Hey Guys... I need some advice... Girlfriend problems :/


   My girlfriend and I have been together about a year and five months. At the beginning, everything was fine...of course, the 'honeymoon' stage. Then eventually you fall into daily routines and things of that nature.

  Everything has been fine until about 2 months ago. She has gradually stopped wanting sex to about once every 2 weeks. Last week she started acting weird, not really conversating with me. Barely even looking at me. I asked her yesterday what was up...and she said she didn't know. I said what do you mean you don't know? Then she got on this topic of how she doesn't feel that I'm passionate enough? That I'm always just grabbing her in places jokingly and such. She said that that's how I have always been, and thinks she's just depressed. I asked her over and over again if she was still in love with me and happy, and she said yes.

  I don't know.. I just don't get it. I go completely out of my way all the time to make her happy. I give her kisses, tell her I love her all the time. I take her out on dates, rub her back, clean the house etc etc. We rarely argue. I even bought her a car for Christmas.

   Don't get me wrong, she's there for me and cares about me...I just don't know what to do. When we do argue its usually over sex, because my sex drive is high and supposedly she has a low libido. Which wasn't the case at the beginning...she wanted it just as much as I did. Which makes me feel like I'm not attractive enough for her...

  I tend to over analyze things, but this has me worried.

 

I've been there.  Twice.  Speaking from both perspectives I'd say it's because of the routine and feeling like you aren't progressing or exploring other things.  By other things I mean vacationing, traveling, doing fun things that will pump some life back into your relationship.

We're all guilty of falling into routines and thus our relationships stagnate.  One person may love the routine whilst the other becomes distressed and feels like they're losing or missing out on something.  Financial troubles are another precursor to relationship doom if both partners cannot effectively communicate and find a long term solution to even the smallest of problems (however small they may seem they're still problems!). It can really become an obtrusive and unforgiving situation when you feel like you absolutely cannot afford to go out and do and live a lifestyle you have in the past that you thoroughly enjoyed.

My suggestion?  Get her out of the house.  If you're in trouble financially or things have fiscally stagnated then find activities to do together that you both enjoy and that have very little cost; hiking, exercising, taking walks.  If you're good to go with finances and you have a little nest egg maybe a short vacation to somewhere she would love to go will help.  The goal is to break the routine, throw a little good chaos in the mix, and form something new that will challenge you both either physically, mentally, or spiritually (all in good ways).

Whatever the cause of her sudden down turn, never cease to communicate! 

You and I are in exactly the same boat. Something's gone awry somewhere that she's not bringing up...and I'd be willing to bet it's her stress levels. That's probably the fastest killer for sex drive.

I don't think you are over analyzing things here. Something is bothering her. Not being the most experienced guy, I have noticed that girls seem to want more romance. By that, I mean not just the quick grab and kiss, but emotional foreplay. Being held, spending time just cuddling on the couch, that sort of thing. Although its possible that she really isn't into sex as much as you'd like, going from wanting regular sex to avoiding it sounds more like a problem than just falling into a routine.

Regardless of what the problem is, unless you can both sit down and be completely honest with each other, there is going to be hurt feelings. She needs to tell you more than she currently is. The refusal to meet your eyes suggests she isn't telling you what is really bothering her. Let her know that no matter what is bothering her, you won't get angry with her. (Even if her answer hurts you, getting upset and fighting just makes things worse).
Its possible she is depressed, and if that is the case, seeking counseling with her may help.
Bottom line is you can't fix it if you don't know its broken. Unless you can get her to tell you what is really going on, chances are your feelings are going to start taking a beating if they aren't already.

sam1234

Quote from: Nikki G on February 18, 2015, 11:45:34 PM

My suggestion?  Get her out of the house.  If you're in trouble financially or things have fiscally stagnated then find activities to do together that you both enjoy and that have very little cost; hiking, exercising, taking walks.  If you're good to go with finances and you have a little nest egg maybe a short vacation to somewhere she would love to go will help.  The goal is to break the routine, throw a little good chaos in the mix, and form something new that will challenge you both either physically, mentally, or spiritually (all in good ways).

Whatever the cause of her sudden down turn, never cease to communicate!

Thank you for the advice. I guess since it has been really cold out, it's been difficult to do things. We usually go for walks, or play sports outside. It's -5 right now in the area, so things are limited. I want to take her to this paint n' play place in the mall, and paint together. That may make her feel a little better. She seemed to be more chipper today.

