Hey everyone I've been having troubles dealing with dysphoria lately to the point I'm unable to deal with anything it all feels pointless to me. It has left me to the point of being unable to focus in school (which I am now a trimester behind) but I only have until april anyways. I live in a southern state of course with a family that's highly religious and hateful towards this condition. In my state of TN I'm stuck with male on everything and I can't even go to a doctor without them making mention of it (which I had to go to a dentist recently and they just made it worse) everything is so tied to this and I'm unable to change it. I literally hate myself with a passion and I hate when I wake up the following day.

I've been trying to get a job and unfortunately I somehow meet the most hateful employers when it comes to their personal views about this which has left me more depressed than my family and school. The only support group is over 50-60 miles away which is in a bad area and my grandmother is deciding to sell the car I use so unfortunately I will be out of luck on everything soon. So then I just thought to myself why even try anymore? I mean everyone in public just absolutely loves calling me him, he, and sir. With this depression I can't hardly stand to be around anyone and they are unable to stand me. My therapist has tried to assist me in the past but she's running out of ideas and I don't wanna be someone that has to tell every single person that I'm transgender to get basic pronouns right. It isn't a way to live for me.

So I wanted to come here and ask how do you guys deal with it? Because at this point I'm unable to function in anything. I know I don't have the worst situation but I'm just unable to even look at myself without crying anymore. I am never able to get a break from it anymore.

Hugs, Skyler.

First, please give yourself credit for dealing with a very, very difficult situation. Living with people who disapprove of your very being is crushing and disheartening, even if they are your family. We all need validation, and you're in a position where you don't get much. Dealing with the dysphoria of not living as your true gender is hard enough for someone who has the full wherewithal to transition.

I don't know you, so I don't know what advice is good or bad. So I'm going to throw everything I've got out there, but feel free to ignore what isn't helpful.

1. It WILL get better. You are depressed, and depression is an illusion that your past, present, and future are all awful. In fact, you have some control over your future, and you have within you the strength to improve things.

2. Do what you can to educate your family. On the one hand, they're religious, so it will be an uphill battle, but on the other hand, if there is love there, they will not want to harm you. Your job is calmly to help them understand how much their lack of acceptance is harming you. Try to remind them:
* You did not choose this. You were born this way.
* Transgender is serious. People who are prevented from treating it suffer severe anxiety and depression. By not supporting you, they're driving you into an unbearable place.
* You simply can't "decide" not to be trans. No one has ever been able to "cure" it, and it typically doesn't go away on its own.
* Their treatment of you is destroying you, as surely as if they were burying you alive.
It's going to be a long road with them, but if they truly love you, they can be made to see what they're doing to you.

3. At the very least, don't let anyone stare you down. You are an adult. You have the right to come and go as you please, to go where you want and do what you want. No one, not even your family has a right to tell you where you can and cannot go and what you can and cannot do. Remember that.

4. Do you have a friend who can be an ally? If not, do your best to find one. If there is a PFLAG or some other LGBT support organization in your area, try to make contact. If not, look for liberal organizations, like Unitarian, UCC, or MCC churches, Democratic clubs, or any other place where people hang out who are socially liberal. It would really help to have someone who can help you get places, find a job, or, if necessary, a place to live and a way to go somewhere more accepting. The world is full of accepting, giving people but in some areas, they are harder to find.

5. KEEP POSTING. There are many, many caring people here at Susan's. PM people who seem to care. Try to make contact with people. Have people to reach out to when things are really bad.

6. Find things that help you feel true to yourself. For me, those are reading, writing, walking, and listing to music. For you they'll be different, but find what those things are and do them as often as you can manage.

7. Look for ways to bring joy to others. It's surprising how much this change in mindset can help reframe your mood.

Hugs, Skylar. I know it looks dark, but you are not alone, and you are strong.

I can't really agree with point one to say it'll get better is the equal position of predicting the future. Two different people have two different positions personality wise etc. So it may get better for one and worse for the other. I don't really have control over my future because every time I try to do something I get hit by a brick wall which pushes me back down to where I am.

On point 2 it's something I have tried but their love is conditional and to my belief non-existent. They also tend to blame me for any of their problems at the time so bringing this up never helped and typically made it worse unfortunately.

On point 3 I have a severe social anxiety with aspergers so being alone in a big group of people of this level tend to make me cower down and reminds me of how much I fail.

On point 4 the simple answer is no, the lgbt group I mentioned is really just a LG group (literally a lesbian and gay center). The closest support organization is far out of my reach (over 2 hrs away give or take). On acceptance in my case it feels like pity to be accepted into something that feels like a sub group if you're lucky. But that's mainly because of my personal experience. It's kind of like the difference between sex and gender even if it's just the sex that's wrong it's depressing.

on point 5 I hope to.

