A few weeks back I was cleaning out a closet and ran across one of my wife's old birth control packets. She stopped taking them so I was going to throw them, but I put them in my hiding place instead. I hit a low point and took one the other Saturday and then Sunday, then Monday. (Yes, I know it was stupid.) I thought it would make me feel something right away but it didn't. I felt like my normal self until Monday night. I quit smoking back in 07 and have had a short temper since then. Not angry or violent, just on edge. All of a sudden I was relaxed. Not high or anything like that, just calm. I relaxed and read for a while. My wife even noticed my mood. She thought maybe I had snuck in a nap during the day or something. I didn't connect the pill to the feeling until Tuesday morning when I went to take another one. I felt great Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I didn't take it because my nipples were super sensitive when I woke up. They almost burned when I passed the washcloth over them when taking a shower. That I immediately attributed to the pills. I still do my best to suppress my urges and I'm not ready to come out or transition so I really thought I had found my miracle but with the tender nipples I didn't want to risk any physical changes. Unfortunately I started being my normal edgy self again by the weekend. I have really been fighting to not take them again like I'm a heroin addict or something. I want that feeling back. I can only assume that my mind needed it.  I finally felt like I was ok with my feelings. I really don't know what to do and I am scared. Did I make my gender-dysphoria worse forever now?  Would a low dosage therapy fix this? I need a few more years. It's been a week without them now, will it get better? Is there any chance that nicotine will make it better?

Hi Toni,

I hope you are feeling better. I will definitely get some help professionally as you may need it to start even low doses for HRT.
Good luck

April

Quote from: ToniR on February 18, 2015, 09:08:30 AM
A few weeks back I was cleaning out a closet and ran across one of my wife's old birth control packets. She stopped taking them so I was going to throw them, but I put them in my hiding place instead. I hit a low point and took one the other Saturday and then Sunday, then Monday. (Yes, I know it was stupid.) I thought it would make me feel something right away but it didn't. I felt like my normal self until Monday night. I quit smoking back in 07 and have had a short temper since then. Not angry or violent, just on edge. All of a sudden I was relaxed. Not high or anything like that, just calm. I relaxed and read for a while. My wife even noticed my mood. She thought maybe I had snuck in a nap during the day or something. I didn't connect the pill to the feeling until Tuesday morning when I went to take another one. I felt great Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I didn't take it because my nipples were super sensitive when I woke up. They almost burned when I passed the washcloth over them when taking a shower. That I immediately attributed to the pills. I still do my best to suppress my urges and I'm not ready to come out or transition so I really thought I had found my miracle but with the tender nipples I didn't want to risk any physical changes. Unfortunately I started being my normal edgy self again by the weekend. I have really been fighting to not take them again like I'm a heroin addict or something. I want that feeling back. I can only assume that my mind needed it.  I finally felt like I was ok with my feelings. I really don't know what to do and I am scared. Did I make my gender-dysphoria worse forever now?  Would a low dosage therapy fix this? I need a few more years. It's been a week without them now, will it get better? Is there any chance that nicotine will make it better?

Hi Toni,

I took a low dose of some left over estradiol my wife had for about a month. Immediately I felt effects, like within a day. But I stopped because I know it was wrong and it was dangerous. However I did tell my doctor and he monitored me. Didn't do the hormone tests just made sure I was healthy.

But it opened my eyes to my dysphoria and the treatment for it even more.

I wouldn't lie, maybe if I didn't take that pill I would have probably still been a closet cross dresser with dysphoria overwhelming and slowly killing me.

In the initial (self med) I got a slight headache. Then came skin softening and changes in my body scent. After that the breast pain and nipple erectness started, like in 2 weeks. I had a few nights of insomnia and also I began to feel extremely cold in the office. That subsided rather quickly. After a month people said I began to look like a teenager. Yes, my face was changing. But I stopped and within a short period of time things returned to how they were. However I was depressed to no end. I knew transition was in my future. I joined up here and also sought out a therapist. I also came out to my wife.

That said, I could have killed myself. Self medication is dangerous. I am glad I got professional medical intervention and a steady supply of HRT in my own name.

Birth control pills are especially dangerous.

I would definitely recommend at least seeing a doctor who can monitor you and adjust your dosages as well as getting the right type of estradiol in your system.

Self-medding is dangerous (I could have died if I'd tried it) and on top of that, the estrogen used in birth control pills is a) the most risky kind of E by far and b) the amounts are low enough that it usually won't have much effect without taking life-threatening amounts. I do NOT recommend it; if the E made you feel better, find a doctor and do it the legit way.

Hi Toni. Self meddling is dangerous and you need to be monitored when taking any HRT or other hormone related medications so it can be tailored to your needs. It's sounds like you really could benefit from seeing a therapist especially considering the estrogen helped you feel better. Please do it the legal way for your own health and well being.
Marfiah