Quote from: StrykerXIII on February 19, 2015, 12:48:49 AM
You and I are in exactly the same boat. Something's gone awry somewhere that she's not bringing up...and I'd be willing to bet it's her stress levels. That's probably the fastest killer for sex drive.

She does seemed stressed, but nothing that I can see has happened for her to be. Something internally has to be bothering her, and it's hard to get her to open up. When she did, she said I wasn't passionate enough outside of the bedroom. Which in my mind, that's how I show passion and intimacy, is making love. So I guess I need to figure out how to be more cuddly.

Quote from: sam1234 on February 19, 2015, 03:11:46 AM
I don't think you are over analyzing things here. Something is bothering her. Not being the most experienced guy, I have noticed that girls seem to want more romance. By that, I mean not just the quick grab and kiss, but emotional foreplay. Being held, spending time just cuddling on the couch, that sort of thing. Although its possible that she really isn't into sex as much as you'd like, going from wanting regular sex to avoiding it sounds more like a problem than just falling into a routine.

Regardless of what the problem is, unless you can both sit down and be completely honest with each other, there is going to be hurt feelings. She needs to tell you more than she currently is. The refusal to meet your eyes suggests she isn't telling you what is really bothering her. Let her know that no matter what is bothering her, you won't get angry with her. (Even if her answer hurts you, getting upset and fighting just makes things worse).
Its possible she is depressed, and if that is the case, seeking counseling with her may help.
Bottom line is you can't fix it if you don't know its broken. Unless you can get her to tell you what is really going on, chances are your feelings are going to start taking a beating if they aren't already.

sam1234

I am going to try to be more cuddly, but I feel like I could cuddle her for a week or more- and still see no compromise. I feel like I can give and give, but nothing in return. I know people shouldn't do what the don't want to do- because I wouldn't, but at the same time relationships need compromise from both sides. I feel like I absolutely NEED sex to have a healthy relationship. At least twice week. It's how I always have been, and she knows that. She will get upset and cry and say things like "I'm sorry I'm not fulfilling your sexual needs".... She will say that, but not do anything about it? Like....wtf??? She is bi polar, and I have high anxiety... so we are both probably missing each others needs along those lines.

I just really hope we can come to some sort of agreement.

First, I'm not straight but I am a 12 year vet of my relationship and we've had our fair share of ups and downs and forest fires to deal with.

It is important be affectionate outside the bedroom. I know that you say that's how you show affection, but there needs to be something else outside of sex. My partner and I are very affectionate, even if it's something as simple as sneaking in a kiss on the forehead or a surprise short foot rub. It's actually very easy to be affectionate and do little things to make your partner feel special.

Second, you mentioned that your girlfriend is bi-polar. Is she medicated? Those medications can do a number on libido. If she isn't, have you considered the possibility that she's been a long downswing? My partner is prone to depressive swings, though he has SAD (seasonally affected disorder) and winter has been difficult on us for the last few years. During those times he couldn't care less about sex.

It is possible that you've both fallen into a rut. If you live together (I'm assuming you do) the first couple of years can be hard. The real surprise a lot of people find is that it's actually work to keep a relationship alive and healthy. We play a lot of games (dice, cards, etc), take walks and chat, even try out making new recipes together or rearrange our house. Small changes can actually be very therapeutic.

Have you considered that maybe she's not sure what's bothering her and that's why she can't open up?

One thing I want to point out though, and I feel I should be direct. Being a sexual person is normal and I certainly enjoy it myself. You said you feel like you absolutely need sex twice a week and she knows that and has known it but she's not doing anything about it...She does not owe you that and that's important. You have hands and you can take care of that yourself. I agree that physical intimacy is important, I do. We wouldn't have lasted 2 years without, let alone 12. We've had dry spells in that 12 years too. I can't imagine telling my partner he needs to lay back so I can get my fix, or worse yet, ask him to pretend like he enjoys it just so I can get my jollies. Sex isn't an agreement clause in a relationship. A lot of people treat it that way instead of realizing that it's supposed to be enjoyable and fun. I'm not trying to be a jerk here but I just felt like it needed to be said. I've seen and heard the "I need it" defense a few too many times. Sex is just sex at the end of the day, and this is coming from a very sexual guy.