Point 6 I can't really do anything as I'm on a very tight lease and pretty much all of my stuff isn't mine. I don't get alone time either.

Point 7 I did that until they kept triggering and wouldn't respect when I tried to discuss kindly so i just gave up on that bit.

Whether I'm alone or not the misery is still there. I've personally haven't physically had contact with another transgender person since last july and I was incompatible with the person. I had one person tell me that before as she said only god can judge which  I don't believe in such a being personally. Well anymore. But to think it's a matter that can be judged was just awful of her. But over all thanks for the advice.

Quote from: Skylar105 on February 17, 2015, 02:56:10 PM
On point 4 the simple answer is no, the lgbt group I mentioned is really just a LG group (literally a lesbian and gay center). The closest support organization is far out of my reach (over 2 hrs away give or take). On acceptance in my case it feels like pity to be accepted into something that feels like a sub group if you're lucky.

When our backs are against the wall and life is pummeling us with all it's got, isn't any help better than none at all? Isn't help given because of pity, help nonetheless. And isn't an ally, an ally, L, G, straight, or whatever?

As I said before, ignore any advice that isn't right for you. But please, for your own sake, don't ignore options just because they aren't perfect. Any port in a storm, as they say.

Hugs and good thoughts sent your way.

Yea they would be but I can't go there due to it being a dangerous area and so far away. Their meetings aren't exactly for everyone so to speak.

I thank you for trying to help though. I just don't know what to do at this point every option just ends up being a brick wall to the point I'm unable to achieve anything and I'm stuck simply suffering. Constantly seeing the boulder start weighing more as it gets worse the more incidents I relive those incidents so many times. Which I sometimes have nightmares on these things and unfortunately my memory has to be crystal clear on these incidents. (Can't remember anything else other than these incidents) the resources for help here are lacking.

I have read over your posts, and I must say I think a good suggestion would be to call a transgender hotline. It isn't that we aren't trying to help or don't want to, but I believe you need more than just people who have been through trans experience. I believe you need help from people who are trained, though not necessarily a therapist.
When I first called them, I spent an hour and a half on the phone and they helped me a great deal.
Just my personal suggestion.

Hi skylar.

I feel most of what your saying right now. I'm going through some heavy and bad depression myself right now. Even after spending v-day with my close friends, still got nothing from it. It's the depression that's really making everything worse. You try to look up at the stars to get guidance on your future and they all seem to be non existent. I've been struggling with both the mental and physical depressions. Everything just seems like its only gonna get worse. For me I try to just slowly go through it and I know things will find a way to get better.

Obviously your situation is way worse than mine and I do hope you more than the best to get through. It's hard to try and understand someone else's problems when you can't even figure out your own to begin with.

Honestly your best situation for happiness is to literally leave it all behind. There's apparently nothing for you in TN. Your family probably does love you, but this isn't something to preach from a bible. Religion for the most part deal with creationism, where as we are experiencing evolution. Those are different philosophies and people kill each other over this. For your family, they will likely never fully understand where you come from on this aspect. That's another point to the ever growing list of crap that the world has decided to throw at you. Also TN is very lgbt-friendly last time I checked.

My advice, though probably not the best, is to temporarily put transitioning on hold. Find a job where you can make some money. Once you have enough saved up just hit the road. Do some research in between and find a place where lgbt people are accepted and try to find contact with someone in the area. Maybe someone is lgbt friendly and might let you stay with them for a little while, so that you can get your feet on the ground or something. I've been told try to find gov't/ municipal jobs as they are lgbt friendly and some even help with surgery's and healthcare. I know this solution/ Idea is not the best. It may also deepen the depression even worse, but it's a way to save money and try to get out on your own. There's nothing left for you where you are.

Where you're at right now is close to a dead end in the road to happiness. You literally need to turn around and backtrack till you can find the path that continues you toward the goal of happiness.

I know there little I can do to help you out, but if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm there for you. I know the pains of depression. It's the worse thing in the world. Just remember Suicide is NOT an option! There's still hope somewhere!

Marty (Sammi)

I also grew up in a southern family, with an overly religious mother and a real "alpha male" father. I repressed any and every thought I had involving anything "girly". The last thing I wanted was my father telling me I was "being a sissy-boy"...and my aunt, who was even more religious than my mother, lived next door. I didn't want a double-barrel bible-thumping. Damn did those days stink.

TN isn't friendly for LGBT law wise or people wise. You cannot change your birth certificate at all, and for license you have to have surgery (down there) for such.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get out but as I've said before each time I try I get put back further it's really hard to get in a better mood when such happens to knock me down further. Just to be called he constantly by everyone is ripping me to pieces.  I appreciate all of you responding.