specific transgender issue. Suicide is not a specific transgender issue.
So, family deny a lot of things and not just a transgender, gay, lesbian fact.
Question : if now, immediately, you get $ 1 000 000. Does this change something for you ? and what ?
Everything in life is a personal choice. It is an illusion to think, to believe that it is another thing, person who choose or inspire us.
You know, the most important person in my life : it is me. In your life ? it is you. No it is not selfish. Because finally, if I care more and more of myself, I become happier and then I can easily take care of the others and give happiness.
You can't change the other, you can't change your family. You know, there is people, there is "the world", there is the weather..., there is you, and sometimes a problem. The problem is between you and the three other things. Can you change the other ? no. Can you change the world ? no. Can you change the weather ? no. Can you change the problem ? no if that is depend of these three things. Then ? the only thing you can change, it is you and you have the full power to do that. decide and act. For you. I can assure you, after that, things around you change and problem disappear. At minimum today, do one thing you really want and can do today : do it. It is the first step. If you can do two steps, do two steps. That is it. And be grateful.
Give time to your family (can be months, years...) and just take care of yourself, for yourself, with yourself... be grateful for a little blue sky, the nature beauty, the life in you, your freedom, a song, a smile (included one on your face now, when you read this... why not ? do it and appreciate it.)...
You cannot wait help from the others firstly. The first help is, have to be from you. You are the only and best person who know exactly what you want/need. Act it. I think there is not another way.
Choice belongs to you, more that you seem imagine. imagine... this is a song...
Warmly,
Hannah