So it's been quite a while since i last came here- a month maybe? I was actually trying to encourage myself to come out to parents. It's like, i already came out to one friend, and right now i can't move anywhere with transition without telling parents. So i figured out that there's no use of fretting over other issues until i come out to parents, which is straightforward telling them. So i decided not to log in here and fill my head with other concerns until i come out to at least mom. And after a month i'm realizing that its not taking me anywhere. I'm still stuck in the closet and keep procastinating the big coming out day.

I think i mentioned ages ago that i don't know if i have depression, but i most certainly have suicidal ideation. And in the past month it's been growing worse and worse. I don't know if having no communication with you guys affected it, but things are not getting any better for me in real life either.

I don't remember if i told you that i can enter the medical college this year with my school finals' results. I had an idea that maybe i could roll the barrel inside the closet until i graduate from college but i recently heard that medical colleges in our country do not allow girls to wear trousers. Now i should either start transition before college starts and present as a guy from the beginning, which tightens my coming out deadlines fatally. Or i should give up medicine and choose another course, but i don't have the heart for it. I worked so hard for this result and i can't bear to watch it float away. Or i'll have to swallow it and present fully as a girl. I don't know if i could go through such a torture again. I did that before, when i was still in denial and now that i know what i am i can't even think of a life like that. I might even go crazy. And eventually kill myself.

And people have more questions than ever and i don't think i'm lying successfully as i used to. They want to know if i'm gonna wear skirts at college. And even sarees at vivas. They want to lecture me about finding a partner at college. I'm getting more and more bound to this cursed life everyday. And i want to die so much! I know my suicidal ideation frequency has significantly increased. I find myself doing that in the middle of dysphoria-inducing conversations. And every night while falling asleep. And whenever my mind is not occupied with anything else. I don't know where this is taking me. I feel so stuck. I can only wish things would improve, but i don't see how it ever will.

Yeah that's it. End of rant.

Quote from: YBtheOutlaw on February 22, 2015, 02:33:19 PM
So it's been quite a while since i last came here- a month maybe? I was actually trying to encourage myself to come out to parents. It's like, i already came out to one friend, and right now i can't move anywhere with transition without telling parents. So i figured out that there's no use of fretting over other issues until i come out to parents, which is straightforward telling them. So i decided not to log in here and fill my head with other concerns until i come out to at least mom. And after a month i'm realizing that its not taking me anywhere. I'm still stuck in the closet and keep procastinating the big coming out day.

I think i mentioned ages ago that i don't know if i have depression, but i most certainly have suicidal ideation. And in the past month it's been growing worse and worse. I don't know if having no communication with you guys affected it, but things are not getting any better for me in real life either.

I don't remember if i told you that i can enter the medical college this year with my school finals' results. I had an idea that maybe i could roll the barrel inside the closet until i graduate from college but i recently heard that medical colleges in our country do not allow girls to wear trousers. Now i should either start transition before college starts and present as a guy from the beginning, which tightens my coming out deadlines fatally. Or i should give up medicine and choose another course, but i don't have the heart for it. I worked so hard for this result and i can't bear to watch it float away. Or i'll have to swallow it and present fully as a girl. I don't know if i could go through such a torture again. I did that before, when i was still in denial and now that i know what i am i can't even think of a life like that. I might even go crazy. And eventually kill myself.

And people have more questions than ever and i don't think i'm lying successfully as i used to. They want to know if i'm gonna wear skirts at college. And even sarees at vivas. They want to lecture me about finding a partner at college. I'm getting more and more bound to this cursed life everyday. And i want to die so much! I know my suicidal ideation frequency has significantly increased. I find myself doing that in the middle of dysphoria-inducing conversations. And every night while falling asleep. And whenever my mind is not occupied with anything else. I don't know where this is taking me. I feel so stuck. I can only wish things would improve, but i don't see how it ever will.

Yeah that's it. End of rant.

I feel you bro. I'm in a similar situation, but it's my grandma that I have to come out to. She would never understand, she's even said she wouldn't trust someone transgender to be a school teacher.   

Every day I pretend to be this girl, and it's killing me. If there's any way you can begin transition before college,  you absolutely should. It's better than suffering with a false identity.

Stay strong.

I don't really want to die but at times, like when something triggers dysphoria i instantly think of finishing it off. It's like I'm making up my mind thinking that i don't have to worry cos all suffering would end soon once i die. But rationally thinking, even when dysphoria is at highest i don't want to die. I'm more like wishing i could die. I'm probably making no sense here. I'd very much prefer to become invisible rather than dying.

I'm all under control now, though i have all kinds of crazy thoughts i can trust myself not to do anything rash or stupid, or even anything that'd reveal my issue. I'm actually worried about to what extent i can keep this control, and how far i am from losing control.

If medicine is definately your calling, and you can't get any surgeries done by then, you could talk to your guidance counselor once you are accepted and ask to be allowed to pass. The other possibility is to wait a year, get started and then apply with your name and identity changed. Either way, it will be easier to have your proper gender and name on your graduation certificate and license when they are made then try and change them later.

Without knowing your parents, I can't really guide you very far with that except that its not worth losing your life over. Been there many times before I told my parents. Seeing a therapist and having some clout behind you never hurts, and they may know of a therapist that treats parents of transgender children. When I told my parents, it had come down to either they accepted it or I was checking out, and that is waiting way too long.

If the medical school requires all females to wear dresses, save yourself the trauma and do something before entering. Two years before I told my parents, I attended nursing school and wound up having to wear stockings, a dress and a little hat in clinics. That was only for a year, and believe me, you don't want that trauma.

There is no reason why you should have to be in a situation of desperation as you are. There are choices, and though none of them may look easy, do yourself a favor and tell someone, parents, therapist, someone who is there physically before you go down a road you will regret.

sam1234