Intimacy comes from all aspects of the relationship and it's definitely one of the harder things to learn. I know after my honeymoon phase the first year we had a rocky second while we figured things out.

Quote from: Ayden on February 19, 2015, 03:19:15 PM
First, I'm not straight but I am a 12 year vet of my relationship and we've had our fair share of ups and downs and forest fires to deal with.

It is important be affectionate outside the bedroom. I know that you say that's how you show affection, but there needs to be something else outside of sex. My partner and I are very affectionate, even if it's something as simple as sneaking in a kiss on the forehead or a surprise short foot rub. It's actually very easy to be affectionate and do little things to make your partner feel special.

Second, you mentioned that your girlfriend is bi-polar. Is she medicated? Those medications can do a number on libido. If she isn't, have you considered the possibility that she's been a long downswing? My partner is prone to depressive swings, though he has SAD (seasonally affected disorder) and winter has been difficult on us for the last few years. During those times he couldn't care less about sex.

It is possible that you've both fallen into a rut. If you live together (I'm assuming you do) the first couple of years can be hard. The real surprise a lot of people find is that it's actually work to keep a relationship alive and healthy. We play a lot of games (dice, cards, etc), take walks and chat, even try out making new recipes together or rearrange our house. Small changes can actually be very therapeutic.

Have you considered that maybe she's not sure what's bothering her and that's why she can't open up?

One thing I want to point out though, and I feel I should be direct. Being a sexual person is normal and I certainly enjoy it myself. You said you feel like you absolutely need sex twice a week and she knows that and has known it but she's not doing anything about it...She does not owe you that and that's important. You have hands and you can take care of that yourself. I agree that physical intimacy is important, I do. We wouldn't have lasted 2 years without, let alone 12. We've had dry spells in that 12 years too. I can't imagine telling my partner he needs to lay back so I can get my fix, or worse yet, ask him to pretend like he enjoys it just so I can get my jollies. Sex isn't an agreement clause in a relationship. A lot of people treat it that way instead of realizing that it's supposed to be enjoyable and fun. I'm not trying to be a jerk here but I just felt like it needed to be said. I've seen and heard the "I need it" defense a few too many times. Sex is just sex at the end of the day, and this is coming from a very sexual guy.

Intimacy comes from all aspects of the relationship and it's definitely one of the harder things to learn. I know after my honeymoon phase the first year we had a rocky second while we figured things out.

Thanks for the feedback Ayden.

Speaking of affection I actually do give forehead kisses, big hugs, and back rubs like I previously stated. No, she is not on medication. She could be having a low from the bi polar. She has had lows around me before, but they usually only last around 2 or 3 hours.
We do live together. I lived with my previous partner for 6 years, and never hit a rut like this relationship. I think sometimes we miss each others communication, we are basically two opposites. Which there is nothing wrong with, just makes things different.

She did say she wasn't sure what was bothering her. Then she said I wasnt being passionate enough. THEN she said it was nothing I have done. Very confusing.

I guess the way I said  I need sex came off wrong, apparently. No, she does not owe me that, but in order to have a relationship that makes us both happy...sex is one of those things that I do 'need' to be content. I for sure do not ask my partner to lay back and let me do what I need to do... you make it sound like I'm some heart-less human being that is sex crazed, which is not that case. I simply stated that I need sex in my relationship, and most people do.

You are welcome to your opinion, but sex is not just sex to me.

I'm going to try to figure out exactly what she wants/needs. I'd hate to see things end between us, and am determined to make it work.

Is it possible that she went off medication for her bipolar?

sam1234

I don't know her but I think I know what she means with passionate. You say you rarely argue, I'd say every relationship needs that sometimes in order to stay healthy. Few relationships go by just fine without arguments. I was in a relationship with a girl years ago that I never argued with and let me tell you I was so bored, we had nothing to argue about thou because she would do absolutely everything right and that was boring too.

So I think you should try and be a little more passionate in that way,argue a little bit, be angry but not hurtful or anything like that but show her you love her without the kisses and all of that because it can get to much of that at times. Maybe she wants to see the "wild beast" in you or something.

And a tip never ever "nag" about sex ever. That much I've learned trough all my relationships, try and give her some time in that department and maybe she will come to you. Most people find it a turn off getting nagged on about sex.

