This is something I've been struggling with in the context of a relationship breakup with a cis woman (about 5 months ago). Me being trans was the main reason, she broke up with me because she missed cis guys.

Now I feel really threatened by the possibility of her dating other people again. These feelings are confusing because it's not jealousy focused on her. I can honestly say that I don't want to be with her, that I'm getting over her, and that I have my own reasons for knowing that the breakup was the right thing for me too. But it's made me jealous, resentful, and dysphoric about cis guys in general - any possible cis guy who might date her. It's that some other guy can use all the things I don't have to give someone what I can never give. Like he's using the source of my pain/dysphoria to one-up me. It feels like a personal insult, although I know it shouldn't.

As much as I objectively understand what the correct thought process should be, it still never 'clicks' for me. I can tell myself that the breakup shouldn't affect my own sexual confidence or sense of masculinity, and that other people will want me and be attracted to my body. I know what I would say to someone in my position, and I know what the 'right' thoughts are, but it doesn't stick. Can anyone else relate? How do I change my thought process?

Time, it just takes time to get past those negative thoughts you have circulating. I used to be the same way about my past friendships. It took me a few years before I could recondition my mind sort of speak cause like you I knew the advice and what to do, it just wasn't like clicking. So like I said give yourself time and the space you need. Do your best to just focus on yourself and do things that positively impact your life. That's basically how I got through my own situation.

Sorry to hear you're feeling that way. Hugs!

There are two things you may not have realised yet...

Firstly, wow, do cis guys fret about their masculinity and sexuality after a break up or what?? Break ups can be remarkably emasculating for some cis guys. They think (maybe even obsess) about their ex possibly having sex with other men and it gets them really wound up. Generally they just don't talk about it. So don't worry too much that you are feeling this way, it's pretty common.

Secondly, cis genetic guys might have "all the things you don't have" but believe me so many of those guys are remarkably inept at using "it" it's amazing women get any sexual arousal or pleasure out of them at all. In fact many do not. Also there are cis genetic guys who do have that equipment but can't really use it anyway due to health or psychological issues. It is totally possible to sexually pleasure and arouse and bring to orgasm without PIV sex...and a lot more fun too!

Anyway, hope you feel better soon...and that you quickly find another awesome gal you can explore both your sexualities with!

I can relate but in an oppisite way. My cis gf broke up with me, not bcos I'm trans just bcos we drifted apart. I still want to be with her and get jealous when she's around other girls (she labelled herself as lesbian before I came out to her). I feel like that maybe she prefers woman or that I'm not good enough for her bcos I'm not fem enough and too masculine. And that woman can somehow give her more than I can.

Completely agree with what Ms Grace said.

Also, we cannot help it if many (most?) cis people want to be with other cis people, that they would rather focus on specific features of the body than on the person, that they want certain things from a relationship. It is their choice after all. All we can do is to just move along and find the right person for ourselves, whether cis or trans, who will love us the way we are. Just give it time, as Lady_Oracle said.

Just to add my pov from the opposite (MtF) side, it is precisely the things which I can't have that most cis women have, that make me certain about my identity and if I were in a similar position as you, would probably make me insecure too about cis men who would want to be with cis women. But then, there are cis women who have medical complications, and there are cis men with problems as Ms Grace said. And yet many of them find the right ones for themselves. It's just a matter of time.

Cindy and Grace pretty much nailed it.

I too feel dysphoric about cis women and their ability to reproduce naturally and even now as pre-op their ability to have PIV sex. But I've also been in the waiting rooms of fertility clinics and trust me when I say that the place is crowded. Sometimes there's no room to sit because so many people have issues.

But I truly believe there is someone for everyone. And yes, seeing someone you wanted to be with, with someone else can be hard. Especially if that person wants something you can never deliver. For example, one of my exes always dated black, biracial or hispanic guys. Except for me. Then eventually she broke up with me because she wanted a black, biracial or hispanic guy. I don't know if it was sexual or anything because we never had sex. She ended up marrying a biracial guy. My ex wife said she wasn't attracted to me because I was short. I have no idea who she ended up with (if anyone) and it did hurt for a while. But I'm over that now.

So yes it does happen even to cis men (well at least I was trying to be cis).

Quote from: kast on February 12, 2015, 01:10:24 AM
This is something I've been struggling with in the context of a relationship breakup with a cis woman (about 5 months ago). Me being trans was the main reason, she broke up with me because she missed cis guys.

Now I feel really threatened by the possibility of her dating other people again. These feelings are confusing because it's not jealousy focused on her. I can honestly say that I don't want to be with her, that I'm getting over her, and that I have my own reasons for knowing that the breakup was the right thing for me too. But it's made me jealous, resentful, and dysphoric about cis guys in general - any possible cis guy who might date her. It's that some other guy can use all the things I don't have to give someone what I can never give. Like he's using the source of my pain/dysphoria to one-up me. It feels like a personal insult, although I know it shouldn't.

As much as I objectively understand what the correct thought process should be, it still never 'clicks' for me. I can tell myself that the breakup shouldn't affect my own sexual confidence or sense of masculinity, and that other people will want me and be attracted to my body. I know what I would say to someone in my position, and I know what the 'right' thoughts are, but it doesn't stick. Can anyone else relate? How do I change my thought process?

