This post is more about my mental state than physical one.  Being ftm has its own set of difficulties physically(I can think of two of them sitting on my chest right now) but my main problem is that I don't think I feel as masculine as I should.  To the point of wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

I've always been on the fence as far as gender roles go.  Which is part of why my decision to transition completely blindsided my dad.  I played with dolls, stuffed animal, toy guns, and legos equally.  My favorite movies when I was a preteen were Beetlejuice and James Bond, but I was equally happy watching The Little Mermaid by Disney.  You get the idea.

I think part of it comes down to wanting to be pretty.  I'm not talking the rugged handsomness of, say Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise.  I'm talking PRETTY.  Guyliner, bright colored shirts cut for a guy, jewelry!  All of which, ironically, were things I stayed as far away from as possible when I was living as a woman because it made me look too much like, well, a woman.

I also really identify with mothers.  Sure, I'd love to be a dad.  But only because 'mom' is such a female thing.  I wouldn't even mind being pregnant though that messes with my dysphoria regarding my genitals.  I don't think it's weird at all for a non-female identified person to bear a child.

Sometimes I don't even know what I mean.  I don't regret transitioning.  I am a man.  Just not a manly man.  But god it was so much easier to be myself when wearing bright colors and eyeliner wasn't considered weird and wouldn't brand me as 'gay' or make me a target for abuse.  I don't want to be considered 'flamboyant' or 'gay'.  My attire and manner of behavior should have no bearing on who I have sexual or romantic feelings for.

The other transgender men around me are more like your typical man.  Most of them are heterosexual and want beards and to fish and hunt and marry their girlfriends.  I want to fish and hunt and get married but I want to look pretty while I do it!  Is that so much to ask?

It just makes me mad and discouraged.  What I want doesn't exist.  I'm in one box or another no matter what I do.  There is no label for FtM bisexual men dating non-gender-conforming, non-transitioning men who also want to be pretty while remaining masculine.  ARRRRRRRGGGGG.  I think I need a cookie now.

Men express their masculinity and their manliness in many different ways. Personally I've always gravitated towards the softer kinder men to be my friends, the agro macho kind I would stay as far away as possible (mainly because they scared me!)

There are a lot of non-binary people who post on these forums. Have you tried reading some of the stuff? Being non-binary is hard. There will always be people not only whose expectations you don't meet, but who can't imagine someone like you exists.

Certainly as a transitioning FtM, you are entitled to be male in whatever way reflects your true self. You don't need to conform to anyone else's expectation of you.

Hugs ZD. I hope this helps.

~Gives a cookie.~

You do have a label. It's called Fantasmo. Wear that $#!@ proudly. ;3

Every person has their own unique identity. If you want to wear pretty clothes, do it. If you want to rock washboard abs at the same time. Go for it. Don't give two darns about what Joe Schmoes have to say. You're your own person, what you want and what you like may not fit into someones ideal version of what they think you should be. But are you happy with you? That's all that is important.

Fellow man who wants to be pretty while remaining masculine here. Wanting to be pretty is probably the only thing stopping me from feeling like I can completely transition. I can relate to the majority of your post and I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.