Bearr, one thing you haven't said is how she feels about your questioning your gender identity, and maybe starting to transition. This can be a very hard thing for intimate partners, as it's likely to make them see us in a different way, and may make them question their own identities, etc., etc. One of the ways that kind of discomfort is likely to come out is around sex and intimacy, and it may be really hard for her to own that she has feelings about this: she may not really be aware of them herself, or she may be afraid that you'll be hurt if she expresses any reservations... there are a lot of possibilities.

Have you talked much with her about this?

Quote from: Bearr on February 19, 2015, 04:07:14 PM
Thanks for the feedback Ayden.

Speaking of affection I actually do give forehead kisses, big hugs, and back rubs like I previously stated. No, she is not on medication. She could be having a low from the bi polar. She has had lows around me before, but they usually only last around 2 or 3 hours.
We do live together. I lived with my previous partner for 6 years, and never hit a rut like this relationship. I think sometimes we miss each others communication, we are basically two opposites. Which there is nothing wrong with, just makes things different.

She did say she wasn't sure what was bothering her. Then she said I wasnt being passionate enough. THEN she said it was nothing I have done. Very confusing.

I guess the way I said  I need sex came off wrong, apparently. No, she does not owe me that, but in order to have a relationship that makes us both happy...sex is one of those things that I do 'need' to be content. I for sure do not ask my partner to lay back and let me do what I need to do... you make it sound like I'm some heart-less human being that is sex crazed, which is not that case. I simply stated that I need sex in my relationship, and most people do.

You are welcome to your opinion, but sex is not just sex to me.

I'm going to try to figure out exactly what she wants/needs. I'd hate to see things end between us, and am determined to make it work.

I wasn't trying to come off like that and I apologize.  Yes, I do think sex is important. Like I said I'm quite sexual myself. I suppose I should clarify; I have been on the end having a partner tell me I need to want sex x number of times a week and so for me was a knee jerk reaction. I had just woken up after a very rough night (death in the family) so I was a little sensitive. I do apologize for coming across as insulting or condescending. Sex is not just sex to me either. I have known people who felt that way and I have been put in bad places before.

Perhaps it's a combination of things. I think talking will help. My partner has done flip flops in the past where it was one thing, then another, then my fault, then his, then work... It gets pretty tiring and frustrating when you don't know what the problem is.

Is there any chance that something physical has taken place? I know with my partner any change in his weight can spark a very long negative spiral for him. Maybe it's something small like that that could be bothering her.

Again, sorry for coming across as a jerk. I do hope things work out for you.

Quote from: sam1234 on February 19, 2015, 05:58:37 PM
Is it possible that she went off medication for her bipolar?

sam1234

Hey Sam - She's not on medication. Thought she has talked about it.

Quote from: Mackan on February 19, 2015, 06:36:19 PM
I don't know her but I think I know what she means with passionate. You say you rarely argue, I'd say every relationship needs that sometimes in order to stay healthy. Few relationships go by just fine without arguments. I was in a relationship with a girl years ago that I never argued with and let me tell you I was so bored, we had nothing to argue about thou because she would do absolutely everything right and that was boring too.

So I think you should try and be a little more passionate in that way,argue a little bit, be angry but not hurtful or anything like that but show her you love her without the kisses and all of that because it can get to much of that at times. Maybe she wants to see the "wild beast" in you or something.

And a tip never ever "nag" about sex ever. That much I've learned trough all my relationships, try and give her some time in that department and maybe she will come to you. Most people find it a turn off getting nagged on about sex.

Haha yeah we don't really argue, which is kind of a relief from my previous relationship. It was constant non stop arguing, to the point where I didn't even argue anymore because I didn't care. I might try the 'wild beast' in a playful mood, lol I think she would flip out if I started acting crazy I do nag about sex every now and then, and she absolutely can't stand it... I feel bad afterwords. I'm going to try to work on that. Thank you for the advice

Quote from: Tysilio on February 19, 2015, 06:51:38 PM
Bearr, one thing you haven't said is how she feels about your questioning your gender identity, and maybe starting to transition. This can be a very hard thing for intimate partners, as it's likely to make them see us in a different way, and may make them question their own identities, etc., etc. One of the ways that kind of discomfort is likely to come out is around sex and intimacy, and it may be really hard for her to own that she has feelings about this: she may not really be aware of them herself, or she may be afraid that you'll be hurt if she expresses any reservations... there are a lot of possibilities.

Have you talked much with her about this?