I quite agree with Lady_Oracle. TIME. I really does work wonders. As far as obsessing about it, I went through similar a couple of years ago because that breakup for me was very hurtful in attacks on my masculinity. Again, time was the trick, even if it seemed like forever. Once you've gotten the lessons from that relationship so that the same won't happen again, move on and distract yourself and do the things that make you feel more manly. Focusing on it beyond that point won't net you any more gain. For me focusing on the ways I was masculine helped me reinforce myself and come out stronger on the other side.

On the equipment front. I don't know how you feel about your original equip, but for me, when I'm with a woman it's about pleasing her and I have found that most women find that me being 'customizable' to degree is a huge turn on, and most cis guys aren't even willing to go there. The fact that you have options (to whatever degree you are comfortable with) makes you a much better partner. It seems like a lot of cis guys don't take the time to read the manual for what they have. Guys like us have an edge, it's like we are the 'new and improved' model because we take the time to pay attention. 

Ms Grace nailed it:

Quote from: Ms Grace on February 12, 2015, 02:40:30 AM
Sorry to hear you're feeling that way. Hugs!

There are two things you may not have realised yet...

Firstly, wow, do cis guys fret about their masculinity and sexuality after a break up or what?? Break ups can be remarkably emasculating for some cis guys. They think (maybe even obsess) about their ex possibly having sex with other men and it gets them really wound up. Generally they just don't talk about it. So don't worry too much that you are feeling this way, it's pretty common.

Secondly, cis genetic guys might have "all the things you don't have" but believe me so many of those guys are remarkably inept at using "it" it's amazing women get any sexual arousal or pleasure out of them at all. In fact many do not. Also there are cis genetic guys who do have that equipment but can't really use it anyway due to health or psychological issues. It is totally possible to sexually pleasure and arouse and bring to orgasm without PIV sex...and a lot more fun too!

Anyway, hope you feel better soon...and that you quickly find another awesome gal you can explore both your sexualities with!

I bolded the bits I thought really hit home.

Give yourself some space, you got this!

Quote from: kast on February 12, 2015, 01:10:24 AM
This is something I've been struggling with in the context of a relationship breakup with a cis woman (about 5 months ago). Me being trans was the main reason, she broke up with me because she missed cis guys.

Now I feel really threatened by the possibility of her dating other people again. These feelings are confusing because it's not jealousy focused on her. I can honestly say that I don't want to be with her, that I'm getting over her, and that I have my own reasons for knowing that the breakup was the right thing for me too. But it's made me jealous, resentful, and dysphoric about cis guys in general - any possible cis guy who might date her. It's that some other guy can use all the things I don't have to give someone what I can never give. Like he's using the source of my pain/dysphoria to one-up me. It feels like a personal insult, although I know it shouldn't.

As much as I objectively understand what the correct thought process should be, it still never 'clicks' for me. I can tell myself that the breakup shouldn't affect my own sexual confidence or sense of masculinity, and that other people will want me and be attracted to my body. I know what I would say to someone in my position, and I know what the 'right' thoughts are, but it doesn't stick. Can anyone else relate? How do I change my thought process?

When a typical person looks for a "satisfactory" partner, they look for a lot of things.  This is no less so for women looking at men.  Conventional wisdom will have you believe that a man needs money, perfect abs, great personality, sense of humor, handsome face, big penis, great smile, etc in order to be viewed as "satisfactory".  But all women know they can't expect all of those things in a man and are totally cool if he's only got a few of those things.  When a man has all of those things, you know it, because they are usually in magazines or are famous.  Cis dudes are lucky to possess more than even one of those things in abundance, let alone most of them.

It sounds like you have most of those things covered and many people prioritize the basic shallow wants in various orders.  You are very handsome and will be able to date women that a not-so-handsome man wouldn't be able to date because some of those particular women prioritize a handsome man above all else.  Likewise, some people only care about money or are more focused on personality.  The fact that you feel lacking in only one of those areas isn't a deal breaker for a whole ton of women out there. 

And besides, love is love.  When you find it, it won't matter what either of you have going on under your clothes.

Just saying, you sound like a catch and I'd totally hook you up with some ladies if I knew you personally and have full confidence that there wouldn't be any issues.  Just gotta not get discouraged, you know?  Because the one trait I left out is actually high on nearly every woman's priority list and that's "confidence".  It's cliche but so painfully true because it's the hardest one for many people to muster up but it's one that we all can have.

Kast, this woman obviously doesn't appreciate what a great guy you are. She doesn't deserve you and you deserve better. Don't let her live rent-free in your head.

She's going to end up with some man who's nowhere near as wonderful as you. That's exactly what she deserves. You'll end up with a woman who appreciates what a terrific man you are. That's what you deserve.

Quote from: Ms Grace on February 12, 2015, 02:40:30 AM
Sorry to hear you're feeling that way. Hugs!

There are two things you may not have realised yet...

