I'm in a reflective mood. Big choices loom in all sorts of ways. Have I made the right call, have I been true to myself. Have I been true to others? Have I lived by my morals?  Have I been true to my friends? To myself? To those to whom I owe responsibility too, whether I know them or not?

If only.

It is boiling hot in Adelaide, another 100F+ day, a weekend well over 100F looming.
If only it was cooler I may be comfortable. I may be able to think clearly.

If only.

Again I read posts of my brothers and sisters who are in pain, some coping, some not. I wish I could reach out and hold them, let them know I understand; that there is hope.

If only.

I'm feeling my past, my mistakes; tears I have shed. The tears others have shed for me.

If only.

I realise something, in the heat of the afternoon when the concrete is too hot to walk on and here is nowhere to hide I think I understand: If only.

If only is useless, there is no more futile phrase than if only. If only I could go back and live my life again. If only I could take back the words to my parents. If only I hadn't told boys at school. If only.

I have made my mistakes and I have moved on. I have made more bad choices than good.

If I allow myself to walk the path of if only I will go mad.

If only is a blessing; a blessing hidden among tears and pain. If not for if only I would not be so reflective and facing my present and my future in a strong and secure manner. If only is a shield carried by a scared girl, a strong woman: a warrior maiden? I am presumptuous. I am still the scared girl.

If only I knew what the next week brings, maybe I would have no fear.

Ahh but I know realise; without fear I have no life.
If only that was not true.

The experiences we have had, both good and bad have a hand in who we are. How we handle those experiences defines who we are. Bad days, predjudice, discrimination. We can't change the world, but we can choose to learn from these experiences rather than dwell on the down side.

Its normal to react to trauma or personal attack, and to have no reaction at the time of the incident would make us dead, but holding onto that feeling won't help. Everyone has their own horror stories and their own good experiences. You need both to complete a person.

sam1234

Well, your reflective moods bring about lovely writing. I really like the last bit.

Quote from: Cindy on February 20, 2015, 05:30:10 AM
If only I knew what the next week brings, maybe I would have no fear.

Ahh but I know realise; without fear I have no life.
If only that was not true.

As an aside, in Islam it is encouraged to avoid using "if only"s. For various reasons I think, including what you mention that it is futile to dwell on the past, speculate on how things would've gone, basically ruminate over things out of your control. Just thought it was an interesting link to me.

Cindy, that's a really lovely post.
Sometimes I too have my 'if only' moments.. thinking how I could have done some things in life differently. But then, I remind myself that I did the best of what I could, given what I knew and what was possible at that time.
In a way, I am thankful to my male self for bringing me to this stage, and protecting me so far. Continuing to protect me, in fact, until I can come out one day and be myself. 'If only' I could do it sooner, but there are reasons why I need to wait, and I wouldn't give away those reasons for anything in this world.

Hi Cindy,

0 F (-18 C) in Philadelphia PA tonight.

Instead of "what if" I have ruminated on "I should have" and " I can not understand why".

Thursday at my Therapist's office I read over my letter which will be submitted to Dr. McGinn Monday ( e-mailed last night) and I read over all the pertinent information about me and my past and relevance to align with surgery. I had an unbelievable feeling of accomplishment. Somewhere over the past two years my self trans hate is all but gone, I do not ruminate about suicide and I have been working on my identity with improvement. It hit me like a brick, the changes I have made and am making are helping me feel better about myself and my future.

Cindy, I remember reading posts from you from years ago. You were a different person then. I know there are times the past creeps in on all of us but you are alive and helping others learn how to trust in their inner self and take a chance, a chance in self fulfillment and happiness. You are an inspiration and a role model for so many.

What if I never got help? What if I never found Susan's? What if my first therapist was horrible? What if the tractor trailer did not stop? What it I nudged too far over the buildings or bridge? What if I did not dump the bottle of pills down the drain?

I hope it cools off tonight and you can enjoy a cool breeze.

This is so beautiful! You are a poet, Cindy!