Good point! I actually have been to therapy, but recently stopped because I am so busy with work and school that its hard to find time. My therapist to confirm from what she could see I am transgender. Which I already knew, but it was good to hear that from her. I've been fighting it back and forth, trying to make up my mind of what I am doing. I know there is no rush, it's just so confusing. I told her about 6 months ago I had those feelings, and she was very upset to begin with. It took her about a month to get use to the idea, even then she said that she wants to marry me as a girl. I told her that it kind of hurt my feelings she would say that, because if I do transition that is who I am. Why would she want to marry a girl, if the girl feels like a guy on the inside? She hasn't said much about it otherwise, we do have sex with a strap on every time. Before I started dating her, we were friends. I knew everything about her sexually. She was dating black guys for the longest time, and one white guy.

Whats odd is.... I've never had any negative feelings towards black men until I met her. Or men in general. I hated men, especially black men... I've put her through hell because of my insecurities and would say things like " I know you want d*ck' etc etc. Mean stuff, which I feel bad about. Which doesn't make sense if I want to become a guy? Why would her wanting men bother me??? Makes no sense. I guess I felt with black men, why wasn't white men good enough?? She said because black men gave her more of a chance, and white men never did.

Quote from: Ayden on February 20, 2015, 02:37:31 AM
I wasn't trying to come off like that and I apologize.  Yes, I do think sex is important. Like I said I'm quite sexual myself. I suppose I should clarify; I have been on the end having a partner tell me I need to want sex x number of times a week and so for me was a knee jerk reaction. I had just woken up after a very rough night (death in the family) so I was a little sensitive. I do apologize for coming across as insulting or condescending. Sex is not just sex to me either. I have known people who felt that way and I have been put in bad places before.

Perhaps it's a combination of things. I think talking will help. My partner has done flip flops in the past where it was one thing, then another, then my fault, then his, then work... It gets pretty tiring and frustrating when you don't know what the problem is.

Is there any chance that something physical has taken place? I know with my partner any change in his weight can spark a very long negative spiral for him. Maybe it's something small like that that could be bothering her.

Again, sorry for coming across as a jerk. I do hope things work out for you.

I know deep down you didn't mean any harm. I'm sorry for your loss.
Her weight has been back and forth, and sometimes she says she feels 'fat. I try to make her feel better by calling her beautiful every day and such. She's not fat by any means, maybe a little over her BMI- but who really matches that..
I think I am going to ask her if my possibility of transitioning has anything to do with it... if I ever do.
She's not a talker, so it's like prying candy from a kids hand with that. Yesterday she was in a much better mood, we cuddled and she was
laughing. I asked her if she was feeling better, and she said she is trying to be happy. So... that's a start... Lol

Rather than starting out by linking it all to the problems you've been having around sex, I wonder if it wouldn't be better to open a conversation by just sharing what you're currently feeling about your transition?  I try to do this fairly regularly with my partner, who has had a hard time adjusting to the idea that she's now living with a guy. Even though she absolutely supports what I'm doing, because she sees how much happier and nicer to be around I am, she was a bit freaked on a personal level at first; she's a life-long dyke (as was I), and we're still finding out what this means for the way we relate to each other. But if I open up first about how I'm feeling about my transition -- what's being hard about it right now, or some change that I'm really happy about -- I think it's easier for her to talk about how she's feeling, even it's just reacting to what I've said.

Remember -- you're after improving communication and intimacy here, and your sex life is one small part of that. If you can get back to being open to each other emotionally, once you're both feeling more in tune that way, your sex life will likely be less problematic to deal with.

And pardon my bluntness, but I also wonder if you'd feel a bit less needy about sex with her if you jerked off more, just by yourself... it's not as much fun, but it does take the pressure off. Just sayin' 

Quote from: Bearr on February 20, 2015, 02:44:24 PM
I know deep down you didn't mean any harm. I'm sorry for your loss.
Her weight has been back and forth, and sometimes she says she feels 'fat. I try to make her feel better by calling her beautiful every day and such. She's not fat by any means, maybe a little over her BMI- but who really matches that..
I think I am going to ask her if my possibility of transitioning has anything to do with it... if I ever do.
She's not a talker, so it's like prying candy from a kids hand with that. Yesterday she was in a much better mood, we cuddled and she was
laughing. I asked her if she was feeling better, and she said she is trying to be happy. So... that's a start... Lol

Thank you.