Firstly, wow, do cis guys fret about their masculinity and sexuality after a break up or what?? Break ups can be remarkably emasculating for some cis guys. They think (maybe even obsess) about their ex possibly having sex with other men and it gets them really wound up. Generally they just don't talk about it. So don't worry too much that you are feeling this way, it's pretty common.

Secondly, cis genetic guys might have "all the things you don't have" but believe me so many of those guys are remarkably inept at using "it" it's amazing women get any sexual arousal or pleasure out of them at all. In fact many do not. Also there are cis genetic guys who do have that equipment but can't really use it anyway due to health or psychological issues. It is totally possible to sexually pleasure and arouse and bring to orgasm without PIV sex...and a lot more fun too!

Anyway, hope you feel better soon...and that you quickly find another awesome gal you can explore both your sexualities with!

Good points, thank you Grace

Quote from: Jameson on February 12, 2015, 10:23:49 AM
I quite agree with Lady_Oracle. TIME. I really does work wonders. As far as obsessing about it, I went through similar a couple of years ago because that breakup for me was very hurtful in attacks on my masculinity. Again, time was the trick, even if it seemed like forever. Once you've gotten the lessons from that relationship so that the same won't happen again, move on and distract yourself and do the things that make you feel more manly. Focusing on it beyond that point won't net you any more gain. For me focusing on the ways I was masculine helped me reinforce myself and come out stronger on the other side.

On the equipment front. I don't know how you feel about your original equip, but for me, when I'm with a woman it's about pleasing her and I have found that most women find that me being 'customizable' to degree is a huge turn on, and most cis guys aren't even willing to go there. The fact that you have options (to whatever degree you are comfortable with) makes you a much better partner. It seems like a lot of cis guys don't take the time to read the manual for what they have. Guys like us have an edge, it's like we are the 'new and improved' model because we take the time to pay attention. 

Ms Grace nailed it:
I bolded the bits I thought really hit home.

Give yourself some space, you got this!

Time.. yeah, unfortunately that seems to be solution I have to wait for It's helpful to try thinking about my differences as a positive in some ways, too. Thanks man

Quote from: suzifrommd on February 12, 2015, 12:35:37 PM
Kast, this woman obviously doesn't appreciate what a great guy you are. She doesn't deserve you and you deserve better. Don't let her live rent-free in your head.

She's going to end up with some man who's nowhere near as wonderful as you. That's exactly what she deserves. You'll end up with a woman who appreciates what a terrific man you are. That's what you deserve.

Thanks Suzi 

Quote from: Abysha on February 12, 2015, 12:15:28 PM
When a typical person looks for a "satisfactory" partner, they look for a lot of things.  This is no less so for women looking at men.  Conventional wisdom will have you believe that a man needs money, perfect abs, great personality, sense of humor, handsome face, big penis, great smile, etc in order to be viewed as "satisfactory".  But all women know they can't expect all of those things in a man and are totally cool if he's only got a few of those things.  When a man has all of those things, you know it, because they are usually in magazines or are famous.  Cis dudes are lucky to possess more than even one of those things in abundance, let alone most of them.

It sounds like you have most of those things covered and many people prioritize the basic shallow wants in various orders.  You are very handsome and will be able to date women that a not-so-handsome man wouldn't be able to date because some of those particular women prioritize a handsome man above all else.  Likewise, some people only care about money or are more focused on personality.  The fact that you feel lacking in only one of those areas isn't a deal breaker for a whole ton of women out there. 

And besides, love is love.  When you find it, it won't matter what either of you have going on under your clothes.

Just saying, you sound like a catch and I'd totally hook you up with some ladies if I knew you personally and have full confidence that there wouldn't be any issues.  Just gotta not get discouraged, you know?  Because the one trait I left out is actually high on nearly every woman's priority list and that's "confidence".  It's cliche but so painfully true because it's the hardest one for many people to muster up but it's one that we all can have.

Thank you Abysha, I'm flattered And yeah, confidence... I know that's the most attractive trait but it's so difficult sometimes. It's like you need to start with a little confidence to get positive feedback and increase your confidence, but if you've had your confidence squashed that air of insecurity makes it even harder to dig yourself out of the hole.

Quote from: kast on February 12, 2015, 01:10:24 AM
As much as I objectively understand what the correct thought process should be, it still never 'clicks' for me. I can tell myself that the breakup shouldn't affect my own sexual confidence or sense of masculinity, and that other people will want me and be attracted to my body. I know what I would say to someone in my position, and I know what the 'right' thoughts are, but it doesn't stick. Can anyone else relate? How do I change my thought process?

telling yourself something never seems to work as it would if someone else was telling you, I seem to be able to help others but struggle with my issues even though I try and use what I have told someone else and it worked for them.  The brain doesn't process rationally when emotions are involved I find. 

You are a much more attractive guy then I ever was able to be (likely because I hated been a guy) and from what I see it is all her loss, a relationship is more than what is in ones pants the emotional and intellectual connection is always going to last longer, we all get old and i for one would rather be with someone interesting when I can no longer do the 2 step tango for one reason or another (plus as ms grace said many cis men suck and usually only care they are getting off)

Your a good looking guy I'm sure you will find a special someone in time (yes waiting sucks but some things are worth it)