I was initially planning on telling my parents about all this before I spoke to anyone else as they were the first to catch me in women's clothing back when I was a kid and I am certain that they will still love and support me. However, I want to do it in person and I won't see them until the end of this next month. Also, my brother and his wife are expecting a new life any day now and I wouldn't want to steal their thunder. I figured I could keep it under wraps but yesterday I met with a Trans Health Advocate and she became the first person I ever said anything about this to. And it felt so good to have it out in the open.

When I got home my best friend texted me to see if I wanted to come hang out. So I went over, in boy mode and strugled hard to stay quiet. I'm usually a blabber mouth with him. It got worse when his girlfriend came home as we are also very close, she represents my longest running friendship. He has MS and can't get out much anymore and I am a good portion of his social life. He has also said that he lives vicariously through me, reveling in my tales of hyper masculinity. Yikes. I know.

Now here's the rub. I have been an on again off again roomate of theirs for some years. I have also been without a fixed adress for the past two years. I was seeking out solitude to confront all of this gender stuff and couldn't afford an apartment and solitude. I work on an on call basis and when work calls these two friends let me stay with them. Now that I know who I am, I need a fixed adress, some stability, so I can transition. I think that my friends will understand but I don't know. I kinda need to know. I'm house sitting at the moment, then I'm off to New Jersey. But I'm due back at work in April. If I could move in with them it would be so much easier for me then having to meet new people and be transitioning around them. But I don't want to make my friends uncomfortable or impose on them in any way. It would also be amazing to have someone I trust to confide in right now. My buddy has supported me through getting sober and coming out as asexual and I don't know if this is going to be the straw that breaks the friendship. He has always called me his brother, he's an only child, we became friends shortly after he had lost his mother and fiancé. I am his only "male" friend. His other guy friend was cut out for being insensitive. He has several cis female friends, I don't think he likes male company much.

I don't know what to do. I would have told them eventually but now is starting to seem like the time. Or, am I just being selfish? They might be offended if I moved elsewhere and then told them all this. Any opinions would be much appreciated. I guess too that I just needed to write this out to help me think it through.

Well, my question may be moot. My friend just texted me, asking if I wanted to hang out. I think this might be it. Coming out is scary but I have been learning that the more open I am about this the more steps I take toward where I need to be, the better I feel. So...

hun your friends sounds like chill people and im sure hanging out with super-happy girl you having a great time will blow their mind, in a good way!
these comings out are scary but holy ->-bleeped-<- you feel awesome.
dunno if its your thing but going over there in your nicest clothes and makeup kind of instantly answers the whole range 'how full of ->-bleeped-<- am i' questions they might feel the need to ask.. plus its crazy fun!
xx

Thanks alexbb, I apreciate the encouragement, although I didn't get to see it until I got home. I didn't go all dolled up but I was only wearing one item of male clothing, glad I did. My friend's sister swung by early in the evening and I wasn't ready for anyone beyond my friends just yet. But it went really well! It started with them asking if I could come back to stay with them when I'm done house sitting. I said "of course" and asked if it could maybe be more a more fixed situation, with me paying rent to her parents, who own the house. Before they said yes, told them there was a big if. Then, with no tears I spilled the beans. They seemed a bit taken aback but instantly supportive. We all talked and talked for hours and they let me spill the beans the way I have never gotten to before about any of this, except in places like this or in a diary. They never saw it coming. My male friend called me his sister! And filled the room with the inspirational language he's so good at. My female friend was super understanding but also excited. I guess her cousin married a transwoman but she only saw her as a man at the wedding and then months later fully as herself. She (my friend) admitted to finding it a bit exciting to get to see the process happen around her. To watch me transition. She said she hoped to be able to talk to me about it and I am super thankfull. It will be a real boone for me to have a woman on my side. I'll be honest, I feel more calm than anything, stress is just easing away at the moment. I had trouble sleeping last night worrying about this and now I'm all sleepy, but I wanna stay up a bit and enjoy this. I even forgot to ask them to keep this under their hats for now, and I don't think I will. If this is what being out feels like, then I want more. I feel downright peaceful! I can't wait for hrt so I can start being happy with my physical self too. I stated this morning feeling lousy, saw myself in the mirror at the wrong time, in the wrong light and just wrong wrong wrong. Had a cry about it. But between getting my new doctor together with my insurance and this, I am on cloud nine. What a very good day I have had. I am so lucky to have the people I do in my life. There are a couple other friends I want to tell in person now, then my parents and finally I will let my facebook do the rest, aquaintaences, less close friends and all my coworkers and bosses. By then I should be on hrt. This is a very positive beginning. 

Oh well done well done!!! I am so happy for you!!

"I feel downright peaceful! "

i know right! how crazy is that!? aftere a lifetime of dysphoria nagging and bringing one down its just such a beautiful feeling

" I can't wait for hrt so I can start being happy with my physical self too. I stated this morning feeling lousy, saw myself in the mirror at the wrong time, in the wrong light and just wrong wrong wrong. "

im in the same boat, my first endo apt is in april, 3 months after i applied, and they uually require at least 2 before prescribing, and then at least a yar to show much effect and i need ffs on my face and....UGH!

but you know what? some nice clothes, boots, silicon tit and hip thingies, handbag, learning a bit about make up off youtube, and going out with your friends, feeling more fab each time... well, just you wait, its amazing!!!!

This is when it all turned the corner!
life 2.0.

The Trans Health Advocate I spoke with said I could get on hrt within weeks. I told her at the time, Wednesday, that I wanted to get therapeutic support behind me first. I did make an appointment with my new pcp for the end of March and that may be the right direction but I now plan to call the advocate next week and ask if there is another step that could expedite the process as she mentioned. I had blood work done for other reasons last fall and those records may be enough. I am very lucky to live where I do. Our last Governor really made things easier for trans folk before leaving office. I'm sorry you've had to wait so long. But you're right, every little thing helps. I have found a laser place that I think will work and am intending to go get that ball rolling soon. I hate my beard but need to get a bit more cash together first. I also have been led to believe that facial hair softens on hrt so it might be better to wait until that's started before I go under the laser? Anyway, little things...

And by the way, you look beautiful in your avatar so don't get down about your looks!   

Life 2.0 indeed!     

Just checked my provider's website and found this: "Fenway Health considers trans health care to be an integrated part of primary health care. All medical providers at Fenway Health are trained in and provide trans care, including hormone treatments." So I guess I don't need to bother the advocate after all, thankfully. I hate pestering people. I have 2 + 1/2 weeks until my appointment and my hopes are gonna be high the whole time!

Patience...calm...

I hate pestering too, but Ive found in a busy world, the squeaky wheel gets the oil. be prepared to do what you gotta do to get what you need!!
xx

Thanks alexbb! I had continued waffling on the matter and had almost made up my mind to just call anyway. 'Cause what could it hurt? You just helped me decide to  do what I think I should do. She did say to call her anytime!

I'm just so used to feeling like I'm wasting people's time by even existing, I am working on killing the guilt monster and doing things like asking the questions I need to ask are swords to the heart of that beast!

Thank you again!

So, I just called my Trans Health Advocate. I now have an appointment for hormone readiness assessment in two and a half weeks. I believe this is how I will get my letter. So, I'm learning the process and now get that hormones may still be months away. But I am moving in the right direction. Tomorrow I will get an appointment with a gender therapist in the same facility, the person I need to talk to is out today.

I'm very happy! Thanks again for the positive nudging alexbb!

hells yeah! youre in the montage now!