You know, now that I think about it, my partner was a bit standoffish when I was just starting. Not because he wasn't supportive but more that he wasn't sure what he needed to do. It could be something like that. Perhaps she's a little worried but can't put a finger on it.

I'm glad to hear that your night was better. As you know, sometimes we all have some down points. Maybe if you open with something like a "I'm a little worried, what can I do" it may give her an opening. With my partner I usually have to do it a few times before he talks but giving the opening is usually a good route for him to talk about his feelings.

Quote from: Tysilio on February 20, 2015, 03:11:40 PM
Rather than starting out by linking it all to the problems you've been having around sex, I wonder if it wouldn't be better to open a conversation by just sharing what you're currently feeling about your transition?  I try to do this fairly regularly with my partner, who has had a hard time adjusting to the idea that she's now living with a guy. Even though she absolutely supports what I'm doing, because she sees how much happier and nicer to be around I am, she was a bit freaked on a personal level at first; she's a life-long dyke (as was I), and we're still finding out what this means for the way we relate to each other. But if I open up first about how I'm feeling about my transition -- what's being hard about it right now, or some change that I'm really happy about -- I think it's easier for her to talk about how she's feeling, even it's just reacting to what I've said.

Remember -- you're after improving communication and intimacy here, and your sex life is one small part of that. If you can get back to being open to each other emotionally, once you're both feeling more in tune that way, your sex life will likely be less problematic to deal with.

And pardon my bluntness, but I also wonder if you'd feel a bit less needy about sex with her if you jerked off more, just by yourself... it's not as much fun, but it does take the pressure off. Just sayin' 

I'm pretty sure she runs more off emotional aspects then physical, which with what you are stating I will try to get her to open up. It would be a good idea to ask some questions to see what she is feeling towards being transgender. Maybe sneak a couple questions in, or like you said bring it up and see how she reacts. Haha, and I jerk off a good bit, usually once a day. I would more if I could ,and I'm not even on T. Not sure why my sex drive is so high. Thank you for the feedback.

Quote from: Ayden on February 20, 2015, 03:35:50 PM
Thank you.

You know, now that I think about it, my partner was a bit standoffish when I was just starting. Not because he wasn't supportive but more that he wasn't sure what he needed to do. It could be something like that. Perhaps she's a little worried but can't put a finger on it.

I'm glad to hear that your night was better. As you know, sometimes we all have some down points. Maybe if you open with something like a "I'm a little worried, what can I do" it may give her an opening. With my partner I usually have to do it a few times before he talks but giving the opening is usually a good route for him to talk about his feelings.

Yeah, I'm going to bring it up somehow and see what happens, and watch her reactions. Hopefully she is just having a low, and we can resolve it one way or the other. I appreciate all the advice you have given me!

Bearr,
my first girlfriend was bipolar. One week she would be perfectly happy with the relationship and the next everything was wrong with it. The most trouble hit when she would decide she didn't need the medication and would go off it.

As I understand, there are all degrees of bipolar, but it may be playing into this.

sam1234

Well, I've been in that situation, so here is my perspective. For the sake of this story, I'm the "girl" since I have been the stereotypically feminine one when it comes to sex.

First, I read that it's common for females to need a long time to get in the mood for sex. Like, you hint at it in the morning, make her think about it over the course of the day, and then at night she's ready and waiting to go. If she has a low libido, like I did, then I also assume she needs a lot of time to fantasize, or a lot of foreplay to get in the mood for it.

Second, my husband would often grab me during the day, and also in bed in the morning, even after I told him to stop, and even after I told him multiple times that this made me uncomfortable. I know he initially did it out of love and attraction, but somehow, I felt objectified and violated every time. Somehow it felt like there was no romance or passion, it was simply like he owned/wanted my body and not me. When he kept doing it after I said no, it slayed my desire to have sex with him. I really hope this is not the case with your wife/girlfriend (I forgot already?!) and I'm not suggesting that it is. But I wanted to mention it in case there is even the slightest, .001% chance that she is feeling similarly, especially since you say she seems to have something bothering her internally.

There's also the idea that people have different ways of showing love and passion. Some people bond by going out and doing memorable things together, while others bond by doing things for someone (like cooking or giving a massage). Others feel intimate just by sitting and having deep conversations. You can probably google "love styles" and see what comes up. I hope that's helpful on top of all the other advice you've gotten.